Alone and suicidal?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Aug 26, 2011.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I have been feeling a bit better, but now I am pretty upset because I was taking a shower and a huge handful of hair came out. The medication I'm on can cause major hair loss (after all, its a chemo med) and I was hoping this wouldn't happen. (the medication is used for chemo, but also for RA which I have) and I am really upset thinking that in another month, I could be bald. Sigh. What REALLY worries me though, is getting through the next couple of days. I am directly in Irene's path, and the odds are I will lose power and it may b e off for days. If I feel suicidal or depressed, I will not be able to communicate with anyone or call for any kind of help. I have no cell phone, and my land line goes out when my power goes out. I am stuck in an apartment full of items I can use to kill myself, items I am tempted to use even as I type this. What will I do if I can't call a friend, can't call a hotline, can't call for help, can't even post online? I am hanging on by a thread as it is. I have been feeling better, but I'm still struggling.

    The next few days will be the PERFECT Time to kill myself. No hope of rescue, or of changing my mind. I just dont' know how I'm going to deal with it.

    I'm just trying not to think about it. Does anyone have any advice for me? I know going bald shouldn't be grounds for suicide, there are always wigs, and such, but its been such a hard week, and I am afraid of going crazy if I'm entirely cut off from the world.
  2. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    Do you have an ipod? What really helps me when I'm really depressed is listening to music, especially songs that reflect my mood. It really helps take my mind off of suicidal thoughts. So in case your power goes out, you can still use your ipod.

    Irene is hitting where I live on Sunday, but its going to be mostly rain and wind.
  3. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. I know all too well the place you're in and how incredibly dark, lonely, and painful it can be. Please be strong - these intense feelings will pass! Biologically speaking, they must subside, and life can get a whole lot better with time, appropriate support, and hard work. There are so many things worth living for in this world... who knows what's in store for you??

    Regarding your hair loss, have you discussed this with your doctor? Perhaps it could be possible to switch to a different medication that does not cause this side effect.

    Generally speaking, do you have a therapist you can talk to? I personally find that very helpful. I'm also currently on antidepressant medication as I was having a particularly hard time coping... perhaps that's something worth considering as well? Also, is there any way you could get someone to stay with you for the next couple of days? A friend or a family member? Or even go and stay with them? If not, I highly recommend engaging in activities that distract you from the negative thoughts and feelings - this can be anything that you find helpful... as long as it's not harmful of course! So, listening to music as pancake suggested, reading a book, taking a candlelit bath (I really like this one!), spending time with a pet... the list is endless. Make sure you eat well too... I find that not eating enough or properly can really affect my mood.

    Please take the best possible care of yourself. We are all rooting for you here at SF!

  4. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I don't' have headphones for my ipod. I really should have gotten some, but I didn't' think about it until you mentioned it. Might be something to think about in the future. I can always read- I have some books that I've been meaning to read for a while, I could dig those out as long as there is some light to read by. (I guess if its during the day, though my apt is very dark without the lights) I have my cat. I wish there was some one to stay over or somewhere i Could go (though I don't' really want to leave my cat alone in a hurricane) I could be isolated for a very long time, though, and all my coping techniques involve reaching out to other people which I won't be able to do. Plus I won't be able to put on a funny movie or watch tv, which I sometimes do to take my mind of things....I'm just really worried who I'm going to make it sitting there trapped in my own head for so long. Plus Im just damned scared- that my windows will break, that I'll run out of food or water, or that I will have an emergency and not be able to dial 911. It's scary to think of being alone through the worst hurricane to hit the area in 60 years.
  5. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    With regards to the reading, perhaps using a flashlight could be helpful?

    The idea is to keep yourself distracted from your thoughts - if you find yourself returning to a place you don't want to be, merely acknowledge the thoughts (no doting or ruminating!) and gently push them away. Importantly don't judge yourself for having the thoughts. Just notice them and move on.

    About your safety, are there any places that will be set up where you can go?
  6. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I have a flashlight with new batteries, two glowsticks to help me get around, a little pushlight and a mini flashlight. I just don't have any extra batteries so I'm concerned about them running out and I don't know how long I will be without power, so I am afraid to overuse them and waste them by reading when I will need them to get around in the dark. But I guess i can use them a little.

    It's scary. I am trying to sleep, but I can't sleep. I have filled my bathtub and three buckets with water in case I need to pour water in the toilet to make it flush. I have three gallons of water and have filled all the cups and bowls in my house as well. Still, they say that you need a gallon of water a day, and I would say I only have enough water for 4-5 days. So I hope I will be able to get more by then. I am hoping that if my parents don't hear from me by Tuesday, they will check on me. But i dont know if they will be ok themselves, and naturally one of their cars failed yesterday. I am afraid of windows breaking and rain coming in, and I dont' know what to do about that. I don't really have anything to board them up with. It should only be a one when it gets here, I hope, so I am hoping that the windows dont break. Cause I don't have anything to board them up with, and the one in my room doesn't even have a blind. I am worried about being hurt by broken glass and being unable to call for help. My sister says that's silly......but its scary fearing not being able to call anyone if the power goes out.....which its a pretty safe bet it will. I'm sure the windows will be fine, at least I hope so. Also with the power out it will get really hot. and then i will need even more water.

    I have a lot of food, about seven or eight cans of macaroni, five boxes of granola bars, 2 cans of soup, a bag of pretzels, two containers of cookies, seven cans of vegetables, a bag of potato chips, and a large bottle of peanuts as well as a quart of gatorade. I hope that will be enough until I can buy more. I should be ok...I hope....somehow I have to get through this. I don't REALLY want to die deep down, or I wouldnt be worried at all about being suicidal and alone. IF I really wanted to die, I would EMBRACE this chance, not fear it. So I must really want to live...

    I dont know.
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    What medication are you taking for RA that is making your hair fall out? That's not a side effect that I could deal with too well. Even if there are wigs. That would be really stressful.

    There are quite a few medications out there to treat RA and CTD's. If you are having that kind of side effect to what you are taking, have you thought about trying something different, a little safer maybe?

    I can't imagine the toxic effect it might be having on you, if your hair is falling out. What's your doctor have to say to that??

    Is the medication working? Keeping your blood counts normal and keeping your symptoms under control?
  8. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    Sorry to hear that you're feeling alone and suicidal.. you certainly have a lot going on for you at the moment especially being in the path of Irene.. I hope you'll be able to stay safe and find a way to keep connected with people.

    Thinking of you
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