Alone.

[sgndnkdfbhdfo]

Hello,
I could've sworn I posted here in the past and it helped me from not killing myself, but it's back again. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for months now and been picturing me doing it. The thoughts have been getting stronger lately to where I force myself to sleep to stop them. I am thinking maybe <mod edit - time line> but I just do not know how. This time of year was when I came forward with my sexual abuse I was experiencing from my family member since I was little until I was 13 years old, my family breaking apart, and family members dying all at once. Me admitting to my sexual abuse literally caused a tidal wave of unfortunate events to happen. I had more than half of my family stick with my abuser and less by my side. I was blamed for my grandmother's and my abuser's death and they died three weeks apart from each other. I was called a murderer by my own mother who knew about the abuse and did nothing. My father helped me, but now he doesn't even talk to me much(I am 25 now.).
I have no support system. None. My husband doesn't wish to support me. He informed me of that. My family lives in the states while I live in a whole other country, to be with my husband. I am a horrible wife. I am unmedicated and having no treatment plan so all I do is sleep and hate being awake due to having no support system. My husband has let me know that I am pathetic and when I tell him I just need support with my depression, he lets me know that is not going to happen. I think it's just my time.
I have no one. I am so alone. I just want it done and over with. I do not take care of my health and only visit hospitals if the pain gets too bad to at least stop the pain, not actually remove what is wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me internally due to blood in my stool and the fact that every time I eat, I feel like I need to puke and if I lay on a certain side, my stomach feels like pins and needles are hitting in the inside along with having these odd pains in my head repeatedly, especially with family history with brain tumors. I just do not wish to help myself. I am just ready now. I am completely ready for this to happen. I just do not know how to do it and not given many options with how I should do it.

 

[1964dodge]

welcome to SF we are a peer community that cares but never judges. please look at the different forums and post when you feel comfortable or go to our chat section if you prefer real time. you are not alone you found us and we will be there for you.

first thing you need to do is see a doctor and find out what's wrong with you physically. also tell your doctor about your depression. your doctor may be able to prescribe meds that will help, and maybe therapy. this can be the beginning instead of the end. and please keep talking because we are listening and we do care about you...mike....

 

[GMody]

You sure have got a rough deal from your family members and your husband. You have depression and should see a psychiatrist who will prescribe effective meds. Blood in stool is serious. You need to see a gasterentrolist for this. He will perform test to find out the reason. Therapy is a must. Find out a good therapist. Why is your husband not supporting you? That is not right. Start getting your physical and mental health in order.

 

[GMody]

No need to commit suicide. Hugs.

 

[Walker]

Hi and welcome back to SF. I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad again. You said your family lives in the States and you live somewhere else but they don't sound like a stellar support system. Do you think you would be happier back in the States even though your family isn't really better than your husband? What do *you* want right now? It sounds like you feel like your only option is just to sit and wait for.. what? You are the one controlling your life and you're quite young to just be saying "screw it". You aren't bound to stay with your husband, you're not bound to stay in the country you're in, you're not bound to go to the US, you're not stuck with any of this but you do have to make choices and stick with them and not just choose to sleep all day. What is it that YOU want?

 

[JDot]

Hey @sgndnkdfbhdfo I hate that your family treats you this way. You are not pathetic. You are in pain. And you need support. You'll always have a place here to share your pain. Pain shared is pain lessened. And you'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.

 

[lubriderm_celica]

Hello,
I could've sworn I posted here in the past and it helped me from not killing myself, but it's back again. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for months now and been picturing me doing it. The thoughts have been getting stronger lately to where I force myself to sleep to stop them. I am thinking maybe <mod edit - time line> but I just do not know how. This time of year was when I came forward with my sexual abuse I was experiencing from my family member since I was little until I was 13 years old, my family breaking apart, and family members dying all at once. Me admitting to my sexual abuse literally caused a tidal wave of unfortunate events to happen. I had more than half of my family stick with my abuser and less by my side. I was blamed for my grandmother's and my abuser's death and they died three weeks apart from each other. I was called a murderer by my own mother who knew about the abuse and did nothing. My father helped me, but now he doesn't even talk to me much(I am 25 now.).
I have no support system. None. My husband doesn't wish to support me. He informed me of that. My family lives in the states while I live in a whole other country, to be with my husband. I am a horrible wife. I am unmedicated and having no treatment plan so all I do is sleep and hate being awake due to having no support system. My husband has let me know that I am pathetic and when I tell him I just need support with my depression, he lets me know that is not going to happen. I think it's just my time.
I have no one. I am so alone. I just want it done and over with. I do not take care of my health and only visit hospitals if the pain gets too bad to at least stop the pain, not actually remove what is wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me internally due to blood in my stool and the fact that every time I eat, I feel like I need to puke and if I lay on a certain side, my stomach feels like pins and needles are hitting in the inside along with having these odd pains in my head repeatedly, especially with family history with brain tumors. I just do not wish to help myself. I am just ready now. I am completely ready for this to happen. I just do not know how to do it and not given many options with how I should do it.

I am sorry for what has happened. You do need some medical help and emotional/mental help. You can trust us on here and are always welcome to ask for help. You got this.

 

[Auri]

Hi @sgndnkdfbhdfo and welcome back to SF. I'm sorry for all the pain you've been through... It sounds like you wish to say goodbye to the past and to move on and start living, but something's holding you back from doing that. You know you don't have to stay in that place of depression and waiting, and that you can have better than this? I know it all feels overwhelming right now, especially if you're alone with all of it... but even the tiniest step that *you* can take to solve something matters. What about doing something today to make tomorrow a bit more bearable? I'd start by calling a doctor about your physical issues, just that. Can you do that? You'll feel better after doing it, I assure you. Every little thing like that will make you feel a tad better until you find you've made tons of progress. Sometimes it's not much because it feels too difficult, but anything you do matters in the long run, anything.