Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by TheLoneWolf, Jul 29, 2012.
I should be happy
I drove my demons away
But now I'm alone
that's beautiful...although untrue. it would be easier if we were alone wouldn't it though...we would have an excuse to forget. i wish i could forget. but the world is full of people in pain..we are not alone. now we have to find the courage to endure...maybe it comes not in the forgetting but the forgiving of the world who we think has forgotten us. i don't know. i read this book once were this man was being held hostage by some brutal man who visited him to play chess. he hated the man but said he would play chess with the devil just not to be alone. it hit a chord with me. i am to the point i think i would let someone piss on me everyday just to be near someone..how pathetic is that. why is it that we allow ourselves to hope for so little. at least i understand pain....i am terrified of joy...how pathetic is that.
Actually no, it would not be easier if I was alone. Maybe if I had been alone for my entire life... but people have made an impression on me. They have altered my way of thinking and my opinion of myself. Mostly for the worse. I would be better off today if those people had never been a part of my life. But it's too late to undo that. The damage has been done. Now I just don't want to be left alone with my thoughts, because my own thoughts have turned against me. I would gladly play chess with the devil. I don't know about letting someone piss on me, lol, that might be a bit beyond what I am willing to endure for company. But I know exactly what you mean when you say that you understand pain and are terrified of joy. Joy is almost an alien feeling to me. I have felt it for a few brief moments in my life, and every time it was followed by intense pain and disappointment. I can't handle being built up just to be let down. It hurts so much less to fall when you're already on the ground. It's when you climb so high and think that you're on top of the world, only to come crashing down when the proverbial rug is pulled out from underneath you, those are the moments that hurt the worst. I'm afraid to be happy, not because I fear happiness, but because I don't trust the foundation of said happiness. Happiness has always lied to me, always betrayed me. Misery, on the other hand, is honest and consistent.