Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Puli, Dec 12, 2007.

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  1. Puli

    Puli New Member

    (Sorry for my bad english, it's not my native language.)

    Some people would say that life is all about the choices you make and some would say that as you grow older, you get fewer and fewer choices.

    I am only 23 years old which a lot of people would say is very young but it feels like I only have two choices: Will I go on living and hope that one day, maybe, I will become happy again, or will I end this torment right now?

    One of my old math teachers once told me that the worst thing he had ever seen was the victim of a car accident. The guy's head was lying on the seat next to him after something, whatever, had amputated it.

    When I took my driver's license, they had these information videos about how dangerous it is to drive when you're drunk, or drive on an icy road or too fast or whatever. If you crash into a tree or a lamppost, death is pretty much instantenous.

    One second you're a person and the other second you're dead. Between those moments there's probably a lot of pain but I can't imagine that it's anything compared to how the rest of my life most likely will look. Maybe it's a bit less painful to take a lethal dose of my arthritis medicine but I think it will take much longer.

    So there's my plan.

    A couple of years ago, I got arthritis. I also moved to a new town (losing most of the friends that I had) to study at the university but I quit about the time that I got too sick. I've done drugs and I'm not proud to say that I've been an alcoholic. I'm even less proud to admit that I've wasted nearly two years of my life on World of Warcraft. I've finally quit a couple of months ago (no more alcohol, no more drugs and no more WoW) only to discover that the life that I once had, well, it's gone. Now I don't have any friends left but honestly, I don't miss them and I don't want them back.

    If I had a nuclear device that I could detonate wherever I want, I'd blow up Blizzard Entertainment, because I know a lot of people, young people, old people, people like me, are throwing away their lives at that game. Check out and then consider that the age-limit is twelve years. The people who keep pumping that digital heroin into people are the real parasites.

    I blame some of my misery on it but probably, I'm responsible for most of it.

    Before all those things happened, I had friends, I had a girlfriend who I loved very much (we were together for several years, it hurts just to think about it. I think she's the only one that I really miss), I was happy but I was stupid enough to take it for granted. And now, I'm an empty shell.

    The only thing nowadays that keeps my mind off my misery for a while is writing. I've always wanted to be a writer and I guess collecting disability is good in one way, I get enough time to finally write, I never had the time to do that before and now I suddenly find myself having too much time.

    This loneliness is eating me up, I don't think I can go on much longer. Maybe I won't do it. Maybe this is just a cry for help. Maybe I just want attention. I don't know what compels me to write this but right now, I'd rather not be anything than to feel like I do now. Normally I would never write something like this, I know it's pathetic and I'm trash and shit and that's exactly why I want to do it.

    Do you think it's possible for someone like me to find someone to love and trust again? Honestly I don't think so, and I'd rather die than to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. The solution is so simple yet so impossible. The appartment that I live in, it might aswell be empty.

    Maybe I've had my time. It was nice once and 23 is longer than a lot of people live. Some people walk on landmines and get blown to smithereens when they're 12. Some are diagnosed with leukemia when they're 15 and are told that they have maybe six months left to live. 23 is not bad.
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    First let me Welcome you to Sf

    From what I read, mostly negative thinking, I see no reason for you to go on thinking so low of yourself or about life and people.

    Of course people die younger but much more live up to their eighties (like me :) and have had a wonderful fulfilling life. Not the easiest but not the worse either. Things in life are like that....... ups and downs but both have their positive outcome.

    You asked if you can trust again.... of course you can and must. Who to trust is another issue. One must be wise in this and give trust slowly not to be deceived.

    Arthritis can be debilitating yet you are not crippled to the point of not being able to do things for yourself, even if difficult at times, nor does it stop you from using good judgement or your hands for writing so walk out the door once in a while and see what lays out there. It is not being confined in your apt. that you will meet the girl of your dreams.

    I am debilitated by chronic terminal illnesses and can still point my nose out so can you......... find something to involved yourself in the community and you will meet good people worth calling friends over time..... you wont meet anyone with this way of closing yourself in. You have so many good years to live, dont waste them hun

    good luck and if you need to talk you can contact me anytime on pm (private messaging)

  3. Puli

    Puli New Member


    Thanks for the warm words.

    I'm sorry to hear about your illness. Someone who doesn't embrace life should get it instead of someone like you.

    You are right, I won't meet anyone in here, but what do you mean when you say "walk out the door"? I don't know anyone here, I don't have a job to go, no school, nothing. I can't even go out and get wasted because I can't drink any alcohol while I'm taking this medicine. It feels like I am a prisoner in this box that I live in.

    Take care.
  4. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Yes. It's never too late, and you're still young.

    I never quite managed to understand how people do that. I always keep in touch with my friends until they can't stand my incessant emails anymore (which luckily hasn't happened yet) :D

    I don't blame you. A couple of my friends have... well, let's just say I don't hear from them all that much anymore :(

    Tried to get back in touch with her again?
  5. Puli

    Puli New Member

    I think anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

    You need to know that it's not their fault and sooner or later they will quit. When they do, they will need you in their lives.
    WoW starts out as something fun that you do when you're bored, just because it's more fun to see your level 6 warrior or whatever reach level 7, than it is to watch paint dry.

    Then you want your level 7 warrior to reach level 70 someday. So you make more time for it.

    13 days played time is pretty fast for reaching level 70. That's two weeks of your life. If you also count in sleep and work/school into that, it's probably more like a month.

    It doesn't end there though. Most players, they have more than one level 70 character. "Hardcore players" (in the WoW-community, hardcore players have a lot of respect) probably have more like 3 or 4 very well-geared 70s and a couple of alts.

    Once, I saw a screenshot of someone who had more than 300 days played, on one character.

    And then, when you're level 70, you'll want better items for your character than the ones you have now, because just-dinged-70-gear is pretty bad.

    And then you want your flying mount and you want epic items and you want..............

    If you play a warlock, there's a spell called Drain Life. Well, the game starts casting that spell on you the second you log in, slowly but surely sucking your soul out one inch at a time.
    It makes me think of vampires.

    But sooner or later they will quit and then they will notice that, what the hell, where did my life go? INTO THE SCREEN?!?! And all you have left is your characters and their gear and their flying mounts and their instance attunements and faction reputation and whatever.

    In my worst period, I didn't make to do-lists of things that I was going to do in real life. I made to do-lists for my characters in WoW. I'd never admit that if I wasn't incognito here. My appartment, it took more than a week to clean it up. For two years, I just let everything fall apart. I'd vacuum clean once every three months.

    It's like an addiction but it's not an addiction in the same was as you get addicted to heroin. Heroin just feels good and that's it. WoW makes you replace your life with the life that you have inside the game (and you refuse to admit it to anyone, not even yourself, before it's too late). That makes it worse than heroin. And then those friends will need you more than anything else.

    Don't throw away their phone numbers just yet. :)

    Ok, that was too long, I'm sorry. But it can be long if it makes a good point, right?

    Oh oh oh, I almost forgot the best part. When you buy the game, you get 10 day free cards (not entirely unlike free samples of heroin) that you can give to your friends (to get them addicted). I'm not making this up.

    I think her new boyfriend, with whom she cheated on me, would have some objections. Even if they've broken up by now, I could never trust her again.

    I still love her though. :( Her hair, her smile, how she'd always hit me so I woke up when I was snoring, even how totally annoying she could be sometimes.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2007
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