Always a target for abusers and toxic people

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#1
Like the title says, I always have been, everywhere I go. At work, and in relationships. I am probably "too nice" and that's what makes people think they can walk all over me and bully me? Or I am too easy going? I come across as friendly and nice to everyone I meet..... I AM very easy going, and easy to get along with. I also am a people pleaser, and like to see everyone happy. Maybe that's my problem? Too people pleasing? Too accommodating? I wish I was more selfish and bitchy, to be honest. Some women have that bitch factor, and abusers and toxic people stay away. I don't have that characterstic. My bitchy side only comes out when someone disrespects me in a big way or when someone pushes me too far, and then I reach my limit and push back.

I just wish I knew what it was/is about me that attracts these types ALL the time? I have been a target for these types of people for as long as I can recall. What is it?
 
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Karlski

Well-Known Member
#2
I used to be like you. Too nice. Wouldn't say boo to a goose. I would hear negative comments and stay silent, they would eat me up inside. I stand up for myself now, but unfortunately it comes across as arrogance/obnoxious to most people.

I'd rather be seen to be arrogant, rather than walked over though. I think it's a good sacrifice. I look very young and I honestly think people judge my intelligence on my looks, so when I assert something, it do make a point to make sure people don't try and make me look stupid.

Sometimes it's good to stay calm and point out when others are over-stepping the mark. Perhaps they think they can get away with it because you seem like an easy target. Those people saying those comments, they aren't your friends. Don't let their opinions affect the way you look at yourself.
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#3
I used to be like you. Too nice. Wouldn't say boo to a goose. I would hear negative comments and stay silent, they would eat me up inside. I stand up for myself now, but unfortunately it comes across as arrogance/obnoxious to most people.

I'd rather be seen to be arrogant, rather than walked over though. I think it's a good sacrifice. I look very young and I honestly think people judge my intelligence on my looks, so when I assert something, it do make a point to make sure people don't try and make me look stupid.

Sometimes it's good to stay calm and point out when others are over-stepping the mark. Perhaps they think they can get away with it because you seem like an easy target. Those people saying those comments, they aren't your friends. Don't let their opinions affect the way you look at yourself.
Thank you! I appreciate your help. I do stand up for myself, in fact, and am pretty assertive when the situation calls for it. But I must come across initially as an easy target because I AM so nice? Or perhaps I come across as more insecure, less reassured and they can sense that? I can be insecure, or rather, uncertain about myself... maybe they can sniff that out?
 

OfLoveAndDeath

Of ❤️ and ☠️
#4
It's important to be nice but also to stand up for yourself. I definitely relate to wanting to please people but when somebody starts to be an asshole I'll put them in their place quickly. Be bitchy, but don't overdo it. Just my advice
 

Karlski

Well-Known Member
#5
Thank you! I appreciate your help. I do stand up for myself, in fact, and am pretty assertive when the situation calls for it. But I must come across initially as an easy target because I AM so nice? Or perhaps I come across as more insecure, less reassured and they can sense that? I can be insecure, or rather, uncertain about myself... maybe they can sniff that out?
Overly nice people will often have their generosity and kindness exploited by others, that's just the way things go sadly.

I am very snappy, and people will rarely engage conflict with me for fear of my reaction, but perhaps that's a good thing because I immediately avoid any chance of being walked over. I'm probably a bit older than you so maybe it just took a little practice.

Don't let people see your kindness as a weakness and stay assertive *thumbsup
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#6
It's important to be nice but also to stand up for yourself. I definitely relate to wanting to please people but when somebody starts to be an asshole I'll put them in their place quickly. Be bitchy, but don't overdo it. Just my advice
Yes agreed! I’ll put people in their place but it takes pushing me to my limit first. Maybe I need stronger boundaries to begin with. I’m very trusting and generous emotionally with people initially.
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#7
Overly nice people will often have their generosity and kindness exploited by others, that's just the way things go sadly.

I am very snappy, and people will rarely engage conflict with me for fear of my reaction, but perhaps that's a good thing because I immediately avoid any chance of being walked over. I'm probably a bit older than you so maybe it just took a little practice.

Don't let people see your kindness as a weakness and stay assertive *thumbsup
Thank you for your reply and advice! I want to be more snappy. I’m 48. I feel like I should know how to do this better by now. I’ve been abused enough.
 

