Alone in the dark

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Black Rose, Aug 21, 2016.

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  1. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Today I woke up with a strong <Mod Edit:Methods> I think it was the strongest urge I ever had. Alone with no one to talk to even when people around. Suffering inside and out. Nothing really heRe making it worth staying. People say you have your kids to live for. I laugh and reply they are 30% of the reason I'm ready to go. I haven't eaten in days, can't sleep as always due to never ending anxiety, always in pain both emotionally and physically. The truth is I doubt I would be missed. I wish I could talk to someone in person but I know the reality. There first recommendation is medicine. But medicine can't change what's happening in my life. I hate when people tell me things will get better hang in there blah blah blah. But whenever they say that things ALWAYS get much worse. I hate being here and see no reason to stay. Not really sure why I'm venting here. It's not like anyone really cares. I guess it's just to get it off my chest. I think today will be the day I can finally get rest. Forever is the plan as long as I'm not stupid enough to tell anyone or be near anyone when I do it just in case they get the silly idea of trying to stop me or SAVING me before the job is done.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2016
  2. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I care ... I really do.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Ok, you want to give but what about the impact on your kids. Yes, I feel like you everyday but sometimes you need good of a bad situation. You important and never forget that. We all understand what you going through and the only people who understand are the ones who care about YOU.

    Please keep posting as you will receive a lot of care from us and hopfully it will make you realise that the final committment is not the answer.

    Take care and most important thing be safe.
  4. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hello Black Rose, I am Mox,

    Thank you for joining us at SF and sharing part of your story. The more you share the more we can help you. That is how SF "works" we share what is going on with us. People will rally around you trying to give you ideas. You are with friends. I invite you to read my personal story in green below; and know you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here has been through their own personal Hell. While you are here no one will ridicule you or make fun of you in any way. That BS is not tolerated here at SF. I came across SF because I was looking for ways to hurt myself. So I am going to ask you bluntly, are you feeling suicidal? If you are not; that is great. If you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself, you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in how you feel. There is no shame in getting help. At SF we will give you emotional support and lots *hugs.

    What is going on with you to feel this way? You are obviously one very stressed out person. Let us help you. Share with us your story. Share with us your pain. Know that you are not in this battle alone.

    Take Care; I care for you and I care what happens to you
  5. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Thank you all for your kind responses. I just want to make a note on the kid thing. I love my children but even though this sounds selfish I still want to go. I spent all of my life taking care of everyone else. I spend almost everyday sick, stressed out, and in pain. No one cares. All people care about is how they feel about it. Never how I feel. Whenever I have feelings I always drop them to consider how it would affect the feelings of others. In regards to talking with someone I won't lie I will never admit myself to a hospital and have learned why I should stay away from "mental health professionals". You see, I worked with them as a paraprofessional. I witnessed them on many an occasion discuss clients in a way that is extremely unprofessional. I've heard the jokes, watched them make fun of their clients, and listened to a renowned psychologist state that counseling is a type of a placebo. It only works if you desperately want it to. Sometimes. Me... I stay away from people and would rather talk to someone who knows not who I am and can't run to call the white coats at every statement. People should have the right to die and it's selfish for others to expect someone to suffer just because they want them to stick around. Quite frankly, their reasoning isn't enough. I think I do better than most people I know who feel like me. I've wanted to die every day of my life for the past 20 years but refrained from doing so out of fear of hurting someone else emotionally. Now, I guess it's just wearing off me. Meds won't stop me from feeling this way. The only one that was strong enough to keep me around this long was God. But I don't think he cares anymore. I really hope that statement doesn't lead to a religious discussion. I hate those.I know everyone want to give me hope and that's nicer than any of those around me have ever shown. I just get called names instead. Because I'm "pretty" I'm suppose to be this walking stupid perfect picture that never has any problems. BUT I DO HAVE PROBLEMS. I really don't like people. Never have. People hurt good people but we are supposed to keep standing there and turning the other cheek. But I can't. You see... I have sensory integration disorder, advanced PTSD, epilepsy, chronic pancreatits, extensive nerve damage because my body seem to be attacking itself, arithmia, and insomnia. Everything gets on my nerves. You would never know just by looking at me. I am 5'5 and weigh 104 still dropping because I get to wake up every day feeling nice and pregnant even though I'm not. Then... after emptying my stomach before I've had a chance to put anything in it I get to go play mommy and deal with my significant other's constant need to talk about every little flipping thing. I'm not a talker when it comes down to my emotions. Except for with my children. I love to watch how their minds process through the world around them and they love my approach. I appreciate that. With others I am a writer only. So there is always that morning fight to look forward to when I just want to be left alone for a moment. Eating is not happening. It's the most painful thing on the planet no matter what it is. My sleep is always interrupted because the pain in various parts of my body wakes me up. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to sleep. So... imagine having people around. Imagine the sensory issue where touch feels downright awkward and horrible. I feel waaaaay too much. Even a simple touch of my arm. But have 2 children who are big huggers. Can't turn the children down from a hug. Not their fault I hate the feeling. Add the significant other's touch..... enough to make you want to run out of your skin. Imagine listening to people talk, mixed with 1 child with ADHD and sensory integration disorder (at least I understand him though), and a daughter who is daddy's worst nightmare. Significant behavior issues due to mood dysregulation disorder and pervasive development disorder (autism spectrum). I am great at conflict resolution and handle them well but man....sometimes it can really be too much for me. Imagine having glitches when you talk to people than can make anyone sound stupid. I hate the glitches. I forget everything during them and always make a fool out of myself trying to pick up where I left off or remembering what we were talking about altogether. I really hate the glitches. Imagine listening to the loud music the SO seems to always want to listen to because silence seems to be too much for him. Imagine dealing with the sound of being in a cafeteria full of people whenever 3 or more people are talking. Imagine listening to 2 children bicker nonstop as children often do but as someone who can become easily overstimulated. Then turn around and do it with the SO. In pain and half asleep. Everyday. Now imagine it while being ripped out of reality and thrown into the worst realistic daymares of your life several times a day even when trying to sleep. If you seek help..... they take your children. I watched my sister go through it. Take a look at what I go through and realize no matter what I do there is no escape. If I try to go on vacation the SO gets possessive and starts a fight. One he calls talking but done with accusations and the you you you crap. I'm trapped. Trapped in my world and trapped inside my head. Outside I am afraid to be around people. They bother me when they get close and get offended when I ask for personal space. And the uninvited touch I hate so much. Why? Why do people need to be that close? I hate all the sounds excluding nature's symphony. I hate having to look people in their eyes. It's uncomfortable and too intimate. But culture says it's necessary. I hate to hurt people's feelings so I hide in my house instead. Help does not come without consequences no matter how positive you think. You only know if you try can rip children away from their mother. I don't think it's worth talking to anyone. Here at least I feel safe to talk.
  6. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Thank you. You are very kind.
  7. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Wow. I just realized how much I wrote last night. It does feel really good to write it out without feeling judged or seeming whiny. Thank all of you who took the time out to read about my pain. If I make it through this I will make sure to pay it forward.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I said "wow" too when I read what you wrote. No wonder you feel despair, omgosh. All I can say is a few things to relate to you, that I hate people and choose to live alone. But I knew this early on, so made the decision for no kids and no marriage EVER. Pets are okay. I do have a bf and we're working on our relationship so that's okay too, but nobody else is allowed into my life. I feel more comfy that way. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me. I was a serial-people-pleaser and it lead to burnout back in 2003. After that I got the help I needed, but it took a long time to get better. I'm not really 100% but I'm happy and functioning.

