Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jay11x, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. Jay11x

    Jay11x Member

    So I'm gonna tell you a story.

    In my mind there is a lot going on, there is a lot that I'm fighting, I'm fighting demons at the moment, there names are Suicide, Depression, Low Self Esteem, and many more. Recently I was discharged from the army medically because of injuries that I couldn't control, the army was my life, all I wanted to do was serve, to protect people but that couldn't be, coming home was the worst, I didn't want to be home and I still don't, seeing faces that I don't want to see, having emotions bringing brought back that I don't want to be brought back and at this moment I hate it. Putting on a fake smile is becoming more harder everyday, I've grown weary of talking to others and I fancy just being by myself. I don't talk to people let alone have any social media accounts, the total contacts I have in my phone is less than 10 and there all relatives, I don't have any friends that I hangout with being the last time I went out with a friend was a year ago to the day. It's hard to cope with life, sometimes it's almost like I'm in this fight alone, right now I have chose to refuse my surgery in spite of my conditions to train myself back up for the army coming next year, I can't remember the last time I smiled out of joy and happiness. I know that people crave attention when down and depressed but to be honest I don't crave attention, I don't crave pity, I don't crazy empathy and sympathy for anything, everything happen to me for a reason, I may not know the reason but nevertheless it happened. It's like someone just shot me in my heart with all of these problems, all of this agony, my getaway is pills, there almost like a meal that I take everyday and if I don't get them I go into my withdrawal symptoms. I don't normally say this but it's hard, it's really hard at this moment to keep pushing through all of this pain, I freaking hate it but I push and I push. Everyone says it's gonna be okay but when does it get okay? Everyone would expect a person who is formally military, a wrestler, and a person who also talks to people with depression and suicide that he would be the ultimate fighter and be able to fight through it but in reality it's all wrong,it's all wrong.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I am sorry that injuries are keeping you at home.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Jay, it sounds like you're facing a tough situation, I know those demons well and they can be overwhelming. I also live with chronic pain from past injuries and was on pain pills for 7yrs, that's what eventually beat me into submission. I started using them for more the physical pain and was using them to feed the demons. I quit almost 5weeks ago through Detox, that's was hell and a real wake up call, took all my false pride and left me a lot more humble that I was defeated by little white pill. I just wanted to let you know I believe I can relate to your situation somewhat and I hope you can get help excorsizing those demons, you may need help with the pain pills too, I'm not saying you're addicted but be careful, their power is very subtle. Take care and thank you for your service