I am an 26 year old male American living in South Korea. I left the US to escape my life there, but it seems that I can't escape myself. I have fleeting glimpses of happiness through out my life but in the end I just feel hopeless. I am very lonely here and I am surrounded by people that are actually afraid of me. I like my job but Korea is very superficial. I am a foreigner so I am a second class citizen. Every day they stare at me, they say hurtful things because they think I don't understand Korean. I have made some friends here but every week one of them is leaving for there next job or to go back home. I miss home very much sometimes, but I know it is even worse for me there. I spend all of my money on alcohol and prostitutes pretty much, just to feel alive. Yet every weekend I feel more and more empty. I came here to save money and to make my family proud of me. I feel I have shamed and failed them miserably. This isn't my first battle with suicide. I will walk to work and fantasize about jumping in front of a car. I wait for the train and wonder if it would be painless if I let it run me over. I look for tall buildings and wonder if I could muster the courage to jump off of one. All I want is to be normal and happy. I have tried therapy, religion, drugs, sex,; but the feeling that my life is useless and that it wouldn't matter if I ended now or later is always there in one way, shape or form. I guess a little history is in order as well. When I was young I was sexually abused. I didn't tell anyone until I was 19, a girl friend of mine at the time. I trusted her but she ended up cheating on me and leaving me. I have never had much success with women. Yet I always dream of the when I could finally meet someone who could love me and let me love them back. I went to University to be a police officer. Revenge was my motivation. I finally got a job at a small department. I was proud as ever. It was my dream to be a police officer. Then I did it for a year and I hated it. I saw many traffic accidents, crime scenes, suicides; but the thing that got me the most was how many children I saw get hurt and the people that got away with it. I wanted to kill them all for what they had done. I decided I was not fit to be a cop. So here I am in South Korea. I have been here 10 months and all of the little bullshit is starting to get to me. The uncertainty of everything. The feeling of never wanting to or ability to go home. Most people don't even know I am sad. I am usually always laughing. Its my coping mechanism. I laugh at the most inappropriate things sometimes. The irony of me living in the suicide capital of the world. Only when I am alone in my shitty apartment crying, draining a bottle in to my mouth, spending all my money on creature comforts do I realize how unhappy and alone I feel. I don't think going home will help it either. I have no job waiting, no future, nothing. Only here and now. And here and now is utterly empty and making me feel hallow, contemplating the easy way out. I just had my birthday and it made me think of when my parents were my age they had a house and were married. I am failing.