Alternative to dying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by July, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. July

    July New Member

    For most of my life I have dealt with periods of suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with bipolar I and that diagnosis brought medication which has certainly helped. However, medication and therapy can only do so much & sadly life keeps throwing tragedies, deaths and hurdles of all kinds that make managing it incredibly difficult.

    Now, I'm at a point where I don't know if I can keep doing it. I try so incredibly hard. I attained my dream job, got fired from my dream job after a manic episode. Found another dream job that I'm also struggling to keep.

    I was very poor when I was younger but I worked and worked and managed to make enough to get by. But life won't seem to let me have a moment to enjoy any of that. A decade of hospitalizations, medical bills, a couple car accidents, unemployment & admittedly an inability to manage money very well --- here I am.

    About to get evicted. Called out sick because I can't put enoug gas in my car to get to work. Can't pay any of my bills. To nervous to check mail so I'm sure my car is about to get repossessed. Collection calls every five seconds. I survive on $50 boxes of Mac n cheese and maybe a $1 slice of gas station pizza. But I have to wear a suit every day to work & smile and make a variety of excuses as to why i can never do anything after work.

    How can you have a high powered job and be so poor? It's simple. I have no family and have never had a support system. And I'm sick, might not be able to tell from the outside but I'm sick.

    I'm so alone. I inevitably ruin every romantic relationship I attempt. Despite saying over and over again "this time will be different, just don't act crazy."

    I have friends - but I've also lost all close ones. Some my fault, some not. The ones that remain, I've learned it's best to keep a certain distance. It's funny how mental illness will change someone's perception of you.

    I always think -- most people who know me would be shocked if I committed suicide. I appear so happy. I've mastered that.

    So after all that... The question is... What's the alternative? I've exhausted just about every resource out there to get some emergency cash with no success. Pay day loans are illegal in my state and my credit is terrible. I cant keep calling out of work because I can't afford gas until payday. I also can't keep rationing food... But honestly I have more than a week to go and not enough. And well co pays for meds aren't too much but even $10 is more than I have.

    I make too much for public assistance. Again, got my dream job back. Do I quit and give up on all the hard work that went into o,getting there? And then what? I do what?

    The answer that keeps popping up is ... Give up. You've been living in this hell for long enough. You tried. There were good moments. But this is bad, you can't even feed yourself. People around you are building lives a families and going on vacations, celebrating milestones. Im just trying to figure out a way to eat a complete meal.

    If my mom were alive, I feel like even though I didn't know her I could ask her "what do I do?" and maybe some soothing advice would come. It seems that's what parents or family does. At least that's what I've seen second hand.

    But I don't have that. So I'll ask you guys, what do I do?
     
  2. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Ask human resources for an advance. They should be able to do that for you.
     
  3. July

    July New Member

    Thank you
     
  4. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    You're welcome.
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You can survive but you have to adapt to the situation. You need to remain dignified as after all you are a human being. Have asked been to social services or volunteer groups and as for advice. You can look up hostels but be weary as people you seem a well mannered person you will be a target for them in terms of stealing from you. I sorry for being realistic but you can survive but you have to dig deep to survive.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are many charities besides government. Talk to some local churches about the situation for emergency cash for gas , and talk to food pantry if are in US every even small town has food pantries pretty readily available. If you call 211 (social service directory operator) explain to them your needs and they wil give you a list of charities and services available in your area. Sell something on craigs list to get $20 in gas money real fast so you don't lose your job. While on with the social services place, ask about budgeting help and - if you need i- get an appointed person to help manage your money for times when you are manic to prevent issues from reoccurring. It does suck to have to consider some of these things , but it will prevent dealing with the aftermath and it is the aftermath that actually is causing the issues.....