Everyday people of whom I would call friends disappear. Disappear into the plague we call real life. All of them manage to disappear, it makes me want to disappear. You think I would be ready for something like this. After all anyone who means anything to me I know know through the text of the internet. Yet I cannot shake this annoying depression. I mean I understand that people will come and people will go, especially on the net. But why do I feel betrayed why do I feel sad? Is it because many say they will always be on the net or they say they will always be with me? Maybe that is it, maybe it is something else. Maybe it is their lame excuses, "Oh I did not have time to message you back", even when many find time to avoid others over the internet. I wish that most would come out and say it "Oh I forgot you were there" but no one can actually say something like that. Most do not know it will hurt me less than saying "I just do not have time for you". I mean hell I have not time to be doing what I do. Yet I manage to find time 88% of the time time check on all my online friends. I find time to write to them I find time to do everything. Yet they do not find time for me. That has been the way it always has been. So why does it hurt so much? I just do not understand, I am used to this sort of thing it always happens. I guess I should just stop trying where people do not try. It ranges in all forms, whether it be forum or IM or email or whatever. They all hide under the excuse of time or ignorance. One friend never IMs me because she does not know if I am actually at my computer. That is her excuse, and even then when we talk I have to make all the conversation. Or she just stops talking, other friends never message me at all. Some just disappear, I guess I just let myself get way to close to them. This is all my fault after all. If I had kept them at a distance I would not be so hurt. I would be less depressed if I was far away. But I still yearn to be close to someone. It is so fucking annoying. You know for the first time in months the thoughts of suicide have returned. I remember all my plans, my plans to kill myself when I graduate. Funny thing that is literally around the corner. I am going to graduate in May of 07. So soon, the temptation just builds inside of me. The temptation to end it all on that day. That temptation has laid dormant for so many months. Yet it resurfaces with my dying online relationships. Worst part is that I am always the bad guy. I mean fuck I am only alone, all the rest of my online friends have real life friends. Real life people who cause them pain. I am nothing compared to that. After all, if I dropped the dignity that I had I could surround myself with people and affection without limit. I could whore myself out to the masses smile dance fuck drink do drugs reproduce. I could drop every belief that I hold sacred and I could have 100s of friends. But that would only cause me to be lost in another fashion. I would be trading one empty world for another. So there is no point to it really. The only upside to changing in that way is that I would destroy my body faster and I would die sooner. But I cannot deal with hypocrisy so I do not do it. But I am to blame, after all I do have the cause of all evil within the world. <mod edit - sadsong - inappropriate> I really fucking hate being a guy, especially a guy with a brain. You see the males females like are the males they know they can manipulate. The males of whom the female can tie down with a leash and say smile and the male will do it. No no I have beliefs and thoughts of my own that are tied to my brain. My favorite example of this came to me recently. I was talking with a female co-worker and she was whining about some work she had to do. You know doing that thing females do trying to get sympathy and guilt out of the male. Well I did not give it out, I promptly asked her why I should care about whether she did the task or I did the task. She promptly replied with "I am a girl". When I replied "What difference does that make?" her attempts at being cute and funny changed to anger. We did not talk for the rest of my shift. This is not the only time this has happened to me. In years past when I would not do the majority of the work for a female on a group project or when I would not carry something for a female or when I would not drive my car around to pick up a female everything was met with rage and anger. Another thing that pisses me off about females is that they all see us to be the same, males that is. I mean it was males who civilized and built most of the world. So it must be our fault for everything that goes wrong in the world. Really it is hard for me to believe that any female finds a male worth anything more than intercourse. Really I have only had one female confirm this. Then to cover up the true nature of the female she threw in the case-by-case clause. It was rather upsetting, and annoying at that. But it is not just females I hate I hate males as well. I mean most males realized how we are seen in the world. But instead of doing something to fix it the embrace it. It pisses off none of them, well maybe a few, but for the most part none. They all just give up and enjoy the ride. I always feel like I am the only one fighting the battle like I am the only one hurt by the words and generalizations thrown at me. Most men just lie back and take it. It is so very very sad. I cannot even rely on other males for support in my beliefs. When I say something that goes against what the all mighty vagina says they get just as pissed. Some support me in the shadows but none, so far, will support me in the light. Really I just hate people, you have one gender who only wants power and control and the other who only wants whatever the other gender is telling them they want. <mod edit -sadsong- inappropriate> I know that no female