I have a couple friends, but I can't confide in them about everything... I keep thinking I should tell them that I feel suicidal sometimes, but then I think that they'll hate me for not thinking about them. They all know, or think they know about me and my 'boyfriend.' I was with him for three and a half years, and then suddenly last year he was killed in a car crash on the way to see me... something that I cannot help thinking was my fault. If he hadn't been with me, then he wouldn't have been coming to see me, and he wouldn't have died... RIGHT? No one knows that I think this way, but to tell you the truth, I wish they did, I just don't want them to hate me. I put on the act of a happy and slightly deranged seventeen year old to make them think that I'm okay... but I'm not. The only reason that I haven't slit my wrists yet, is because I think it would hurt my mother. Not to say that I haven't cut, because I have and still do; but everytime I try to make it go deeper, or just swallow the whole bottle of pills instead of the recommended amount, I think of her. I don't think that image will hold me for that much longer, because to tell you the truth, even though I know she loves me, I can't help thinking that everyone, including her, would be better off without me.