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ALONE

#1
I have been married 11 years and during those years I have attempted suicide 4 times and 2 of them left me in a coma which I was lucky to come out of because I was told I was lucky to be alive. Before, I hear the get professional help I want to say I have and have been in therapy consistently with the same therapist for over 3 years now and she is amazing. I had seen multiple therapists and doctors but never connected the way I have with my current therapist. I grew up in a physically and severely emotionally abusive home. My therapist and I came to the realization that my suicide attempts were connected to my childhood trauma that I actually allowed to continue the emotional abuse to continue until I actually cut my family off. Until recently I thought we had it all figured out and I was through with all the suicidal thoughts and attempts. Then on Xmas me and my husband got into an argument that was spiraling out of control so I decided to leave and go to a hotel because I will not have that around our child. While at the hotel I went to the gas station around 11 pm to get a coke and some snacks. To make a long story short a man followed me from the gas station assaulted and almost raped me but I got away. While at the hospital being treated for my injuries I call my husband and tell him what happened and he just says okay and hangs up on me. This was devastating what kind of husband hears about something like that happening to their wife and doesn’t rush to her side or even ask “are you okay?” and just hangs up on her. After being treated and going through everything with the police I go back to my hotel. The first thing I do is shower and then call my husband again. He doesn’t ask if I’m okay or if I need him to come get me or if I need to talk, he tells me it’s my fault it happened because if I hadn’t had gone to the hotel to begin with it wouldn’t have happened. I’m I believe justifiably upset and he just tells me how I ruined Xmas and everything is my fault and then for the first time in over 3 years the thought of suicide just smacks me in the face. I immediately tell my husband I’m having this thought and he just hangs up on me. It being Xmas and all I didn’t want to bother my therapist but once I had a handful of pills in my hand ready to swallow I picked up the phone and called her. We talked but I left out everything that my husband did, said or neglected to say I just told her we had an argument and she knows I won’t argue or fight around my son so she understood why I went to the hotel. We talk for hours and she tells me to go do something that will take my mind off of things, help me relax try to have a little fun and try to be happy I’m alive. I knew going home was not an option and would just cause me to honestly attempt taking my life or to finally succeed and I honestly wanted to live I had just fought a man to survive it didn’t make sense as to why I was feeling so suicidal. I sat and thought what can I do to have some fun that isn’t going out and getting hammered with friends and I came up with go hit a casino. This is something I haven’t done in 11 years because my husband didn’t like it and I became a mom so I just never went because my family came first and just didn’t have the time to drive 4 hours one way for a little fun. I check out of my hotel and I start driving about 2 hours into my drive my husband calls and I knew I shouldn’t have picked up but I did and I was on Bluetooth before what happens next gets blamed on me holding my phone and talking. He lays into me about everything being my fault and that of course I’m stupid for trying to go do something for myself. I’m just upset and crying but I can’t get off the road because I’m in the middle of nowhere and there’s also highway construction where it’s down to 2 lanes and on each side of me is concrete barricades. I’m crying so much I can’t see clearly anymore and I just end up hitting the concrete barricade on the drivers side of my truck and it scrapes the entire drivers side of my truck from front to back. My husband hangs up in anger so I call 911. I’m not injured but I can’t open my door due to the damage so I climb out the passenger side and wait for the police. The police show up and call an ambulance because they see my face which is starting to show bruises from the night before that I didn’t even realize were there and my stitches are bleeding above my eye where my attacker had stabbed me and apparently the ER doc did a horrible job and had not placed enough stitches for how deep and wide the actual would was ( this is all stuff I find out after the fact). I’m trying to tell the police I’m not injured from the accident that the injuries are from being assaulted but they just look at me like I’m crazy and make me go in the ambulance to the hospital. Anyway, it was just a disaster but it all got sorted out and I was released from the ER and sent on my way. I then call my husband and he says I know what happened the State Troopers called me and he just hung up on me. I decided to still go to the casino climbed in the passenger side to get in my truck and on I drove. When I finally make it to my destination it’s to late or early however you want to put it to pay for a hotel room for just a few hours so I go straight into the casino. Of course people are staring at me and some ask what happened to me and I told the truth and they would say how sorry they were ask if I was okay and I would respond I survived and I’m alive but I was crying and I wasn’t crying about the assault I was crying because strangers were showing me more compassion than my own husband and that I was happy I survived my attacker yet wanted to kill myself