will accept me as a genderless person. To pretty much every female once you are a male you are always a male. Plus I am pretty sure that they will hate me double for it. I mean, now they cannot use intercourse to tighten their leash on me. So what use am I to them then? I mean if they cannot flaunt sexuality at me to gain my approval what is the point in wasting time on me? But then I think about my current beliefs and realize I will always be hated equally. I mean I am a male of whom is not controlled by intercourse. That is what females rely on to empower them. It is all about the intercourse, a female can strangle hold most any male with intercourse, or the thought of a chance of intercourse. For most females all they have to do is smile and hint that she might be interested in a male to gain their approval on anything. But it does not work that way with me, in fact I realize just how dangerous that is. I really do everything in my power to avoid intercourse. When a female realizes that, she gets angry and hates me. From there on out I am the bad guy in any aspect. Because I cannot be controlled. It is so fantastic, if I cannot be controlled with intercourse then what is the point what purpose do I serve? Speaking of which I am not all that great when it comes to preying on weaknesses. I prey on the females weakness of intercourse as well. Not the desire to have it, because in females it is pretty much non-existent. No no, I prey on the few moments when they want to have it. I have noticed that females are all about mood when it comes to intercourse. They are light switches, and I will use this to keep them off of me. You see I have written out two of three contracts for intercourse. The very first one is a contraception form I tried to make it lengthy. But that was rather hard, basically it outlines what my contraceptive needs are. This, as far as I know, is the end all be all to me ever having intercourse. Simply because I require a chemical form of contraception for myself, as well as a mechanical one. And as far as I know, no such thing exists. Plus I require the same of the female. And I know that maybe 1 out of 20 females know that such a thing as mechanical contraception exists for them. But just in case things change, I am in the process of writing an accidental conception contract. Basically it outlines my beliefs and will hopefully void me of any responsibility of taking care of a child should the time come. But this is of course assuming that they can pass the contraception requirements. And then finall comes the consent form. There is one for me and one for the female. Basically the female has to consent to each sexual act she is will to perform. It is simple all she has to do is initial by each of the different positions and what not involved in intercourse and sign her consent. And should she want something aside from conventional intercourse. Then she will have to fill in the rest of the form herself and initial. And the best part is that I will have a form saying what forms of intercourse I will consent to performing as well. And if I do not want to perform the same ones she does then there will be no performing. This is all to kill the mood, what better way to kill the mood then to make a female sign a bunch of forms. Then there is the line I hate most of all, "You will be a very lonely person". I hear that from everyone one once they hear most of my beliefs. I am only lonely at weird moments, like this one. Otherwise I have spent the past 20 years of my life dealing with being alone. These days EVERYONE cannot do things alone. It is no fun unless they have another person there. Well all of these people had friends at one point in time. Now I will not say I never had friends, because I did have 1 or 2. But for the most part I fell into the role of ultra-super-loser, or the kid that everyone picked on. So I had to play by myself most of the time I had to learn how to have fun without people, ~Gasp~ such a thing exists? God forbid, but I mean it is not lonely in the sense that I will have no friends. No no it all comes back to intercourse. If I keep on my present path I will never have intercourse. That is what 94% of people mean when they say I will be lonely. I have learned that explaining my beliefs and fears to them is a waste of time since a world without intercourse is something that cannot exist in their little pocket of the universe. Some joke and talk about the 40 year old virgin. And I get offended, because I am lacking the key thing that he had, a desire to have intercourse. I have no such thing, and the sad thing is that I know everyone of whom learns of my beliefs will take similar actions that the characters in that movie took. Some are actually taking them now. In the end I know that I will only be exploited. I mean fuck I am the computer guy, the computer guy ranks right up there with the pizza guy. Everyone loves the computer guy. And I am not the half-wit computer guy that most people are, those who can trouble shoot to some degree. No no I am a full blown computer guy I can fix stuff on a level much deeper than just troubleshooting. And I know that people will exploit that fact till I die. Plus I am also the hardware guy. I mean I have all the latest games systems. Why just a couple of days ago I had 4 people in my room playing my Wii. All of them make the claim to a life. So they do what most people do and leech off of us who know what we like doing in life. Sad thing is that most of these people were in the same class with me for 3 years and did not know my name until now. I do say no from time to time. But my excuse falls into the range of I have homework. When I gradaute I will become the selfish asshole who does not share. Such is my fate though I am not going to fight it. Why the fuck should I share with fucking leechers? Anyway that is my rant hopefully I can sleep now.