on new year's day. I felt as if my wife was not the same person. I felt she was different and hiding the fact. Disconnected. we had been trying an open relationship and had two triangles going on, one girl we were practically dating. But it changed my wife. Turned her into a liar. Something she had never been before. I hit crisis mode hard. After crying for 4-6 hours super hard, I had to put a cold paper towel on my eyes because I felt like my face was swelling and burning off. I was in my car and couldn't see or drive, parked in a dirt lot behind some buildings where no one could see. I slept for an hr, woke up, then drove home, and took what should have killed me, I knocked out for 20 hrs, woke up with bright fluorescent vomit all over my carpet, by door busted open, door frame broke in and everything. Apparently my wife came home about 10hrs after I did it and had the door broken down but saw me sleeping then left. I only remember a fragment of me looking around the room then blacked out. unknowingly I had gone on my fb and posted some stuff then got in my car and drove 40min away. my wife called the cops and they located me by tracking my cellphone. I have a fragment of memory, looking at an officers belt and then up into my mirror thinking okay I can play this off, but my reflection was stained fluorescent, there was no hiding it or wiping it off. they took me to a hospital. I remember my wife and our girlfriend coming in and the girl friend rushing to hug me. I remember talking to the social worker and thinking she was pretty. I was discharged. My wife forced me to fly home to Colorado for a week. I thought it was going to be good. But I became sick of everyone knowing what I had done. And my friends just weren't friends anymore, disconnected, wrapped up in their new lives. I was alone. Slept in my car a few nights not really having anywhere to go. I flew home. My wife was so cold. One night she had this new young girl over and was getting close. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it. She didn't care. Our girlfriend told me they slept together twice while I was in Colorado. But my wife told me she hasn't felt like being with anyone and hadn't. I lost it. I broke my mirror, she called the cops. I ran. drove to the highway. Lights came up behind me. I didn't want to stop. I didn't. High speed chase multiple cop cars they eventually took me out with a road block. I knew this entire time that I wasn't getting away I knew it was pointless but I ran, just on autopilot watching what I would do and not caring. Eventually I just gave up and laid down. Got arrested. And released without bail the next morning. My wife being military was encouraged to have me court order admitted for psych evaluation. Spent 6days in there and got out this past Monday. While I was in there the military slapped a restraining order on us. And she flew to Chicago for leave. She talked to me twice on the phone while I was in there. Sounded like she was really set on making us work. Told me she'd leave a number to contact her on the kitchen counter for when I got out. Got home and she had not. I've been texting her alot and getting no response. Except one saying a pending transfer in our bank was just paying the credit card. Our girlfriend tried bringing me food once but told me she couldn't stay. That it wasn't right for her to be there while my wife wasn't legally allowed. I told her it would be harder for me to only have her drop by then be all alone again. She said forget. I tried texting her more. But she blocked my number from her phone. I've been in my house alone not wanting to go out or see anyone. I went to a counselor I liked once, she referred me to intensive outpatient, I scheduled a meeting for today a 4pm. I don't think I'll go. I've never been able to socialize normally, I'm quickly disliked or at lease disinterest by people I meet. I was fired from my job on the 4th. On the morning I tried suicide, I had called work over 24 hrs before my next scheduled shift and said I couldn't work the weekend. Manager told me she'd cover it and that I had to talk to her on Monday. By Monday of course everyone who has ever known about my existence knew what I had done via fb. I was blacked out. had no idea I was doing that. They said they were going to view the weekend as a no call no show and I was terminated. I've been an emergency medicine veterinary technician, a cvt for 5yrs. Am a great worker, never late never absent, and have strong technical skills. But am never liked by coworkers in my field and can not go back to my field again. I wanted to plan on eventually delivering pizza. So I can do an easy job and be mostly by myself. plus pizza is good and everyone is always happy once the pizza shows up.. I just can't get myself to move forward. I'm so not good with maintaining relationships because of my lack of personality, my anxiety, and never knowing how to make normal small talk with anyone. I shut down. it has all pushed me into isolation. And now at the time I'm most unstable, everything had left me to be by my own in this house alone. Too scared to go outside. No job. No wife. No girlfriend. No friends. No chance. I came to this site out of boredom. This is my first time here. I figured fuck it. I've given up on everything. I don't think I can come back. But at least I can get it out there. Let people know how utterly alone and isolated i am. And I have my death on repeat in my head. not that it's an easy one. Not something I can just do after finishing this thread.<mod edit - timeline> I no longer want help. it's so much easier to make everything stop. And it won't be a surprise to anyone. I don't know what to do. But I absolutely don't believe I can stand.