Alone or "arranged marriage"?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by TheBLA, Sep 30, 2012.

  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Lets just say that these were the only two options on the table, keep it as simple as possible.

    So lets just say that the only chance I'd ever have to "get a girl" would be to get an "arranged" marriage with a girl from my native country of India in which my family would help to find her. Again, lets also say that the primary reason she is attracted to me in the first place is because of the fact that I am a U.S and Canadian citizen. She would want to come abroad for perhaps a better life.

    I know there's actually many happy arranged marriages where both of them don't love each other at first, but later onwards, the love blossoms and comes forth. We also hear of so many love marriages, especially here in the West, where the two may be high-school sweethearts, but as the years go by, the love fades and the marriage crumbles and divorce happens. Marriage truly feels like a roll of the dice no matter what type you get into. I would rather have an arranged marriage where we don't love each other at first and if we still don't love each other and break up, its not that bad. We didn't lose anything. I'd hate that we are madly in love at first and marry and the love fades and dies as the years pass by and we have a bitter divorce with lots of emotional baggage and loss from before. :(

    I feel that I still have some "pride" left in me and that I can never do this sort of marriage. Being raised in the U.S, it just doesn't feel compatible to me at all. I feel that even if later onwards, we love each other like crazy, I will always look in her eyes and think the only reason she was with me in the first place was for an ulterior reason and that would forever nag at me. Of course, anyone would rather a girl be with me for who he is inside, not what he possesses. But so many men go for the "mail-order bride" route, when they cannot get a woman in their own home country, I know I'd be far from alone in this.

    I know there's no way this can have a straight answer, as there's so many variables involved, I just wanted to hear some opinions at least. Any thoughts?

    Would you choose this option or to live the rest of your life "alone", by never having any romantic or intimate relations with a girl, which I have never had so far yet? This is geared towards someone who, lets assume, complete, 100% failure with women and has a 0% chance to attract a girl in his home country or anywhere else with his own charm and charisma? Lets say that his immigration status is the primary (or main) reason a girl would even give him the time of day to begin with?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2012
  2. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I think that with the right person, life can be amazing shared together.

    But with the wrong person, it can be the worst nightmare of Hell that can be imagined. Being alone would be FAR preferable. I've been both alone and in a bad marriage, and being alone is much better.

    As to what the chances are of winding up with the right person in an arranged marriage are, that I don't know.
     
  3. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    I've known people from all three sides of this track, the arranged marriage, the love marriage, and the 'mail order' bride. Like with many things, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Like you, I am unable to 'attract' a partner. So much so I've near as dammit given up. I've also dumped the depression analogy, although it lives inside me constantly trying to re-surface. I would go for the 'mail order' bride, except I have no funds to pay for a woman to come over here and my lifestyle is probably worse than anyone may already be living.
    A colleague I used to work with chose the arranged marriage route. for him it was easier than spending time finding someone, easier than going through all the games associated with courting, easier than the heartbreak if things don't work out. Although his main argument was that, in his culture, arranged marriages tended to last much longer and were stronger than other ways of finding a partner because they were built on a common belief system.
    I've fallen in love more than once. Been put through the ringer until now there's only a shadow of a person. Perhaps it wasn't really love? or perhaps it's just too easy to swap and change when we tire of someone?
    The men I've known who brought brides from overseas, two have very strong, very loving relationships, one was ripped off for everything.

    I suppose the answer is, you pay's your money and you takes your choice....nothing in life is guaranteed, but overall I'd say the adventure was worth the price, whichever route you take.
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I have several Indian friends, both male and female (raised in the UK).
    3 of them have had arranged marriages, 3 of them are very happily married.

    Of the 3 only one had the completely traditionally arranged marriage, and the first year was a great strain, but they finally found some common ground and worked at it and are now very happy together.

    The other 2 were given a choice of partner, in that they both were allowed to meet and get to know their potential partners.
    This seems to have worked out very well and both are very happy in their marriages, this idea seems to marry the ideas of the west; with its "falling in love" with the "marrying for culture and tradition" of the more Indian way of looking at marriage.

    Is there anyway your family could maybe look for a semi-arranged marriage within your own community?
    This way there is still an element of choice and you get to know each other a little.
     
