So I'm gonna tell you a story. In my mind there is a lot going on, there is a lot that I'm fighting, I'm fighting demons at the moment, there names are Suicide, Depression, Low Self Esteem, and many more. Recently I was discharged from the army medically because of injuries that I couldn't control, the army was my life, all I wanted to do was serve, to protect people but that couldn't be, coming home was the worst, I didn't want to be home and I still don't, seeing faces that I don't want to see, having emotions bringing brought back that I don't want to be brought back and at this moment I hate it. Putting on a fake smile is becoming more harder everyday, I've grown weary of talking to others and I fancy just being by myself. I don't talk to people let alone have any social media accounts, the total contacts I have in my phone is less than 10 and there all relatives, I don't have any friends that I hangout with being the last time I went out with a friend was a year ago to the day. It's hard to cope with life, sometimes it's almost like I'm in this fight alone, right now I have chose to refuse my surgery in spite of my conditions to train myself back up for the army coming next year, I can't remember the last time I smiled out of joy and happiness. I know that people crave attention when down and depressed but to be honest I don't crave attention, I don't crave pity, I don't crazy empathy and sympathy for anything, everything happen to me for a reason, I may not know the reason but nevertheless it happened. It's like someone just shot me in my heart with all of these problems, all of this agony, my getaway is pills, there almost like a meal that I take everyday and if I don't get them I go into my withdrawal symptoms. I don't normally say this but it's hard, it's really hard at this moment to keep pushing through all of this pain, I freaking hate it but I push and I push. Everyone says it's gonna be okay but when does it get okay? Everyone would expect a person who is formally military, a wrestler, and a person who also talks to people with depression and suicide that he would be the ultimate fighter and be able to fight through it but in reality it's all wrong,it's all wrong.