I wish I wasn't so alone tonight. And I wish I won't have to be alone tomorrow. Training numbs my feelings and my brain, it gives that state of half-nirvana when I don't feel pain anymore. I wanted to go out in the pinewood to train so to numb my brain the best I can. Instead they asked if I can dogsit...yes...I said yes just and only because of my dog, just because if I go out she'll have to be placed outside and it's cold and she doesn't like to be alone outside. So I said ok. I'll dogsit only because of her. But I don't want to be at home alone, feel alone, remember I don't get a hug since...how much is it now? 4 years more or less. Remember how shallow it is to roll in bed alone hugging yourself because it's just the only thing you have left. That's why I wish tomorrow I won't have to be home, I need to numb my brain, cut away the world. Sometimes I think I'm gone.