So i just hurt myself. Its been three months since I actually cut. I did other things but did not use the razor. I missed it. Seeing the razor again was actually a relief. Like I knew that I will feel better. This time it was guilt, punishment, the will to feel pain and then feel ok for a couple of hours. Seeing the blood felt so right. How fucked up is that? Will I never get better? Will I always go through this alone? Don't tell me I'm not alone. I'm talking about long term friendship. Not people who don't really know me or never talked to me who say they don't want me to die. I'm scared. I'm hopeless. It was better. Everything was ok. I wanted to fight. To win. Now I don't give a shit about that anymore. Why should I go on and hurt everyone I meet along the way? I don't mean to hurt anyone but I do. There are so many things I regret and wish I could take back. I used to blame everyone for screwing me over but I can't. If it was once or twice people wanted to hurt me I would. But once everyone gets to know me, they either leave or screw me over. I'm done blaming others for how fucked up I am. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to wake up during the night because I'm still bleeding and hurting. I don't want to wake up regretting everything. I can't go on like this. It's been way too long. I want to isolate myself. Completely. Lock myself in the flat and not go out. At least I wouldn't hurt anyone. I've wanted to get this over since a long time. So far it's guilt that stopped me. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I know that someone cares. I'm tired of fighting for others though. Tired of having to pretend that I'm ok. I made some friends here. I got support. I felt better but I don't want to get close to someone and lose hope again. Be left behind like always. I know it's my fault. I push people away. To anyone I talked to on here I'm sorry. I try to help but I'm not good at it. I do care just don't want to say the wrong thing. It's 6 am. I can't sleep. I'm scared and so alone. I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Who do I trust? Or should I just get this over with? Or hurt myself again till I feel dizzy enough and fall asleep?