(Sorry for my bad english, it's not my native language.) Some people would say that life is all about the choices you make and some would say that as you grow older, you get fewer and fewer choices. I am only 23 years old which a lot of people would say is very young but it feels like I only have two choices: Will I go on living and hope that one day, maybe, I will become happy again, or will I end this torment right now? One of my old math teachers once told me that the worst thing he had ever seen was the victim of a car accident. The guy's head was lying on the seat next to him after something, whatever, had amputated it. When I took my driver's license, they had these information videos about how dangerous it is to drive when you're drunk, or drive on an icy road or too fast or whatever. If you crash into a tree or a lamppost, death is pretty much instantenous. One second you're a person and the other second you're dead. Between those moments there's probably a lot of pain but I can't imagine that it's anything compared to how the rest of my life most likely will look. Maybe it's a bit less painful to take a lethal dose of my arthritis medicine but I think it will take much longer. So there's my plan. A couple of years ago, I got arthritis. I also moved to a new town (losing most of the friends that I had) to study at the university but I quit about the time that I got too sick. I've done drugs and I'm not proud to say that I've been an alcoholic. I'm even less proud to admit that I've wasted nearly two years of my life on World of Warcraft. I've finally quit a couple of months ago (no more alcohol, no more drugs and no more WoW) only to discover that the life that I once had, well, it's gone. Now I don't have any friends left but honestly, I don't miss them and I don't want them back. If I had a nuclear device that I could detonate wherever I want, I'd blow up Blizzard Entertainment, because I know a lot of people, young people, old people, people like me, are throwing away their lives at that game. Check out www.wowdetox.com and then consider that the age-limit is twelve years. The people who keep pumping that digital heroin into people are the real parasites. I blame some of my misery on it but probably, I'm responsible for most of it. Before all those things happened, I had friends, I had a girlfriend who I loved very much (we were together for several years, it hurts just to think about it. I think she's the only one that I really miss), I was happy but I was stupid enough to take it for granted. And now, I'm an empty shell. The only thing nowadays that keeps my mind off my misery for a while is writing. I've always wanted to be a writer and I guess collecting disability is good in one way, I get enough time to finally write, I never had the time to do that before and now I suddenly find myself having too much time. This loneliness is eating me up, I don't think I can go on much longer. Maybe I won't do it. Maybe this is just a cry for help. Maybe I just want attention. I don't know what compels me to write this but right now, I'd rather not be anything than to feel like I do now. Normally I would never write something like this, I know it's pathetic and I'm trash and shit and that's exactly why I want to do it. Do you think it's possible for someone like me to find someone to love and trust again? Honestly I don't think so, and I'd rather die than to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. The solution is so simple yet so impossible. The appartment that I live in, it might aswell be empty. Maybe I've had my time. It was nice once and 23 is longer than a lot of people live. Some people walk on landmines and get blown to smithereens when they're 12. Some are diagnosed with leukemia when they're 15 and are told that they have maybe six months left to live. 23 is not bad.