  5. efgywsdfa

    efgywsdfa Member

    I would pick arranged marriage. I believe the odds are a lot oín favour of getting a wonderful woman than not in that lottery. Most people are supprisingly kind and friendly when you get to know them.

    On the other hand, I can understand your pride, and would probably feel the same way if I had to decide. But is it not possible to arrange marriage with some one who is well off, or that have lived outside of India? Would that make you feel different about the situation?

    I am my self in a similar sit, it's probably mai-order bride or alone. I prefer alone, but I think I would have easier accepting an arranged marriage than a mailorder since that would be less my fault. I could in a way blame the culture or my parents and still feel I have some pride left.
     
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    My mom just had a talk about arranged marriage again with me today, after a while. I wanted to clarify that I am not being forced to marry at all, nor being forced to do by arranged as the only method, nor only to an Indian girl.
    My parents have absolutely no problem if I find a girl myself and if she is non-Indian. They would prefer if she was Indian though, honestly (from India or an overseas Indian like myself). I myself would actually prefer a non-Indian girl as something fresh, exciting, a chance to delve into another culture, country, etc. as I have only been immersed in Indian culture my entire life and largely interacting with Indians in an Indian community. I am not even that "Indian" to begin with, having all but forgotten my mother tongue for instance.

    They are only going the arranged route as I have told them many times that I am a complete failure with women and there is 0% chance I can attract a girl on my own. They think getting married is definitely better than being alone for the rest of my life. They especially feel this way since they also know I have next to no friends and suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. They think having a wife can really help me out, she can love and nurture me and improve my life. I fully realize that a bad wife can make my crappy life even more crappy and I certainly wouldn't put up with that. They feel its something I should at least try and dip my toes into rather than just giving up altogether and not trying anything.

    If I decided to go through an arranged marriage, its not like I would marry her within just the first meeting or without even seeing her. I'd have a chance for both of us to sit down and meet and talk with each other at least several times before we decided to go further. Even before we'd meet, we'd get to talk by phone or email beforehand, especially if she's all the way in India.
     
  7. efgywsdfa

    efgywsdfa Member

    I think your parents are right. A girl can make everything a lot better. And you don't need to decide to marry right now, as you say you get the opportunity to change your mind later if it doesn't feel right. See it as an arranged date instead of an arranged marriage. :)

    I think we are somewhat similar. I am also "spoiled and pampered", weak and shut-in. But you had a job at least that is more than i had, and I am 10 years older (I think). I am thinking of do some travel and visit Philippines to experience something new and maybe that will give me more to live for. Maybe that would work for you? And I would love to have some arranged dates. I would probably fuck it up, but I know such experiences can give me a real energy kick, which might be what you also need.
     
  8. in heaven

    in heaven Well-Known Member

    it sounds like match making in your case since you can choose to break up if it doesn't work. i think you should give it a go just to see how it turns out, maybe you will like her and she could help you get better. if this is an arrange marriage for a girl in india to a guy in india i would advise against it, I'm not indian but i've heard that a lot of these marriages in india are dangerous because spousal abuse is common in arranged marriages. Just whoever you choose to marry, you have treat her good, i'm sure she would love more than just because of the immigration benefit in time if you treat her well.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2012
  9. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I always envy that unattractive men are able to swipe up and marry any woman, if even by arrangement, while unattractive women don't have any options, not even arranged marriage.
     
  10. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I may not be so lucky as you may think I am. If I didn't have a U.S and Canadian passport, even these girls from India wouldn't give me the time of day. Its the ONLY way I am even getting my foot in the door. I feel terrible about that, that a girl is first drawn to me for a ulterior motive, even if I manage to charm her later onwards and she really does truly love me. Even if we are happied married for many years, that fact of WHY she was first drawn to me will always haunt me.

    Marriage itself is something I am not so keen on. I am terrified of getting into committment, especially given how immature I am. Also, I'm not even really set out to marry an Indian girl (from India or abroad like me). I am barely Indian culturally and find the idea of an inter-racial marriage and the unique cultural experiences and challenges it would bring exciting. To marry an Indian seems like the same-old, same-old, boring, just in my opinion. I barely fit among my own Indian community so maybe its why I feel this way.

