Alone, Urgent and out of the ordinary

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by pucks2stop, Jan 7, 2013.

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  1. pucks2stop

    pucks2stop New Member

    I don't know if anyone out there can understand me. I am so alone because nobody can seem to relate to even a piece of my total life experiences. I educated myself to support other people in major Life Crisis and have been in crisis ever since, with negative supports.

    For two years or more I have believed it cannot get any bigger, then it does. Psychiatrists and Psychologists tell me I am better equiped and have coped more effectively than anyone with a Masters or PhD could expect to. I have stopped seeking counselling for a variety of reasons, the largest being that my Counsellors end up in counselling after hearing only a fraction of background without nearing present day or progress. That only serves to continue reliving what I need to be able to move on from.

    Some major background points:
    -Born a day before my only brother, an extreme overachiever that was born very prematurely. Labeled and introduced as "The Other Child." Very different experiences provided but stated as "same."
    -Clearly "different" from my peers throughout school - conflict among professionals whether I was "Gifted and Talented" or Mentally Challenged. Parents insistance everything was fine led to the school reluctantly persuing the former.
    -Extreme bullying throughout school (Graduated with most of Grade 1 class), at home and in labour employment. Blamed for the bullying in every circumstance.
    -Focussed so hard on getting deficiencies to exceed my peer's potential to match "Gifts" that I believed those deficiencies were my strengths. e.g. Human Service Skills - spent every lunch hour possible in Jr. High with the school Counsellor building "Peer Support Skills" that were far more applicable to my later development. Aced the Advanced Couselling Exam in College despite a substitute instructor that had never taught related material before. Typically only a few students barely pass this exam with the Professional Instructor. All simply a brief version of skills developed with the Jr. High Counsellor.
    -After working a regular night shift on a Grade 12 school day, family "Intervention" determined I would be enrolled in the exact same University courses as my brother, or get out now.
    -High school sweatheart had abortion after getting pregnant right after I failed to habituate to University. We had no positive family supports and were too destroyed from Family influence to be able to support ourselves - family unaware of pregnancy.
    -Earned College scholarship to take Human Service education. (Child and Youth Care for me, Early Childhood Education for Fiancee)
    -Relocated away from support system for Final Practicum for College.
    -Married my high school sweetheart after 8 years, less than a year after College.
    -Broke my neck 60 degrees at C2 less than a year later. Returned to family home months after accident. Treated as depression and properly diagnosed in Emergency Room 5 years later. Family Doctor would not even look at the x-rays, no follow up, declared me Palliative on Medical record but provided no further supports.
    -A child I did not know from the school I worked in approached me to explain that he watched his friend's Dad, an undercover RCMP sabatoge my bicycle, causing the accident. (A workaholic I only missed one day at the school).
    -Antipsychotics, Antidepressants and the encouraged intense physical activity (Goaltending and Steel Work) had opposite and excalating effects, masked by coping skills for 6 years.
    -Many factors have convinced me that my College Advisor initiated Police action against me to get back at a non blood, extended family member she feels wronged her family extremely, long before I was born. She also coordinated my Final Practicum. The women that worked there definately had some strong and innacurate judgements about me based on their relationship with her. I am convinced that the RCMP were involved covertly before I even arrived and continue to do so a decade later.
    -Returned to Human Service about the time I discovered broken neck. Over 100 hours per week (as well as asleep overnight shifts) until burnt out trying to catch up financially. Family framed it as "you don't want to make time for us" as well as "you have no money because you are lazy." - ???!!!
    -Discovered I have likely coped with High Functioning Aspberger's Syndrome throughout life, also explaining the effect the Meds had on me. (I previously provided support to people with low functioning Autism and similar challenges).
    -Finance, Employment, Marriage and Social factors controlled and manipulated by family (and others?) since childhood.
    -Made a complaint to local Police about an officer's unnecessary intimidation. Constant harrassment and manipulation since. Unwarranted traffic tickets from and directed by that officer. Purgury in Court. Almost daily abandoned vehicle stickers on a car that drives daily. Officer's coming to my home to call me an Asshole when totally unwarranted. Unspecified contact from authorities with (all?) friends, employment and volunteer opportunities alluding to being some sort of Child Abuser.
    -Minimized all involvement with Inlaws a year and a half ago. Formerly awesome relationships had become so negative as a result of challenges faced since returning to our home town that I felt I had no choice.
    -Lived past 5 years in Parent owned home. Father constantly creating new problems to enable denying problems he does not want to acknowledge. Father became so controlling of Mother that he has her focussed on an artificial Alcohol problem during her third battle with Cancer, as he removed all opportunities for her to drink appropriately after her Father passed away from Cancer. Early 2012, broke over 50 bones in the foot that was crushed as a child after kicking a fence in frustration (seeking compromise from Mother within boundaries of Father who intended to complicate things more and say "I told you so"), accidentally broke many bones 2 more times trying to keep living on that foot. Evicted at worst possible time because we "can't be happy there" (under the unreasonable conditions he continued to create and escalate).
    -Dropped from athletic 215 lbs less than a year before to 122 lbs after moving. Conditions of moving sabatoged the only employment I can seem to get. Body fat below 4% risks body consuming organs for nutrients. Can't afford to eat enough, extremely high metabolism.
    -Recently, formally cut all ties with my immediate and extended family at the insistence of several Psychiatrists and Psychologists. Hard for me to stop giving second chances, but done. Family still does not respect this and acts ignorant to all of my life factors and experiences, continuing to phone and get me to reexplain everything to the same ignorant responses.
    -Loving high school sweetheart wife has struggled to cope too, and acquired all of parents strategies to avoid talking about or doing anything except escalate effects of life factors, procrastinate, deny or blame.
    -Anyone who has known me both before and since the accident cannot tolerate my different personality and inability to cope, they have made many innaccurate judgements, offering only negativity and blame towards me. All positive opportunities or converstions overtly restricted or removed. Wife unable to do anything except anticipate and avoid negativity, minimizing and neutralizing any communication or involvement of significance or importance. Meds expected to stop affecting my personality around 2017/18.
    -Financial and Social limitations prevent building a new and healthy support network.
    -I've tried so hard for so long only to find everyone who can contribute anything to the situation takes every opportunity to make things harder for me to thrive. Goaltending recreationally is the only purpose I have left in life, but since I've been trying so hard at anything that feels good, my skill has improved far beyond what my peers can appreciate and is creating conflicts. "It's no fun playing against the same Goalie each week when you can't score." The opposing Goalies often let in 12-18 goals, I let one or two by to reduce conflict.
    -I have been rewiring my Central Nervous System through physical and mental overstimulation. The 3 major nerves going through the break in my neck are "too restricted to be able to live" according to Emergency Room Doctors who are surprised I can even move or eat. The nerves are forming external to the spine as only a child's body should be able to do. Learning everything I have about myself I have tapped into enormous potential at anything I do. I just can't get an opportunity to do anything that I could support myself with, a glace at my Resume and I understand the judgments of potential Employers.
    -Spent Christmas Day alone trying to not end my life, the pinnicle of that struggle over the past 2 years. Overachieving workaholics do not thrive during extended periods of underemployment.
    -Expecting communication today from the only Employer that will give me an opportunity (although restrictively limited), whether they will be effectively utilizing me in 2013 or not. I made $1800 Gross in 2012 despite eagerness, availability, pain tolerance and over 10 years previous experience with that company. Waiting on the call.
    -Wife seems to have decided that having a baby would make things alright, just told me she is pregnant. She didn't stop taking the pill, just stopped taking it at regular times. Quite surprising since we have not had sex more than once a month for a very long time. More and more consistantly this has been exclusively on Ovulation Weekend. We had agreed after the previous abortion that we would not bring a child into this world unless we could support ourselves and that child effectively, the furthest thing from current reality. She may be in a panic to reverse a previous decision to not have children if I am not going to survive my injuries long enough to raise the child. Doctors have indicated the longest I should have survived is 2008. They don't understand why I am physically thriving and just say to keep doing what I am doing. Psychologically, I stopped surviving a long time ago.

