alternate endings - reflections of a life squandered

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Null, Jan 31, 2012.

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  1. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    I'm at work today, started thinking and crying again.

    I'm not sure, but I'm starting to believe that I was just not built for "life".

    To be honest I feel like I have no purpose what so ever. I know purpose has to be found so that one can be happy, but honestly I can not find mine. I do not feel like I will ever succeed in anything. I can't love or feel love properly, I will never have a family, I will not find true friendship, I do not seem to have any passion. Does that make me inhuman? To a certain extent I would argue it does. The fact I'm here complaining about these problems is further empirical evidence pointing to a overwhelming conclusion. I am broken, I cannot be fixed.

    When I was a child (around 16) everyone would say that you grow out of it, and things get better. Yet, I didn't grow out of it. I feel betrayed. These feelings of worthlessness/self hate/misery/anger/rejection/sadness are continually festering inside. Every year it continues to grow, consuming what is left of my life.

    It feels like my only "job" right now is to continue to perpetuate a false sense normality to those around me. Go to work, go home, eat, breath, digest, smile, repeat the phrases "No, I'm fine, just tired", "life is great", "No, I am not crying, my allergies are acting up" and "I'm hanging in there, things are going well". I place is to lie to those around me for the benefit of others. Sometimes I am unaware when I do it.

    I feel like I was supposed to to have done something else and I missed my opportunity. I feel like I was supposed to die at some point but some how it didn't happen. Maybe in another time or place I would have died by now, maybe fodder for war or meat shield? I feel like the true tragedy of my life is the unfortunate continuation of existence. I'm not sure I want to kill myself. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say though. Maybe I'm just regretting my conception. I don't want to be here anymore, I wish to be expunged. Perhaps this is just "feeling old"? Maybe it reasonable to feel this way?

    Thank you for reading the ramblings of a random poorly educated inhuman soul.

    I know I'm not alone. Please speak up if you feel the same or if you feel different!! I would very much appreciate comments or your stories!
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I feel pretty much the same--like it's all over for me. I missed the boat on everything.
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm sorry that you feel this way but I can relate to how you are feeling. I feel like no one will truly care about me, that they are just saying things to appease me. I always tell people I'm fine when I'm not. I only say that because they don't want to hear how I'm truly feeling or deal with any of my emotions. I feel that suicide is the only answer for me, but I don't think you should kill yourself. Please don't give up just yet :hug:
  4. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    WOW, I fail! I guess i was too emotional to be on the internet at the time. I've noticed numerous errors in my initial offering. Anyways thanks for the support guys. Its hopeless.
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I am more prone to think my end will be by suicide also. Once my finances are in order (debt's paid off), I will go up to the bellboy, dismiss him, and check out.
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