Alone, miserable, darkness looming in the distance...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Dec 7, 2011.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Another pointless thread...
    Still have to write something, my insides are on fire again. Things have yet taken a turn for the worse, today I had to take sick-leave from school. It was too much right now, I'm way way behind on everything. So I will be gone for a month resting. The thing is just that I greatly fear (more like expect) to become totally alienated to the friends I've made so far here. After I lose them I have nothing. I'm pretty lonely as it is already but atleast I had some social life, the only thing I think that made me fight. I can't get support from my family, I've tried that too many times in the past and it only goes to shit as they can't understand (which I find hilariously ironic as my mom is a paranoid schitzophreniac and she gots heaps of support). Then again I was always the rotten one, I even got blamed for my moms suicide attempt because I had a fight with my girlfriend at the time (way to find a scapegoat).

    I've overcome the urge to kill myself, well sort of. I've gone to the stage where I don't care about my health anymore. I might be slowly killing myself with excessive drinking/smoking/poor diet/lack of sleep, I simply don't care anymore. I just find it impossible to see any future where I'm happy. I'd want a girlfriend but don't see that happening, not with this sickness in me. And my last relationship (of 9 years, the only one I've had) went down in flames, I'm now mordibly afraid to even approach women in the slightest sexual way.

    I really have nowhere to fall back on. My shrink said it pretty well today: I miss the foundations to life that normal people have, I had to build them myself as a child but they can never last. I thought when I had a partner that I could build some of them from that but it only ended up as an abusive relationship where she took out everything on me. Through school I was bullied a lot and tried to commit suicide when I was 10. My parents didn't support me at all, I just got yelled at and made an outcast in the family because they thought I was a freak. I don't think I'm going to find happiness or security ever in my life, I'm too damaged. And the prospect of this being the rest of my life doesn't really feel tempting. I can have brief periods of mania but it always comes back to this, I just don't have the inner comfort I need to survive.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not alone now hun okay you keep posting here and you will see y ou will make new friends and people that can relate will respond and perhaps give you some advice
    Just know it is easier being able to talk about these things knowing someone cares. Hugs to you
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not alone now hun okay you keep posting here and you will see y ou will make new friends and people that can relate will respond and perhaps give you some advice
    Just know it is easier being able to talk about these things knowing someone cares. Hugs to you
     
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