Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by SweetSurrender, Jan 19, 2008.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member


    So i've had severe depression for a good few years. All good fun i'm sure you'll agree :rolleyes: i have had some psychotic epsiodes but not drastic ones, mainly being disocciative etc, and a few other delusions...which i won't tell you about. :unsure:

    Anyway, when i was 17yrs i hated who i was, i was shy in some social situations, i didn't believe i was anything, felt i was ugly - the usual low self-esteem culprits so i made up an alter-ego and named her. It isn't as odd as you think, well prehaps it is :laugh: i went out bought 'her' new clothes, new makeup, and used to go out to these social situations as 'her'. It was a good coping plan, 'fake it till you make it' kinda stuff. And it worked in many ways. I have increased masses in confidence since then, i like who i am now. But i still have depression and so i still use 'her' to get through situations. The only problem is that until the other day i didn't actually realise i was doing this, it is not conscious anymore. It is bizarre i will psyche myself up but when i get to that situation it's easy, i feel happy, i laugh, i make jokes etc but if i walk away to get a drink or anything then whoosh i start to think 'wow i'm so down - what is this about!?', - it is as though i'm not being me anymore!
    This has led me to not knowing who the hell i am. Nor know if i am genuinely happy or not during these times because i never feel fully connected to these emotions. It is like watching myself be on auto-pilot as 'her'.
    But it doesn't really end there...i have always had this black mass sitting on the right side of me, another part of me outside my body...but recently i've decided i need to make myself whole so i've been thinking about this mass too and now it has actually become another 'person' with a name. She is now sitting usually at my left side of me, tucked away. Since connecting with 'her' i've felt really sorry for 'her' but the other day when i was doing my thinking (i think a lot!!) and was 'talking' to her and asking her questions - i let her come to the front and she was very angry. :eek:hmy:
    Now i can't be sure if i created her. I think i did...but it is difficult to tell. So i have 2 other 'people' in my brain. I never feel lonely now. They don't talk to me unless i ask them too and usually it is just me realising, i don't exactly hear words but i think in some situations they do take over. I always know what is happening, i just cannot understand why i say somethings, act certain ways at i get very confused about who i am.

    So anyway after this long post - does anyone else have alter-egos? If so how did they appear? How does it make you feel? See, except feeling in 3 parts this is not a massive issue for me, i still cope very well and if anything i've become very attached to them both, i'm never really lonely :wink: But i don't want to go on like this for years and years! Anyone have any thoughts though. I'm open. Please reply :biggrin:
  2. AnActress

    AnActress Guest

    I'm glad you posted this here so I could respond anonymously. I'm an actress mostly in local independent projects. Anyway the reason i am telling you this is because I used to suffer from depression and social anxiety and I did what you did. Only I started it with my acting because that's a part of the public life you have to show and you have to socialize and get out there. So what i realized is that although it started as me acting this much more secure character it did heal me in many aspects. I no longer have the same level of social phobia that I did before. Yes i am still quiet and shy at times but I can easily tap into that part of me.

    Now let me tell you a bit about acting. Yes actors are professional liars as my agent likes to joke about. but in order to act you have to get in touch with the real emotions within you. So the emotions you pulls up can be very real indeed and if you can push past the negative and find those hidden positive you may think you are a different person but it's simply that you've found a different part of yourself.

    I suppose this can be both good and bad. It's good if it helps you but not good if you are shutting off parts of yourself you feel are important to your true identity. We all have conflicting sides to ourselves. We are not robots who do one programed thing and it really just depends on which side we tap into. This is why really good people can play a really bad character.

    I guess in my view the important thing here is do you have control over it? If not then that might not be a good thing but if you are just tapping into it by choice then congratulations, you might end up being a good actor with some training. :)
  3. AnActress

    AnActress Guest

    Oh and also the one down side is being an actor requires a thick skin because you get turned down a lot and get a lot of criticism.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    This sounds to me like you may have a spirit attached to you. I'm into paranormal research, and from what I've read, it sounds like 'the black mass' that you mentioned could be a human spirit. It's possible that 'she' could be your alter ego which you created, but it's also possible that it's a spirit that has attached herself to you. I wouldn't worry about that unless they are telling you to hurt yourself or making you do things that you don't want to do.

    When you say that you cannot understand why you say things or act in certain ways, this really concerns me. Spirits can cause us to do things we would not normally do, especially if they are malicious spirits. Be careful.
  5. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Hello! :smile: I like your post. I wouldn't say I have alter egos. But I think people are complicated and what you're doing is a way of coping with things and completely fine and very interesting. I think people do put on a front to get through certain social interactions anyway- but you were consciously maybe stepping back and knowing you're creating a self for others through buying 'her' clothes etc. Now that this 'her' is taking over, perhaps you might need to talk to a therapist if want to keep 'her' at a safe distance?

    I do like to play act/play around with clothes sometimes and see how people react to me, or sometimes split off and comfort myself, and it's very natural a lot of the time. I suppose it's a way of getting in touch with things in a safe way, I couldn't go out saying I want to murder lots of people but when I feel huge huge boiling rage, I channel my energy through acting everything out in a safe way a lot.

    I understand what you mean about not knowing who you are. At times when I'm floating way out of my body or very depressed I'd be completely numb and would want to connect to something deep within me and I'd just feel frustrated with not connecting to that part..

    As for how all this appears- do you know how children make believe friends and can day dream? When someone's consciousness can't take a lot of information- it sections off things to deal with it later. Maybe the parts that help you, (the mass next to you) are creative ways your unconscious has just managed to deal with feelings to help you get through everyday life...

    As for your confusion as to who you "are", I sometimes feel the same way. I just have come to the conclusion I'm very complicated and I don't think I'll ever be pinned down to one thing to who I ''am''

    Do you see a therapist? I found they can be helpful in working with what you're experiencing so you can feel perhaps less confused, it can be quite fun!
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008
  6. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    :blink: I thought I was the only one that did that! :laugh: Guess I'm not as original as I thought.
    They appeared much the same way as yours seem to have. And it certainly does help one feel less lonely and get multiple opinions on a situation.
    I sort of tapered off after awhile though without realizing it. It seemed that once I began to stop feeling depressed, they started to go away. :rolleyes:
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