Alone, scared, confused TRIGGERING

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by unnoticed, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. unnoticed

    unnoticed Well-Known Member

    So i just hurt myself. Its been three months since I actually cut. I did other things but did not use the razor. I missed it. Seeing the razor again was actually a relief. Like I knew that I will feel better. This time it was guilt, punishment, the will to feel pain and then feel ok for a couple of hours. Seeing the blood felt so right. How fucked up is that? Will I never get better? Will I always go through this alone? Don't tell me I'm not alone. I'm talking about long term friendship. Not people who don't really know me or never talked to me who say they don't want me to die.

    I'm scared. I'm hopeless. It was better. Everything was ok. I wanted to fight. To win. Now I don't give a shit about that anymore. Why should I go on and hurt everyone I meet along the way? I don't mean to hurt anyone but I do. There are so many things I regret and wish I could take back. I used to blame everyone for screwing me over but I can't. If it was once or twice people wanted to hurt me I would. But once everyone gets to know me, they either leave or screw me over. I'm done blaming others for how fucked up I am. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to wake up during the night because I'm still bleeding and hurting. I don't want to wake up regretting everything. I can't go on like this. It's been way too long.

    I want to isolate myself. Completely. Lock myself in the flat and not go out. At least I wouldn't hurt anyone.

    I've wanted to get this over since a long time. So far it's guilt that stopped me. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I know that someone cares. I'm tired of fighting for others though. Tired of having to pretend that I'm ok. I made some friends here. I got support. I felt better but I don't want to get close to someone and lose hope again. Be left behind like always. I know it's my fault. I push people away. To anyone I talked to on here I'm sorry. I try to help but I'm not good at it. I do care just don't want to say the wrong thing.

    It's 6 am. I can't sleep. I'm scared and so alone. I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Who do I trust? Or should I just get this over with? Or hurt myself again till I feel dizzy enough and fall asleep?
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Atram, if you want to do something that will distract you, get a pair of tweezers, and find a place on your body that is not on your head, like an arm, or a leg, and pluck some hairs one by one. This will give you a kind of pain that will not result in bleeding, and will feel stinging, and tingling, and you can control all of this. I am meaning, if you need a physical distraction, something that you can do to yourself, that has pain, but won't leave any scars, and will not cause any severe medical problems etc... I am saying that now, for the future Atram, so that the future Atram is not stuck feeling sad about all of the scarring, or is not stuck feeling like their skin is just this huge mess, caused by their own hand.

    The emotions you are feeling now, if you could, would be best not to act on them, because the emotions you are feeling, are leading you to feel like you should be punished. But deep down inside, you know that you absolutely deserve better, ESPECIALLY from yourself.

    You said that if you locked yourself up in the flat, and sort of avoided everyone (escaped to solitary confinement), that you would not hurt anyone. You are wrong there too. You would hurt YOURSELF; and there really is no greater betrayal than hurting yourself. You probably know by now too... how harsh it is to feel like you can't do what you want to do, and to feel like you disappoint all of your goals and dreams constantly etc...

    Atram, that hope you keep losing, is because you must feed it, and train it, and learn to recognize it (even if from the smallest of sources each day)... it will always "go away" when you are not taking care of it, to make sure it can still stay there. It is not your fault that it is going away, because many people don't know that they are actually supposed to sort of train themselves to find hope, and maintain it. No one is really taught how to do that, but it can be taught, and it can be done, and it can become simpler for you.

    The final thing I want to say, is that here, on this forum, you don't have to always pretend you are ok. Sometimes, like now, you can just let it all out and be super honest about how much you really are not alright.

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