Another pointless thread... Still have to write something, my insides are on fire again. Things have yet taken a turn for the worse, today I had to take sick-leave from school. It was too much right now, I'm way way behind on everything. So I will be gone for a month resting. The thing is just that I greatly fear (more like expect) to become totally alienated to the friends I've made so far here. After I lose them I have nothing. I'm pretty lonely as it is already but atleast I had some social life, the only thing I think that made me fight. I can't get support from my family, I've tried that too many times in the past and it only goes to shit as they can't understand (which I find hilariously ironic as my mom is a paranoid schitzophreniac and she gots heaps of support). Then again I was always the rotten one, I even got blamed for my moms suicide attempt because I had a fight with my girlfriend at the time (way to find a scapegoat). I've overcome the urge to kill myself, well sort of. I've gone to the stage where I don't care about my health anymore. I might be slowly killing myself with excessive drinking/smoking/poor diet/lack of sleep, I simply don't care anymore. I just find it impossible to see any future where I'm happy. I'd want a girlfriend but don't see that happening, not with this sickness in me. And my last relationship (of 9 years, the only one I've had) went down in flames, I'm now mordibly afraid to even approach women in the slightest sexual way. I really have nowhere to fall back on. My shrink said it pretty well today: I miss the foundations to life that normal people have, I had to build them myself as a child but they can never last. I thought when I had a partner that I could build some of them from that but it only ended up as an abusive relationship where she took out everything on me. Through school I was bullied a lot and tried to commit suicide when I was 10. My parents didn't support me at all, I just got yelled at and made an outcast in the family because they thought I was a freak. I don't think I'm going to find happiness or security ever in my life, I'm too damaged. And the prospect of this being the rest of my life doesn't really feel tempting. I can have brief periods of mania but it always comes back to this, I just don't have the inner comfort I need to survive.