Alone in the shadows...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Obulet, Apr 17, 2007.

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  1. Obulet

    Obulet New Member

    I have a couple friends, but I can't confide in them about everything... I keep thinking I should tell them that I feel suicidal sometimes, but then I think that they'll hate me for not thinking about them.
    They all know, or think they know about me and my 'boyfriend.' I was with him for three and a half years, and then suddenly last year he was killed in a car crash on the way to see me... something that I cannot help thinking was my fault. If he hadn't been with me, then he wouldn't have been coming to see me, and he wouldn't have died... RIGHT?
    No one knows that I think this way, but to tell you the truth, I wish they did, I just don't want them to hate me. I put on the act of a happy and slightly deranged seventeen year old to make them think that I'm okay... but I'm not.
    The only reason that I haven't slit my wrists yet, is because I think it would hurt my mother. Not to say that I haven't cut, because I have and still do; but everytime I try to make it go deeper, or just swallow the whole bottle of pills instead of the recommended amount, I think of her. I don't think that image will hold me for that much longer, because to tell you the truth, even though I know she loves me, I can't help thinking that everyone, including her, would be better off without me.
  2. wondering

    wondering Active Member

    if any one in your life would have been better without you he would have left,
    and to be honest i don't think that any of your friends will understand and even if they'll will i don't think you'll belive them.
    i don't belive that any of them will hate you for feeling and thinking what you do, i don't tell anyone because i don't want them to know but if that doesn't bothers you than i think you've got nothing to fear of telling them.
    and about your boy friend, forgive me if i cross the line, but even if he would have stayed alive by not meeting you, do you think he wouldn't have traded his life for love? if you do read some posts in here i'm not saying its necesarily right for him, but many would have given their lives for a real love even if for just a short while.
  3. Her_ghost

    Her_ghost Member

    :eek:hmy: OMG that sucks so SO bad I'm so shcoked...
    Well you know blameing yourself will not help your situation..
    he died cuz he loved you. Thats why he was comeing to see you.
    Am I wrong??
    Its ok to not tell your friends everything.
    We all have that one person we tell everyhting.
    And normaly its who we feel closest to..
    So not telling your friends is ok.
    I keep stuff to myself all the time. But I tell my step mom
    everything.. Cuz shes who I am closest to..

    Anyways you can add my yahoo name if you want to..
    U can add me on msn to and we can talk then..Or pm me
    but I like IM's better they convo goes better...
    I hope to see you soon.
  4. Obulet

    Obulet New Member

    Yeah, I talked to my friends today, but I still didn't have the courage or the heart to tell them how I feel... I know I need help, and last night I almost went too deep when I cut... I swear I wasn't even going to, but it felt so good, and I couldn't stop...
    Even that makes me feel ashamed now... I would like to go to see someone, but to tell you the truth, I don't think I would talk to them either, for the fear of rejection even in that source...
    I just don't know what to do... I'm so confused...:missing: I was just listening to that song, Missing by Evanescence and it really described everything... God doesn't that sound lame... But it really does, I think I would die just to know if anyone cared...
  5. SoManyReasons

    SoManyReasons Member

    I now realize what the point of a forum is: To get help and also to give it. And it makes so much sense!

    My thought is that I know what you mean when you say "they might be better off without me". In all honesty, I have thought the say way. I'm sure many people have. But, in this case, I find it empowering to actually for a moment think: Family is family. They will always love you. And if you were to suddenly be erased from them, it would cause great pain and anguish.

    Sometimes that helps me.
  6. Obulet

    Obulet New Member

    Family may be family, but you know what? My dad kicked me out of the house today for being different! He doesn't want me, and I can see no reason why anyone else would if my own father doesn't!

    God I just wish I was dead... Maybe that's the answer to it...
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