alone. complete isolation

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by blank..., Jan 30, 2016.

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  1. blank...

    blank... New Member

    on new year's day. I felt as if my wife was not the same person. I felt she was different and hiding the fact. Disconnected. we had been trying an open relationship and had two triangles going on, one girl we were practically dating. But it changed my wife. Turned her into a liar. Something she had never been before. I hit crisis mode hard. After crying for 4-6 hours super hard, I had to put a cold paper towel on my eyes because I felt like my face was swelling and burning off. I was in my car and couldn't see or drive, parked in a dirt lot behind some buildings where no one could see. I slept for an hr, woke up, then drove home, and took what should have killed me, I knocked out for 20 hrs, woke up with bright fluorescent vomit all over my carpet, by door busted open, door frame broke in and everything. Apparently my wife came home about 10hrs after I did it and had the door broken down but saw me sleeping then left. I only remember a fragment of me looking around the room then blacked out. unknowingly I had gone on my fb and posted some stuff then got in my car and drove 40min away. my wife called the cops and they located me by tracking my cellphone. I have a fragment of memory, looking at an officers belt and then up into my mirror thinking okay I can play this off, but my reflection was stained fluorescent, there was no hiding it or wiping it off. they took me to a hospital. I remember my wife and our girlfriend coming in and the girl friend rushing to hug me. I remember talking to the social worker and thinking she was pretty. I was discharged. My wife forced me to fly home to Colorado for a week. I thought it was going to be good. But I became sick of everyone knowing what I had done. And my friends just weren't friends anymore, disconnected, wrapped up in their new lives. I was alone. Slept in my car a few nights not really having anywhere to go. I flew home. My wife was so cold. One night she had this new young girl over and was getting close. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it. She didn't care. Our girlfriend told me they slept together twice while I was in Colorado. But my wife told me she hasn't felt like being with anyone and hadn't. I lost it. I broke my mirror, she called the cops. I ran. drove to the highway. Lights came up behind me. I didn't want to stop. I didn't. High speed chase multiple cop cars they eventually took me out with a road block. I knew this entire time that I wasn't getting away I knew it was pointless but I ran, just on autopilot watching what I would do and not caring. Eventually I just gave up and laid down. Got arrested. And released without bail the next morning. My wife being military was encouraged to have me court order admitted for psych evaluation. Spent 6days in there and got out this past Monday. While I was in there the military slapped a restraining order on us. And she flew to Chicago for leave. She talked to me twice on the phone while I was in there. Sounded like she was really set on making us work. Told me she'd leave a number to contact her on the kitchen counter for when I got out. Got home and she had not. I've been texting her alot and getting no response. Except one saying a pending transfer in our bank was just paying the credit card. Our girlfriend tried bringing me food once but told me she couldn't stay. That it wasn't right for her to be there while my wife wasn't legally allowed. I told her it would be harder for me to only have her drop by then be all alone again. She said forget. I tried texting her more. But she blocked my number from her phone. I've been in my house alone not wanting to go out or see anyone. I went to a counselor I liked once, she referred me to intensive outpatient, I scheduled a meeting for today a 4pm. I don't think I'll go. I've never been able to socialize normally, I'm quickly disliked or at lease disinterest by people I meet. I was fired from my job on the 4th. On the morning I tried suicide, I had called work over 24 hrs before my next scheduled shift and said I couldn't work the weekend. Manager told me she'd cover it and that I had to talk to her on Monday. By Monday of course everyone who has ever known about my existence knew what I had done via fb. I was blacked out. had no idea I was doing that. They said they were going to view the weekend as a no call no show and I was terminated. I've been an emergency medicine veterinary technician, a cvt for 5yrs. Am a great worker, never late never absent, and have strong technical skills. But am never liked by coworkers in my field and can not go back to my field again. I wanted to plan on eventually delivering pizza. So I can do an easy job and be mostly by myself. plus pizza is good and everyone is always happy once the pizza shows up..
    I just can't get myself to move forward. I'm so not good with maintaining relationships because of my lack of personality, my anxiety, and never knowing how to make normal small talk with anyone. I shut down. it has all pushed me into isolation. And now at the time I'm most unstable, everything had left me to be by my own in this house alone. Too scared to go outside. No job. No wife. No girlfriend. No friends. No chance.
    I came to this site out of boredom. This is my first time here.
    I figured fuck it. I've given up on everything. I don't think I can come back. But at least I can get it out there. Let people know how utterly alone and isolated i am. And I have my death on repeat in my head. not that it's an easy one. Not something I can just do after finishing this thread.<mod edit - timeline> I no longer want help. it's so much easier to make everything stop. And it won't be a surprise to anyone. I don't know what to do. But I absolutely don't believe I can stand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2016
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum,

    you are sure going through a lot and have a heck of a bad time this new year but you don't have to give up on yourself by ending your life. You said no one would be surprised, well surprise them by doing what you can and bettering yourself. Try and get another job, fuck what people think of you, what do them people who gossip really think of you anyway? and no you shouldn't care what they think of you. Sure, you have had it rough and had trouble with the police but you can make peace with the past by moving forward. Start afresh if you can and go on to the next chapter in your life and make it more exciting and happier than the last. This is a battle for sure but it's one you can win and survive through. I believe you have what it takes, so you should believe in yourself too. Are you on any medications now, do you see a therapist?
  3. blank...

    blank... New Member

    I don't believe in taking meds again. I was thrown everything from the age 10-17. and it always just made things worse, either completely erratic or zombie. no one will see if I'm better or not because no one cares to look. The only way I really had any kind of pathetic socialization was through fb. But I have deleted all social media after everything. I can be an optimistic person. I can be responsible and productive. I can look at the sunset in complete euphoria. I could get another job. I could try and talk to more people. Open a new relationship. But everyone is the same and everything will always be the same. and everything I look towards is just mundane. Like what's the point of talking. Everyone will always say the same things. but where is the real meaning. The real purpose. and my mind is exhausted from trying to shift through friend and foe, when everyone has snake skin.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Not too many people here you find will have snake skins all here are caring and compassionate I am sorry you feel so alone and isolated right now It will take time to grieve your losses job wife but the will end too ok Don't look to far ahead just look at getting through an hour then more if you can then get through a day You will get that strength back again and no you cannot tell what the future will be no one can. When a door closes they say another one opens and perhaps you will find what YOU want to do now and go for it ok keep talking here you won't feel so alone then
  5. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Hello. I'm not sure if you are a guy or woman, or if that's your actual age. However I can see that God is working in your life and trying to help you reach that small golden thread of hope. I just got cussed out by my ex boyfriend who has schizophrenia. His mother blamed me for him getting a genetic disease and I took him to the hospital when she wouldn't. because he was having a seizure and possibly needed emergency care. They took him seriously. He was hooked up to IV's and everything, and I stayed with him. Last night I dropped him off because his mother was harassing me and threatening to sue. She has him work for him all the time. She blames me for everything he does wrong that she doesn't approve. My family said to leave him. So I messaged him today after I got a message from him asking if I was ok. He said to leave him alone, blamed me for him swinging at me and said I did that instead and called me names/ I feel similarly hurt right now. That's why I feel such empathy for you. I hope you do try to find that inner light and strength suicide is never worth it, giving up, you'll just have to try harder and harder death death is becoming a ghost and dealing with pain until you can move on, or becoming obsolete unless you can find the wisdom and strength to carry your soul and prove it worthy of rebirth or afterlife. but that's just me, what I believe. <3 don't become a ghost
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