    I have many gifts that are great reasons to live. I simply have no opportunity to use or share those gifts in a productive way with the life conditions that are out of my control. I cannot support myself and do not feel Psychologically stable enough to responsibly guide or influence the child that may be coming.

    Briefly some gifts others struggle to understand:
    -Math in my head faster than a Calculator.
    -Writing and Vocabulary skills were 4th year University level in Grade 3 and continued to build rapidly since.
    -Mentally mastered Goaltending, struggling to overcome physical challenges but succeeding and thriving beyond what anyone in mid thirties should be capable of.
    -Communication and understanding shared with animals, Non Verbal Individuals and people (mainly Seniors) with extreme and unique challenges. Led to being asked to be Guardian of some of those individuals. Declined because I was able to help them thrive while I was aware I was failing myself.
    -Pattern recognition and reasoning - able to analyze and respond to situations rapidly beyond what far more educated people can later follow (and be impressed by) without being spoon fed an explanation.
    -Highest pain tolerance imaginable.
    -Speed. Working, cycling, skating, reading, learning...everything at a far higher speed and intensity than my peers (after initial and brief slow learning period). Once labelled "fastest man in the world" by the people who installed a machine to replace mastered manual labor tasks. I was faster manually than 15 people running the machine and was able to easily teach the skills to do the same.
    -Empathy - Aspberger's is associated with a lack of empathy but I have developed empathy in excess (to my detriment?), understanding and taking on the pain of others far too effectively.
    -Resiliance - I've kept going through so many extreme challenges that should have caused me to give up.

    I simply have no control over any aspect of my life and no opportunity to take control and be able to use my strengths or gifts. Overwhelmed with negative factors I just need regular, positive participation in something to keep from hyperfocussing on the multitude of negativity. No opportunities, no supports, plenty of new ways to make the negatives escalate. Out of my control for far too long to continue on this path. I've been ready to end it for 2 long years, but keep believing the people who give me a reason to put it off only to be even more disappointed when they continue to do the same things (more effectively and detrimentally) expecting a different result.

    Person A - ME
    Person B - Who I am expected to be and never will be
    Person C - The me that has coped with being treated as Person B

    I like Person A, so did everyone but my parents before the accident
    I cannot be Person B, efforts to make me be that person drive me away from Person A
    Nobody likes Person C, least of all me.

    I need to find a way to be Person A. I am long past ready to terminate Person C through any means necessary.

    Can anyone help me recover and share a piece of Person A with the world so I am able to support myself and develop a healthy support network once again?
    Can anyone relate?
    "Normal" for others has never been Normal for me. I liked my previous normal.
    It's urgent.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun many of us here like our previous selfs before our depression before things happen and we fell apart and had to find support from others to help us cope with living.
    I hope you find that support here hun Just chatting posting sharing it helps us to see we are not so abnormal as we think we are hun we are all suffering but together we can be stronger ok hugs
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I agree with total eclipse.Use this forum to get help and support.See your doc and find some support around you also the more you have the better you can cope.Take care
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