Callousgirl

Semper Occultus
#8
@Have Hope

Any person, man or woman, young or old, the most uneducated and the most educated: on average they are unpopular. If they get into the public dialog, they can rebrand themselves to become more popular with doing social goodwill. Even with a public relations campaign, their popularity can be in the 40% and 50% range. You interact with thousands of women in a given month, and you have a sample of women who have been toxic with you. What I can say is, you are more popular with other women than I am in a given month. In a nut shell, I get paid by companies to write negative and positive critical thinking of their company. Even when the comments are positive, I can still be negative how it can be thought about with a subgroup. I get very angry hate emails, from company staff, and with authors, and others. Congratulations, your more popular than I am :)
 

Karlski

Well-Known Member
#9
I feel like I should know how to do this better by now.
You can't blame yourself for not knowing something you've never been taught. The abusers can probably see your vulnerability on the outside, which is somewhat a bi-product of being a nice person. I think wanting to be more snappy is a good thing! - That famous saying 'defense is the best form of attack' applies quite well here. You don't want to be aggressive, but you don't want to appear too lenient or soft, so practice your defense. Whatever you do, don't let your guard down, and don't share anything you don't want to be used against you. Stay strong and when you feel like giving up then come to SF and tell us all so we can help /hug
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#10
You can't blame yourself for not knowing something you've never been taught. The abusers can probably see your vulnerability on the outside, which is somewhat a bi-product of being a nice person. I think wanting to be more snappy is a good thing! - That famous saying 'defense is the best form of attack' applies quite well here. You don't want to be aggressive, but you don't want to appear too lenient or soft, so practice your defense. Whatever you do, don't let your guard down, and don't share anything you don't want to be used against you. Stay strong and when you feel like giving up then come to SF and tell us all so we can help /hug
Thank you! That's great advice!!!!
 

Witty_Sarcasm

🦄🦜🧁🌈🌝💖
SF Supporter
#11
I have had this problem throughout my life as well. I think that certain types of people who are...I like to call them predatory, because it seems that's what they do...they tend to take advantage of those they see as weaker than them, somehow. Our kindness can lead to us being vulnerable to people who will try to prey on us. So if we encounter people like this, it's best to put up a defense or just cut them off. It's good to be assertive, but you shouldn't have to change who you are just to keep those people off your back.
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#12
I have had this problem throughout my life as well. I think that certain types of people who are...I like to call them predatory, because it seems that's what they do...they tend to take advantage of those they see as weaker than them, somehow. Our kindness can lead to us being vulnerable to people who will try to prey on us. So if we encounter people like this, it's best to put up a defense or just cut them off. It's good to be assertive, but you shouldn't have to change who you are just to keep those people off your back.
Thank you! Though they don't make themselves obvious to me until it's too late, unfortunately.
 
#13
Thank you! Though they don't make themselves obvious to me until it's too late, unfortunately.
A fascinating topic. From what I've read, we seek out people who make us feel "safe and familiar" even if that phrase means abusive.

I never had this problem, so I can't really tell you what I'm doing to avoid it -- but I know I decided in my early 20s that I was comfortable being alone, having no boyfriends/husband. I'd had lots of therapy by then but I was put off relationships by my parents' failed marriage. I was always friendly but not too inviting, I guess. One of my friends told me she was initially intimidated by me. Another says I'm very blunt and thinks it's my British background (my mother is from England).

For instance in your situation with your CEO, i would definitely say "Why are you not making eye contact with me? I'm just not one to let a problem go unremarked. But I'm also assertive in a friendly way, like with our new desk-sharing system at work - I seek out whoever I'm sitting by and introduce myself, whereas many other people just stare at their phones/computers all day.
 

Have Hope

Well-Known Member
#14
A fascinating topic. From what I've read, we seek out people who make us feel "safe and familiar" even if that phrase means abusive.

I never had this problem, so I can't really tell you what I'm doing to avoid it -- but I know I decided in my early 20s that I was comfortable being alone, having no boyfriends/husband. I'd had lots of therapy by then but I was put off relationships by my parents' failed marriage. I was always friendly but not too inviting, I guess. One of my friends told me she was initially intimidated by me. Another says I'm very blunt and thinks it's my British background (my mother is from England).

For instance in your situation with your CEO, i would definitely say "Why are you not making eye contact with me? I'm just not one to let a problem go unremarked. But I'm also assertive in a friendly way, like with our new desk-sharing system at work - I seek out whoever I'm sitting by and introduce myself, whereas many other people just stare at their phones/computers all day.
Hmmm... well, my CEO finally smiled at me the other day. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to shine the spotlight on me in any way that could be perceived as rocking the boat or trying to shake things up. It could be perceived as confrontational had I asked why he couldn’t make eye contact with me. But he’s not abusive or toxic, so he’s not my issue. I am also quite assertive and very friendly.. I am both. What I think I lack are strong boundaries and that F-off vibe that says I’m tough. I probably exude a softie type of disposition because I’m very sympathetic and empathetic and I’m a good listener. I am also very open with people when I should be more self protective. I know that once I see the abusive traits, I want to run away.. so familiarity doesn’t fully ring true for me except for the fact that I am used to self-centeredness and narcissism (due to my father) so those traits escape me when I run across them.
 

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