Alone with my depression

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by itmahanh, May 17, 2008.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So today has been not so bad. Beautiful day outside, was actually for the first time in a long time energetic enough to get out and do some much ignored chores. Had a much needed conversation with someone that helped to clear the air about a lot of stuff. Had a good day with my little one. Even enjoyed grooming the mud infested horse. But yet as the night creeps in I find the old feelings slithering in too. I hate the nights. So alone. In my house alone. No one to talk to. No one to care. And then they start. The sad feelings the feelings of worthlesness. This is usually when I start to drink. I'm fighting it so hard but I feel it winning . And once I have that first drink then they win. The thoughts fill my head completely and I'll start cutting or popping pills. I dont want to, not tonight!!!But times like this all alone I think my depression is like another personality. How the Hell do I fight it? I havent tried in so long I cant remember how to even start to fight it!!
  2. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. Night is indeed a lonely time, perhaps the loneliest. I don't know if it'll work for you, but I find that writing my thoughts helps a lot, especially if you read them again. Your journal becomes a sort of companion a source of venting, as if your writing in it was writing to someone that may eventually read it.

    I know it seems strange but I hope its worth a shot. Good luck with everything. At least you're making progress...hang in there!
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you. I used to journal. It did help then. Now I post my feelings and thoughts in my room to vent thread. I dont know, but somehow knowing that others that understand me, where I'm coming from, seeing those thoughts helps to lessen the isolation, the loneliness. And being able to help others from what I have experienced helps me too. PM me anytime if you need someone to vent to or even just a friendly chat.
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i understand the loneliness the night brings and with that the heavy thoughts, but you know you are stronger now, you have admitted as much.
    remember that the drink will only make things worse and remember your promise.

    but as always remember that you are never alone
  5. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member

    Know exactly what you mean, I used to have this all the time last year. Still most times now when I'm feeling lonely for no reason.

    My method of getting around it? Tv-links to be honest (Was a website that linked to streams of TV shows/documentaries) find some stuff you ain't watched in years (For me it was Super Mario Brothers, used to be HOOKED on it when I was 6-7, man I can't believe I'm admitting this - bang goes my streed cred forever :dry:) /new stuff that you have been meaning to watch and it made me feel better. That and PC gaming really, nothing else.

    I never really had many problems with drink, but it was more to the point I decided to stop not to get hooked on it but because I fear a loss in control. Last time I got very drunk I lay unconcsious on my friends bathroom floor and it took them 30minutes to get me to get up, all the time I was saying aloud what I was thinking I think it freaked them out somewhat.

    Chin up I guess is all I can say.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you both. It's morning now and the 3 year old is keeping me too busy to think about anything except him lol. But inside I'm already dreading another long lonely night. Yep, I know I'm feeling much stronger right now. And I pray that it will last. I actually love this feeling of wanting to see what's around the next corner. But I have to be realistic too. My bi polar has much more control over my moods than I do. So guess it's time for me to revisit my childhood too and maybe see how ole donkey kong has faired over the years!! lol. Again thanks and hope that you are both surviving the nights.
  7. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member

    My nights are traumatic at best, usually dream of death most nights, although some say this is a good thing, had a really vivid dream reciently was hitting the wall for some reason so hard I almost fell out of my bed. Thankfully there was no-one in the next room at 4AM :p best website ever :p
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