    Your situation is really rough Black Rose, I do wish you the best. This may sound wacky, but are you in any position to be extremely selfish? By that I mean, leave the kids with their father and go spend some time on your own? Can you enter some kind of "rehab" type of facility? I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I mean...not a hospital per se, but some kind of place where you can be alone and get more help? Maybe such places don't exist.

    Sorry you feel so bad :(
    Piexes likes this.
  9. Enfys2824

    Enfys2824 Member

    Sorry you are feeling so bad Black Rose, but hell, I can relate to a lot of what you have said here: the always taking care of others thing and putting others feelings first; feeling that no one has the right to guilt trip another person into living when they just want to die; chronic lack of sleep and the hating other people getting too close or physical contact... all resonate with me.

    I don't know what the answers are, as I'm still looking myself, but I wish you well and hope that you find some kind of peace from the torment that you are in.
  10. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Thank you Enfys2824. I hope the same for you and will make sure to share any new tools I learn during my journey through the darkness so that maybe it can assist us both in finding the light.
  11. Black Rose

    Black Rose Member

    Thank you for reading my post. I wish I could get away but my husband is extremely possessive. As soon as he finds out I want to take a mini vacation he stresses me out unless he can come too. I am simply not permitted to be alone. Guys seem to feel really insecure around me for no reason. Not all pretty girls cheat. Sometime we just want a moment alone. And in order to enter a rehab I have to have a drug or alcohol problem which I have neither. My system is as clean as a whistle. Maybe we should have places like that in which one can get help without feeling like a caged animal. Something more like a retreat type environment which you can take a mental health break. It would be a great idea.
    Frances M likes this.
  12. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Rose, not sure which country you are in, but the US mental health system at the county level (at least in Texas) has what is called respite centers, places to go to get away and get help. They are minimally secure as far as "being locked up" and would be accessed by contacting your county's mental health system. That being said I am not sure you want to enter the system (it can be frustrating) but I thought I'd mention it.

    I do hope you feel better and can find a way to cope with all the pressure you are under.
  13. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Yes, the word I was looking for was "retreat". Around here there are some of those, mostly new age kind of thing. Your husband sounds controlling. If you can manage it, it might do you some real good to put your foot down and get away. I mentioned to my bf that I wanted to visit a friend in northern Canada for a few weeks, and he whined about it until I gave up. He got his way but I didn't get the time away I needed. Now I'm desperate for it and I may just go anyway on a whim.
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