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Alone, heartbroken, feeling hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HBAtlanta, Nov 29, 2013.

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  1. HBAtlanta

    HBAtlanta New Member

    I could write a novel, but I will just start with the basics.

    I suffer from dependent personality disorder. It has made me stay in bad relationships, and run to new ones quickly. I married someone despite red flags, and had two kids with her. She left me emotionally empty. Despite my trying to get her to meet my emotional needs, she said I was too needy.

    Long story short, I ended up in a long-term affair with a coworker. My wife found out. Marital house has been sold, cash is gone, lawyers eating up everything, I am not even getting overnights with my kids, I am back in a rental unit I bought with my first wife (more memories and nightmares here than I can face). I wake up everyday to a "nightmare" in that it all "rushes in".

    She has said there is zero (zilch, nada) chance of recovery. 5 months has passed, she is seeing someone (or at least inferring she is). I don't know if finding a new relationship will get me back to "happy", and I would rather work on my core issues. I see a therapist, I see a Psych doc. They share an office. I have told them I wouldn't hurt myself, which is why I am here. I have to heal for my boys, the need me, my family needs me, I can't quit.

    But I can't stop thinking about ending the pain...

    The other woman keeps pursuing me, and I can't stop it since I am addicted to the validation and the emotional intimacy. Every text, chat, phone call (or whatever) leaves me feeling more hollow, more guilty, and like I have taken yet another step backwards.

    All day... every day... I just want this nightmare to end...

    I will never hold my (soon to be ex) wife again, yet I will have to see her for the rest of my life. Some other man will be co-parenting my children. I am beyond devastated.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi, and welcome to SF.

    I think you've got the right idea with working on your core issues before you get involved in another relationship. I think that will go a long way in keeping you from getting hurt again. I know it's not easy to hold on when you're feeling so alone, but your kids do need you, and they're worth holding on for. I hope you're able to get some time with them.
  3. HBAtlanta

    HBAtlanta New Member

    Thanks. I got more time with them this morning. The problem is that time with them is bittersweet. I love the time with them, but it also serves as a constant reminder of everything I have done, everything I have lost, and the pain that I am in.

    Today has been hard. I got them this morning, and even got unscheduled time with my oldest. After I dropped him off -- knowing I had almost 24 hours with nothing to do, no one to spend time with, and just "alone time" -- I have had the feelings creep back in. I hurt... So bad. I don't have anyone I can talk to before my Therapist next week. I don't know that she is really helping.

    I can't get these feelings to stop. It sometimes feels like it would be so much easier to just cease to exist. My (soon to be ex) wishes I would (her words).
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