Hello,
I could've sworn I posted here in the past and it helped me from not killing myself, but it's back again. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for months now and been picturing me doing it. The thoughts have been getting stronger lately to where I force myself to sleep to stop them. I am thinking maybe <mod edit - time line> but I just do not know how. This time of year was when I came forward with my sexual abuse I was experiencing from my family member since I was little until I was 13 years old, my family breaking apart, and family members dying all at once. Me admitting to my sexual abuse literally caused a tidal wave of unfortunate events to happen. I had more than half of my family stick with my abuser and less by my side. I was blamed for my grandmother's and my abuser's death and they died three weeks apart from each other. I was called a murderer by my own mother who knew about the abuse and did nothing. My father helped me, but now he doesn't even talk to me much(I am 25 now.).
I have no support system. None. My husband doesn't wish to support me. He informed me of that. My family lives in the states while I live in a whole other country, to be with my husband. I am a horrible wife. I am unmedicated and having no treatment plan so all I do is sleep and hate being awake due to having no support system. My husband has let me know that I am pathetic and when I tell him I just need support with my depression, he lets me know that is not going to happen. I think it's just my time.
I have no one. I am so alone. I just want it done and over with. I do not take care of my health and only visit hospitals if the pain gets too bad to at least stop the pain, not actually remove what is wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me internally due to blood in my stool and the fact that every time I eat, I feel like I need to puke and if I lay on a certain side, my stomach feels like pins and needles are hitting in the inside along with having these odd pains in my head repeatedly, especially with family history with brain tumors. I just do not wish to help myself. I am just ready now. I am completely ready for this to happen. I just do not know how to do it and not given many options with how I should do it.
I could've sworn I posted here in the past and it helped me from not killing myself, but it's back again. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for months now and been picturing me doing it. The thoughts have been getting stronger lately to where I force myself to sleep to stop them. I am thinking maybe <mod edit - time line> but I just do not know how. This time of year was when I came forward with my sexual abuse I was experiencing from my family member since I was little until I was 13 years old, my family breaking apart, and family members dying all at once. Me admitting to my sexual abuse literally caused a tidal wave of unfortunate events to happen. I had more than half of my family stick with my abuser and less by my side. I was blamed for my grandmother's and my abuser's death and they died three weeks apart from each other. I was called a murderer by my own mother who knew about the abuse and did nothing. My father helped me, but now he doesn't even talk to me much(I am 25 now.).
I have no support system. None. My husband doesn't wish to support me. He informed me of that. My family lives in the states while I live in a whole other country, to be with my husband. I am a horrible wife. I am unmedicated and having no treatment plan so all I do is sleep and hate being awake due to having no support system. My husband has let me know that I am pathetic and when I tell him I just need support with my depression, he lets me know that is not going to happen. I think it's just my time.
I have no one. I am so alone. I just want it done and over with. I do not take care of my health and only visit hospitals if the pain gets too bad to at least stop the pain, not actually remove what is wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me internally due to blood in my stool and the fact that every time I eat, I feel like I need to puke and if I lay on a certain side, my stomach feels like pins and needles are hitting in the inside along with having these odd pains in my head repeatedly, especially with family history with brain tumors. I just do not wish to help myself. I am just ready now. I am completely ready for this to happen. I just do not know how to do it and not given many options with how I should do it.
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