Not really sure where this should go feel free to move or delete as you wish. I have been working my ass off with a full time job, and still fel like I m nothing. I see so much as a waste of time and feel like I am saving money not for schooling or "the future" but to cover my pets and any funeral expenses. MY mum knows I suffer with severe depression, sometimes self harm and think about suicide.. yet she doesn't get HOW much I think and plan for it. I feel like "life" is just a list of To Do's you constantly work to complete and as soon as you check them off you die or are to old to know better. I don't want this. I want to feel numb, not constantly have to fight back tears over what appears to be nothing and act as if i'm alright. My coworkers have no idea other than I'm quiet, I often wonder what they'd think if I killed myself. Would they call me stupid? selfish? laugh? cry? I used to come on SF and atleast be able to get some sort of distraction at he very least. When I needed to I could talk about what was going on in my head and felt accepted. Now when I need the help, or someone to just be there I still feel alone. I don't feel like I can chat with ANYONE and it's killing me. There are a lot of amazing and talented people here and I really wish I could make those nice connections I see so many of you have. I go into chat hoping to not feel so alone and I find myself getting a little worse because everyone is so cheery, seemingly happy, and friendly. Here I am just watching waiting to feel like part of the room and I never do. I'm tired. Tired of everything I feel and am unable to feel. I need to just get some courage and stop thinking about it so hard.