I here all by myself alone. My life is base on lies. maybe i lie so much to get other to accept me.. I lost my love of my life to it. i feel so lonely.i feel so weak. i lost the ability to eat. i havnt eaten anyting in a week. i dont have a job, no money, no car, i'm in debt. i grew up lonely mom, and dad working late, every school i went to when i grew up i allways get into fights. get pick on bully on had no real friends. i had no life. no gf no friends. i was a drugie. i would pop as much x as i could when iwas young to get a happy feeling that regualar people would feel. i smoked weed to get my time to go by. i finnaly got a job then i blew it off. had a very sweet smart beautiful lady to be mine. but now shes gone. I always envy others for what they have. I envy people for that crappy car, for other had someone to hold for other taht had money for others that had a little bit or alot. i was allways jelous that people had it set for them and i never really had anything. everything was allways fake. i had to use thing to make my feeling happy. i dont even know if it was happy. I dont know what to do. i allways dream i could be all of that. i'm 20 years old. I feel empty. i feel useless alone weak afraid. and i dont know how depress i am anymore. i allwasy try to hide it. no one really ever knew i truely feel. i am weak.... its so hard to pick up my life and move on. when you got nothing nothing seem to go right. i thought i have lost all hope. i am getting weaker adn weaker each minute that past by. i'm loosing weight rapidly. i need help cuse i cant seem to find it anywhere. i cant pick up the part anymore. no my mind is so confuse. Thousands of things are running in my mind. i starting to forget about alot of things. i feel such a bum, i dont have anything to live for. i have taken too many thing for granted in my life. I know other has wroser problem then i do but i cant really seem to find my strength to be better. i feel each day i wanna attemp to end this life more and more. sometime i wish i was never created or just simply vanish into thin air. i keep writing suicide note once in a while. but now i write them more and more . i feel like these last few week might be my last. I dont knwo waht wrong with me. like when i attemp to end it i feel so much happy like the happyest i been in a long time. like i found love. i envy how so many things are great for other people. maybe i shoulda just live my life to the fullest? but wait what is really fullest? how do you really achived real happy real joy and not the once that we created so we can blind ourself. all these thing that we live for waht is it really for? to live old for what when you got nothing. TO find someone else then get crush and move on? to fall in lvoe and get it all taken away? to get money then buy useless junk to supress this depression? maybe i dont knwo what there really is. i know i'm making no sence. How do we make ourself better by being a strong person. how do you find the strenght? words do not help... gettign guide by otehr? what gonan hapen if that person fled from you too? I know i need help but how do i do it. but is there really help? becasue i think i'm past being depressed. I just dont know what to do. i'm all alone in my room now. no one home. just this soul going to hell.