because I felt so alone because the person I love more than anything except my son was so cruel. I go hit a slot machine which was never my thing but I figured I’d be less visible than at a blackjack or craps table and I win $1800 with the first $35 I put into the thing. I’m so excited until I realize the attention a winning slot machine brings because of all the new looks and questions and I didn’t want pity. A good thing came from winning though I was immediately offered a free hotel room in the casino’s hotel. This is technically the early morning hours of 12/27 so I ask if I can have the room for the night of the 27th and they said I could have it then and for that night I was extremely happy. I go to the room thinking how badly I needed to sleep I’d been up for 2 days. I lay down and as exhausted as I am I absolutely could not sleep all I could think about was being attacked and how my husband was treating me. I got up showered and went to my truck and used Waze to find a Walmart to buy some clothes because I originally left home with a small bag and only 2 changes of clothes because I didn’t plan on staying gone any longer. I get to Walmart and it doesn’t open until 6 am and it is now 5 am so I find a Starbucks and then sit in the Walmart parking lot waiting for it to open and cry. I get clothes and makeup to try and look like I wasn’t beaten but there was no amount of makeup to hide what had happened so I decided I would just tell people I was in a car accident from then on when they asked. I had a pretty enjoyable day at the casino then at night going to my room was miserable because it reminded me of how alone I felt and I didn’t want to acknowledge it or the fact I was still having thoughts of suicide. I stayed at the casino and hotel for days and then New Year’s Day arrived and my husband called around 8 that morning And we just got into it big time I was yelling but using a firm voice which is normally pretty quite and it alerts security to come to my room because people in the adjoining room call in a noise complaint. I tell security there’s no issue that I was talking to my husband and that there was no screaming or yelling especially not with anybody else in the room as the people next-door had said that two people were fighting in the room next to them. I tell security that it’s actually unbelievable because the people in the adjoining room who left their six and eight-year-old alone all night to go gamble in the casino And who’s six and eight-year-old were constantly knocking and trying to open the adjoining room door which was to my room and laughing and giggling all night while left alone and I didn’t say a damn thing about is something they should be more worried about than me alone in my room on the phone having a discussion with my husband. Security then knocks on those people’s door and of course tells them what I said and those people just went crazy screaming and yelling and pounding on the wall to my room and on the adjoining room door. I leave while security is still dealing with them to go to Starbucks and get my morning frap. When I come back I go to my room and my key card doesn’t work so I go to the front desk. I tell them my key card isn’t working and security comes over and says we checked you out of your room already. As anyone would be I was extremely confused and pissed but I’m not the yelling screaming type of person call DC so I asked calmly what’s going on and they say that to my fight with you people in the adjoining room that I’ve been checked out of my room and I say first of all I am not due to check out until January 2 and I still need to shower. They were like no ma’am we can’t help you you need to take your things and go and I’m like do you mean you touch my belongings yes he did I know that is not right in any way. They can continue to tell me that I need to leave take my stuff and go or they’re gonna call the police I didn’t see any winning an argument with them so I take my stuff and I go to my truck and I start calling other hotels but it’s New Year’s Eve and there’s nothing available so I decide to go to a truckstop to shower as I have no place else to be or go or do you and I need to shower and I start going through my bag and my stuff was not packed especially my toiletries and my stuff out of the drawers in the hotel they just basically closed up my bags and brought them out so I start driving back to the casino/hotel. I get there go to the front desk and tell them I need my belongings and of course they call security and security tells me to leave or they will call the police this time I said let’s do please call the police. The police come talk to security talk to me and surprisingly the police actually listen to me and ask security first why I was checked out without my knowledge and second why my personal belongings were ever touched by them that they didn’t have the authority and that they could have escorted me up to my room to pack my stuff if they had any concerns. Security tried to tell them I had a fight with the couple and 2 small children in the adjoining room I said when and they replied this morning. I said absolutely not I never spoke a word to them you did and they went nuts yelling at me through the walls and pounding on the walls and door. Then they tried to say I had a fight with them the night before and I just said you have security cameras that cover pretty much every inch of this place don’t you and they said yes. I said then let’s see the security video of this and the cops agreed. Well surprise surprise there is no video of me ever having any contact with those people yet shows how they reacted when security knocked on their door. The hotel manager is then called because I want my room back but