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Alone But Doing What I Can

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by OpheliaPlagueRat, Mar 29, 2013.

  1. I don't really know where to begin. The beginning is always a good place, but where did it all really start?
    This will be my first post on this forum, and... It's kind of daunting, but at the same time, comforting, knowing there are others who may feel similar to me or have gone through similar situations.

    I am a manic depressive. Only recently diagnosed (as of 6 months ago), but have suffered from it for as long as I can remember. I was never very happy as a child: my mother left me in the care of my grandmother because of how young she was (18 when she had me), and due to her being a manic depressive as well and incapable of caring for a child (or so she told me the last time I spoke to her, 6 years ago). I grew extremely depressed around the age of 10, had constant suicidal thoughts at the age of 11, and proceeded with my first suicide attempt at 12. I've never had many friends, ever, so at the time, the only people who would have cared would be my parents, but I was so lost in my own head that I only felt I was a burden to them: between custody battles and severe culture shock from moving from the west coast to the midwest, coping with an eating disorder, and dealing with the depression. I didn't feel there was anything else for me, and I didn't want to bother any one with my problems any longer.
    I guess, right now, I am dealing with a particularly nasty bought of depression, losing my will to keep going, finding very little enjoyable, and overall feeling neglected and abandoned by the few people around me. It's all very silly when I look at it, it's all little things that are building up, and I know I can deal with it, I have over the years, but I'm sure most of you can understand how overwhelming it can all seem when you're down, even though 'down' can't begin to describe how terrible it all feels. But how can you describe it without making a post longer than it already is?
    A few days ago, I got into a fight with my best friend, the only person aside from my parents who came to visit me when I was in the hospital a a year and a half ago, who would send me messages asking me how I was, who would try and do what she could to help me feel better. She's still in highschool and works, but the argument started because I kept sending her messages, asking why she wasn't talking to me. It boiled down to me bothering her, and being annoying. She said I made her anxious when I texted her so much (a text or so every hour if she hadn't said anything, asking if it was because she was busy or some such.) Since then, I've hardly heard from her or any one else. I can understand me seeming over baring, but when I tried to explain it to her, it was like I was crazy because she didn't understand my need to talk to people when I am horribly depressed.
    It hurts being this alone. Am I actually this alone? Is no one out there who can talk to me or put up with me? Am I so obnoxious? The past week or so, my suicidal thoughts have been coming back, and with this... It hurts.
  2. exilant

    exilant Member

    Hello there,

    I can relate. Depressions, loneliness, feeling useless. I just got dumped by my fiancé. We were supposed to marry this month, I was supposed to immigrate into his country. There was a fight...it´s a long story. I lost my partner, who also was one of my best friends, my job (I would have freelanced in his country) and my perspective. Life is a burden. I am a burden. But, you know, we are here...means we didn´t give up just yet. We still fight and struggle.

    Sending you strength!
  3. Yeah. We're still here. That's gotta count for something. If we haven't totally given up, there must be something worth fighting for. Ourselves, maybe? Each other? The prospect of a better life?
    The friend I had gotten into a fight with is talking to me again, but I understand losing someone completely over arguments. Especially someone you love. It hurts. Everything seems pointless. You feel so empty and full of nothing. But we can move on. Never forget it, but learn from it. Gather strength from the wounds and scars and tell yourself 'I am better because of it. I am here, I have learned. Time to go on with my life.'

    Thank you for the support. Sending love and strength your way as well. You should PM sometime if ever you just wanna talk or something.
  4. exilant

    exilant Member

    There are tons of things worth fighting for...we just seem to forget when depression strikes us. Every smile, every laughter, every hand touched with love...

    It is great that you two talk again. Not knowing you or her my first thought was that she was maybe a little bit overwhelmed. Us "special people" :wink: can be rather demanding and sometimes our support systems just need time off, too. Of course, that´s hard to understand for us but I guess we and our friends/partners simply have to learn when enough is enough and find strategies to deal with it.

    Well, the PM offer goes both ways:) Just reach out when your friend isn´t available again!
  5. Felt I should update some.
    I had to put my rat down yesterday. The only creature who was always there for me no matter what. He had been horribly sick though, and for such a long time. He's in a better place now, but I miss him. So much. Love you, Philip. You are loved and missed.
    However, today is my birthday, and despite the sadness and loss, it has been a pretty good day. My friend is here with me, my parents are being nice, and everything is good: tolerable for the time being and that's all I need.
    19 years on the planet. I've survived everything so far. Let's see if I can keep doing it.
  6. exilant

    exilant Member

    yep, "tolerable" is sometimes enough to keep us going!

    belated happy b-day. 19 years? you´re still a baby (wanted to say that to someone for AGES!)