Already dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dying_inside, Jun 8, 2011.

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  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    I'm writing here hoping to feel alive, because inside i feel already dead.

    i dont feel anything when my mom cries while talking to me trying to make me feel better and think that life is worth living.

    i dont feel anything when i think about my life. my loneliness, my emptiness, my hopelessness.

    i dont feel anything when i think about my death.

    i'm already dead inside so maybe thats why i dont feel anything anymore and physical death can wait. i keep thinking about suicide but in a way, i already have that numbness i wanted to get through death.

    my life is so worthless.
     
  2. distress

    distress Well-Known Member

    Your life is not worthless and by the sounds of it your mom cares about you. Keep posting and tell us more. Every life is worth living no matter how bad it looks it may get better. And you are not dead inside because that is why you are on here. You care enough to find hope, an answer and some light and that is all you need to start healing.
    Keep safe and i hope you find comfort in this time of need :hug:
     
  3. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you Distress.

    yes, my mom loves me and cares about me but I hate living.

    i hate living like this, but i dont know any better.

    i hate myself, i hate life. and i hate having hope.

    cant stop thinking of suicide.
     
  4. distress

    distress Well-Known Member

    Have you tried doctors theropy or medication?
    They take time to find the right ones but they work. Im really proud of you that you have reached out, it takes alot. I understand where you are coming from but there is always a better way and its sometimes difficult to see.
    PM me anytime and keep posting
     
  5. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Distress,
    i currently am under meds and im seeing both a therapist and a doctor. im going to see my T in a couple of hours. and the doc tomorrow.

    the point is i dont know how to express myself, how to ask for help or what i need, because i dont even know what i'd need to feel better.

    i dont think anyone or anything can help me.

    and i dont see how i could go on living like this. i know i'll have to try to end it all again sooner or later.

    meanwhile im doing my best to keep myself alive and find a way that would allow me to stay alive and live, not just survive. im doing my best but it doesnt seem to be enough.

    im feeling so tired, hopeless and disappointed. feel like giving up.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi your meds may need changing then if they are not working let your doctor know okay. Your life line is your mother because you do not want to leave her with endless years of sadness and pain. I know it is hard but hold onto her love okay Use whatever supports you can until you do start feeling stronger
    Depression is a cycle if you are at the lowest point now you have only one way to go now that is up okay. Pm me anytime hugs to you
     
  7. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Im just back from the therapy session and i feel like cutting, i dont know why.

    He said that my being numb is a defensive mechanism not to feel too much, to not be overwhelmed by my own feelings. i agree but i hate being numb like this.

    He also said that feeling alive and LIVING is going to take some time. that im just beginning to see and learn i can actually live, switching from survival mode to living mode. so it's just "wait and see"?

    im feeling so alone in this battle.
    and tired. with not much faith i'll come out of it.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    ..but you're not alone in this battle. You are reaching out for support here, your mom supports you and your therapist is helping you to feel alive again. You will get there, I believe, :hug: sorry I can't be of more help.
     
  9. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you Total Eclipse and Inmemoryofyou.

    I so often think of my hospitalization of 1 month ago and feel like going back even though it was just the most boring days of my life.

    but it meant that i was not able to stay in the word and live on my own and this acknowledgement made me feel good. it proved that my pain is not only in my head, that it is real.

    at the moment i dont have any friend, job and i have given up studying.

    i spend every day, all day in bed and on the pc. i have isolated myself and sometimes i can feel the pain of the endless loneliness i've put myself in but most of the time i dont feel anything. i just keep thinking of freeing myself from everything and end it all.

    i am wasting my life and i dont deserve it.

    how can i make myself worth living? how do i start living?
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i too feel nothing so i understand but isolating you will only push yourself deeper into darkness. YOu take one small step okay to start with You get outside do not stay in your house all day. Even if it is to get a coffee get back in touch with the living okay. You talk to the coucillor at your school and get help there as they will help you. Talk withyour doctor tell him or her that meds are not working you need a change okay Doing nothing will only allow yourself to deteriorate Hospital stay it could help in that you won't be isolated anymore so maybe a short stay will be all it takes to get you going again. small steps okay do one thing for you today hugs
     
  11. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Total Eclipse,

    i dont have the energy to get out or do anything. i dont have friends, nobody to get out or talk with... no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to live.

    today i've seen the doc after 3 weeks and all i got from the session is the guilty feeling for not having been able to continue giving private lessons to a boy. she made sure i knew i didnt behave "correctly" with him. i did the best i could and never felt guilty before she pointed it out. she got me feeling so bad. im really that selfish?

    other that that, i didnt know what to talk about and just gave her short answers to her questions. but we never really get to talk about how im feeling or whats going on in my head. i dont know how to express myself.

    i feel so alone trapped in my head. no hope, no real connection with anyone...

    thank you for listening.
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your doctor has not right to make you feel guilty You are not well enough to look after you let alone someone else. You cannot express to her you thoughts the print off what you wrote here or email it to her. Time to talk about YOU and do get you help. If this therapist doctor not listening i hope you find someone that will listen that will see and care hun You deserve compassion not guilt trips hugs to you
     
  13. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Your life is not worthless and by the sounds of it your mom cares about you. Keep posting and tell us more. Every life is worth living no matter how bad it looks it may get better. And you are not dead inside because that is why you are on here. You care enough to find hope, an answer and some light and that is all you need to start healing.
     
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think your therapist caught what you were saying.. It takes time to build that trust between you.. I saw mine for five years..I quit going almost a year ago and have decided to go back..Thats if she will have me..They will teach you coping skills and cognitive distortions..Give it a year and then see if you still feel the same way tell her/him that your not improving..
     
  15. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    im feeling so low today, so alone and hopeless.

    im going to overdose a bit, just to get through the day.
     
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