Hi everyone.. Im new here and I dont really know where to start.. im 19 and left care after being in it for 1 year after leaving home due to physical abuse and emotional freaking torture from my family and mom and I just had to leave. Now 2/3 years on EVERYTHING is coming back.. I feel numb and angry and empty at the same time, i cant control my emotions or thoughts and I have no trust in anyone even though I have a boyfriend who tries his best and my previous carers. i have had bouts of feeling so low and wanting to kill myself all my life, but since ive left home for some reason its gotten worse, being alone and trying to keep ontop of bills and college and exams is making everything seem overwhelming. I felt when i was being abused and beaten up I constantly had this mask and everyone from college and school never suspected anything and thats my identity, im a fake and i dont really have one, all ive done all my life is be happy and cheerful in front of people to hide how i was feeling.. now i dont know how to act or what to do. some days ill just sit and stare at a wall for hours and some days ill take walks out in the middle of the night just to feel alive. im so confused about everything and everyone, i dont know if my emotions are real or if im just making them up or if my mom even did anything that bad to me i cant remember a single specific thing, all i know is when i try i panic.... i know this is long but i dont know what else to do, for the past year ive been constantly down and suicidal everyday, my doctor gave me meds for anaemia and vitamin d but i still feel bad and i cant approach him about this stuff because hes not very approachable at all... im just scared.. i feel like i have no family and no true friends and my boyfriend is mad for staying with me when most days i cant even get up to wash the dishes or have a shower..