feeling alone, hopeless, depressed, desperate, etc.. suffered lots of trauma all my life, pretty much rock bottom self esteem, just turned 24, thought about suicide since midteens, first attempted 2 years ago and have been what i call "chronically suicidal" since then. i honestly dont know how i'm alive or what keeps me alive. i'm always thinking of how i want to die and ways to die. i dont have a method or plan per se but the thought is always there. and sometimes, like now, i am what i call "actively suicidal" where i think if i had a method, i would probably do it. or i desperately want to. sitting here sobbing, wishing i had something to take or something bad to do to myself.. i guess its the guilt i feel towards people and the fear of death. i'm not religious at all, but i'm still scared.. i don't know what there is and i don't know what i believe. sometimes i get past that fear because my honest belief is that there is nothing when we die, or maybe i'm just trying to convince myself. i also know how dumb it sounds to say i'm alone and isolated and then don't kill myself because of guilt of how people would feel. it's just that people make me feel horrible about it (what would i do without you, etc) and then will not help me. in fact i go to people directly for help and i get turned away. at this point i honestly think people are annoyed with me being suicidal so much and asking for support because it ruins their good mood and it seems like they think i am just seeking attention. that's not it at all, and i don't even want to ask for help anymore because i know how i am perceived, so now i sit here in silent pain all the time pretending i'm ok for people who don't want to help but don't want me to die for their own selfish needs. i don't get it. why am i living for them? i've sought professional help a couple times but can no longer afford it and the free clinic here gave me a very rude therapist and wouldn't let me change to another because of how busy they are. in fact they said "beggars can't be choosers" to me. how nice. anyway i work at a goddamn gas station, had to quit school, live with my mom, have no money (in fact over 10,000 in debt).. i dunno everything just seems hopeless and i dunno.. i want to be better, this is why i seek help.. but i also want to die if this is how the rest of my life is going to be. i don't know why i've prolonged it so much already. i just want help and want to feel cared about and want to feel like life is worth living.