there’s a problem they already gave my room to someone else and it being New Year’s Eve of course they are fully booked. Here’s their compromise I can have the room until 1 pm but no later so I can get the rest of my stuff and shower then come back on the 1st for 2 more nights free of charge. I said whatever what choice do I have. I get my room key and the police go with me to make sure my belongings are still there and are untouched. We open the room walk in and everything is gone the bed had been stripped which meant maid service had already been there I just broke down in tears it had been the absolute worst week of my life. The cops are trying to console me when they hear someone trying to open the adjoining room door and then start knocking on it. They look at me and I said that’s what I dealt with all night so they go outside my room and knock on their door and nobody answers I said it’s 2 young kids and the parents left them alone all night to gamble and apparently have left them alone again and this is basically how all this shit started. We all then head back down to the front desk to let them know my stuff is gone and about what happened with the adjoining room door again and that the parents are not in the room and the kids won’t answer the door. I don’t know what happened with that family but the hotel said they weren’t responsible for my belongings but I could still come back on the 1st. I told them at this point to fuck off (even I have my limits) and they’d be hearing from an attorney. I got the cops who tried to help me names and badge numbers asked them to write up an incident report to have a record of what happened and what they saw on the security video to cover my ass and left. I spent New Year’s Eve in my truck freezing because it was in the 30’s that night and then got a hotel room the next day so I could get some rest and then came home on the 2nd. It wasn’t a happy welcome by my husband or even my son who has always been mommy’s boy which broke my heart so I took all the blame for everything and I apologized for what I’m still don’t know but I just couldn’t handle anymore stress, pain, hurt, etc or I was going to literally kill myself. I have spent until today trying to do everything right hoping to get something from, out of, an I love you just anything and I’ve gotten absolutely nothing. I was thinking about suicide again and then realized I may suffer from depression, I was basically raised in hell but am nothing like my parents or siblings I have a huge heart, I have a lot of empathy, sympathy and feel morally obligated to do the right thing when I see something wrong and that I’ve done nothing wrong in my marriage after 11 years I finally realized although my husband never laid a hand on me I’m in an abusive marriage the severe psychological abusive kind. I thought those suicide attempts were about my abusive blood related family but why had I never done it before I met my husband it’s not like we were kids when we met I was 33 and he was 34 and I had been in a 13 year relationship prior to him and never once thought about suicide. I realize I lied and covered for him with my therapist all these years to make him look like this wonderful supportive husband. Now having this realization I thought would make me not want to hurt myself but it’s the opposite. I feel lower than ever, my self esteem is shot and how could I love someone so much that emotionally withholds, criticizes everything I do or say, blames me for everything never apologizes for anything because it’s all my fault, there’s so much more also the first time I told him I wanted to kill myself he just walked away from me and went to work and I took off so nobody could find me and called a friend and told her what I was about to do and she immediately called my husband who didn’t care he stayed at work so she called the police and everybody was out looking for me except my husband and when I was found I wasn’t breathing and my heart stopped 3 times while they were trying to save me at the hospital where I then was in a coma for 2 weeks all while my husband stayed at work that night because he works nights never came to the hospital then went home and went to sleep while my friends took care of our son. He never once came to see me while I was in a coma or after I woke up before I went into treatment and then when he had to bring me clothes to the treatment facility just to tell me I was a selfish bitch and all the same repeated each and every time I was suicidal or attempted suicide. It’s not only the suicide attempts it’s the scars on my body I have since meeting him from the self harm I’ve done trying to get some sort of loving response after he’s gaslit me. I just learned what gaslighting was by apparently entering some key words of the things he does to me and it brought up pages about gaslighting. He does all this and just walks away ignores me, goes to work or goes to sleep. How do I tell my therapist I’ve been lying to her and apparently myself for so long. How do I keep the thoughts of suicide out when I don’t want to die but sometimes I just react and try to kill myself after I’ve told someone 1-24 hours before I’m fine and wouldn’t really do it.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
welcome to SF @ARad9 we are a peer community that cares but never judges. please look around at the different forums or go to chat if you prefer real time.

as for your husband have you considered asking him to go to marriage counseling. he sounds very self centered and not very compassionate. and as for your therapist tell her the truth. that's the only way you can get better. i hope things work out for you.

mike...*hug*shake
 

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