    But lets face it, beggars can't be choosers. I'd love to have a fancy muscle or sports car, but I can only afford a Corolla. :( I don't think I can even get an Indian girl from here in the U.S or elsewhere, only in India, and only because she can use me at first to come abroad for a green card.

    For now, I'd just like to have the experience of being in a relationship without the heavy commitment, a girlfriend. But there's no way I can ever get one, so an arranged marriage is really the only chance I have of getting into ANY relationship with a girl, period. I have to skip all that girlfriend stuff that everyone else gets into. Unlike many other Indian parents, mine have never forbid me to get a girlfriend. Its just that I am the problem, I cannot get one.

    I'd actually feel slightly guilty as well to have an arranged marriage. If I marry a girl from India, I am taking her away from a potential Indian suitor over there. This is on top of a skewed male-female sex ratio there like in China.

    I want to say that my situation is thankfully not like in older times or even now in very remote places still that I am not allowed to ever divorce her. Or that I have to marry her without having looked at her and meet her either. I'll have the chance to talk with her on Skype, email, phone before meeting her several times also before making the plunge.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2012
  11. efgywsdfa

    efgywsdfa Member

    Are you an unattractive woman? I am not sure why unattractive women can't do the same thing and find some man from a poor country who is eager to get away from poverty. hm?
     
  12. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Yes I am. For the second question, because men don't want an ugly woman on their arm. It's usually men who go out of their way to find women, not the other way around, and men don't respect or love desperate women (and we are viewed as such when we travel around the world to get a man who will dump us after getting his visa; whereas a man who gets a woman under this same pretense is also viewed by many as desperate, but is less ridiculed or frowned upon for it when it lands him a beautiful wife and it's been this way for thousands of years men will travel the earth for a beautiful wife), simple as that. And no matter how politically correct men try to be or say otherwise, beauty and physical attraction is a high priority for them, higher for them than it is for our priorities with men.
     
  13. efgywsdfa

    efgywsdfa Member

    This is an interesting topic, but I feel it would be disrespectful towards Rahul to have the discussion here in his thread. I will start a new thread instead. :)
     
  14. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Not a problem, I wouldn't have minded anyways. Thank you. :)

    Its not as if any woman would want to have an ugly man on their arm either. It does feel to me that in general, if we are talking about "shallowness", a man will moreso value physical attractiveness in a woman, and a woman will moreso value wealth and income potential in a man.

    You view yourself as desperate, as do I. You and I both feel that we are not exactly the best catch around, and not in the position to just pick any mate we want, like a very beautiful and/or rich person may be able to. So don't you think that there may be a "desperate" man out there for you? I am not a normal person, so I really cannot find myself a normal woman or perhaps I don't even deserve one either. I can be picky myself, but then I would just have to be alone then, if I can handle that. I want a fancy sports car, but I can only afford a Corolla. I don't even want a supermodel woman. For now, I'd prefer to have a woman who is of a different race and culture from me, for the unique challenges and experiences it brings and one who is fairly urbanized like myself.

    But for the time being, the only girl who would marry me is an Indian girl from a very poor village in India. I have met her and she is a beautiful person inside, not so much inside. But outer beauty fades, and inner beauty lasts forever, I keep trying to tell that to the vain, shallow part of myself inside. I have seen many beautiful girls who are just plain bitches and whom I'd hate to have any long-lasting, meaningful relationship with. I am starting to think that even if any girl would want to be with me and I easily have the freedom to choose, maybe I would still choose the simple, pure, innocent village girl in the end perhaps.....

    I do understand your frustration at double-standards when applied to women and men. In some cases, the women get the raw deal but there are cases where a man will get a raw deal as well.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2012
  15. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Being unattractive is not synonymous with being desperate.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2012
  16. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I am sorry Jen, if I was stupidly assuming this. Please forgive me. I seem to be unintentionally pissing off a lot of people as of late. Its never seemed to happen before. I don't know what's going on. My depression is probably advancing and subconsciously forcing me to being more of a "jerk" to upset people so nobody will miss me or even be glad when I off myself. :(