always about her

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    if my wife decides she wants to do something, my opinions/desires are secondary and unimportant

    if we are invited somewhere she wants to be, she accepts without asking me first or she asks me and won't listen when i say i don't want to go

    her sister invited her to a christmas service (in spanish) - i didn't want to go because (a) i'm not a big fan or organized religion in general, (b) other than her and her sister i didn't know anyone else there, and (c) the service was scheduled for midnight and i was exhausted - spent 3 hours (kid you not) sitting in an icebox of a building with a space heater listening to sermons and testimonies i couldn't understand

    dragged me to her high school reunion - while i didn't know anyone there either at least we all spoke the same language

    this time around she got an invitation to a bar mitzvah this saturday for some kid of one of her cousins - they don't live close by - she sent back the acceptance for all of us even though i told her i didn't want to go but wouldn't keep her from doing so - i don't know her cousins, they don't stay in touch with each other very often, and i will be the odd man out again

    then she tried to get me to buy a new suit - i'm still trying to save enough money for spring semester and she wanted me to spend a few hundred on a suit - fight number one

    finally realized i wasn't budging on that - told me i had to buy a sports coat - that's not happening either - not spending money for something that i will wear once for a bunch of people i don't know - fight number two

    i won't even be able to drive - her sister is coming with us and needs to sit in the front seat or she will become carsick

    now i'll end up feeling miserable, watching this group of people who know each other have a good time and it will only drive home the things i don't have

    i have no family anywhere near who gives a damn, i have no future, and i have no one who cares about what i want or what i feel
  2. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Mutual respect, recieve and give and priorities aren't your wife's strongest point are they ?

    How about you throw in your veto and let her go alone ? Perhaps its not that bad if she would sense your not just a toy.

    I know what i would do
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    life is already hell - if i don't go i will be paying for it for a long time to come

    or until i use what i'm keeping in my pocket again - managed not to carry it for awhile until now
  4. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Excuse Moi for being this blunt and forgive me if i might be wrong but why do i have the feeling that you do not stand up for yourself towards your wife ?
    I know if you arent used to it this is not easy and might be a big hurdle to overcome but it might be good if you could just make that first step and tell yourself "not this time not with me" ?
    Btw i havent read anything from you for a while, how did that situation at work develop lately ? Do you still work there ?
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can fight her on the little things - dinner, movies, etc... but i have no stomach for the big ones and i cave - pathetic, i know, but that's me - pathetic

    and work...sitting in the forum when i should be working - i can't focus, paralyzed

    it's all falling apart again, i'm falling apart again

    feel so damned alone - world spins around me but doesn't want or need to touch me - and i can't touch it

    i know i'm worthless - i KNOW it - in the bottom of my heart
  6. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i just think it is a shame how she keeps "rolling over you". im sure she is aware
    of the fact that you wont arguee her about the big issues and is using that in her advantage.
    has these current issues you discribed make you feel down again ? you are still working at the same place aren't you ? is you job safe for the time being ? i remember a while back you were discussing they had plans to continue without you if im not mistaking.
    your not worthless, your selfesteem is just very low, i would say below zero level which makes you think these negative thoughts about yourself.
    would you say you where doing "somewhat" better untill these arguments with your wife happend ?if so, what can you do to feel better ? just doing whatever the misses tells wont help you either i think
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    there is no "feel better" - it's all i can do to hang on until i fell less crappy

    i don't know what to think about my job any more - don't even know if i can do it any more

    this whole week has been a loss - starting at the screen, leaving for lunch early, getting back late

    i hate getting up in the morning, hate falling asleep at night because it all just starts again

    hate the commute, hate the office

    hate how i feel, what i am, who i am

    just want it all to stop - want to stop feeling myself on the verge of tears all the time - want to stop being exhausted all the time - want to stop feeling so alone all the time - want to feel like i matter to SOMEBODY

    but how can i matter to anybody when i don't matter to myself? :cry:
  8. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Now is the time to put your foot down. Tell her flat out, you are a grown ass man and should not be dragged around like a child, forced to do things you don't want to do. You are the man of the family and your feelings should be respected.

    I'm sorry if this sounds rude or blunt, but she's a bully. In most cases you see the husband controlling the wife, which get's her a huge alimony settlement when the divorce is filed. This is no different simply because you are a man! I'm not telling you to file for divorce, just stating a fact. What she is doing is abusive and she can only continue if you allow it.

    You may be non confrontational, but it's time for confrontation none the less. Stand up and make her listen, stoop to her level if you have to and start dragging her to do things that interest you. See how she likes it. Be straight with her, tell her you are perfectly capable of making decisions for yourself.
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member


    Im not trying to sound like an insensitive ass, just trying to throw something in the mix. Being part of a family means you do things together, and that can mean social things. She seems quite family orientated. I christmas with her sister, Yeah seems about right. And she'd want her husband there with her. She should talk to you with it since it is a family outing. Perhaps you've got your own ideas for christmas. Idk the fine points that are really pissing you off, or if other issues aremaking this alot worse than it is.

    The highschool reuinion... well. You're her partner...You do things like that together.

    Alot of this seems... :S These are things she wants to do, and to be honest, she wants you to go with her. Her way of going about it is a bit "attached to the hip". Would be nice if she came up to you and said "hey i got an invitation to this "whatever"," and you twoworking on going to it together.

    A relationship, you do things together. So... Idk.

    Forgive me for sounding like a jerk, but these things seem like outside issues. If you flip out on her, for wanting to have a social life...youre doing more damage then you need. You care about her im assuming. You need to explain why you dont want to go out, why you feel like shit, why what isbothering you is bothering you.
    You also really need to explain that because you feel so shit, her assuming you're coming with her, and forcing you to move with her social activivites without talking to you first is hurting you.

    If that's making anysense, if you actually get her to acknowledge and bend... understand that she is bending aswell. She wants you to be there. I'm assuming because she loves you and wants you to be apart of her life. Forget the social situation,I would guess she wants to just be there with you.

    maybe a question is, Who are you. What do you like...Iknow the instant reaction is "no one" "nothing". Maybe you need to open up a little to the things you dream of doing or feeling. Idk... How long have you been feeling like this?
  10. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    I wish someone would drag me to some parties.

    In my honest opinion your being a drama queen, instead of saying no i'm not going at all why don't you comprimise, these arn't really problems, your wife wants to spend time with you and her family and you just want isolate yourself, how often would you do something with your wife if you had it your way all the time.

    I always hear that you have to work at a marriage for it to be sucessful by the sounds of it there's only one person doing the all the work, which is probably why you feel she is controlling your life.

    Obviously i don't know you and i could be completely wrong, i'm just going off the information you have given.
  11. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    The way she treats you and plays the dominante role in your family you are aware that this is poison for someone who might be authistic and suffers depression dont you ? It might very well be the reason that all these years of being introvert and keeping up her and her ways might have brought your self esteem the the low level it currently is. I have the feeling that somehow you do not find a way to snap out of this. I am not saying you should file for a divorce or start huge fights at home but you must learn to come up for yourself. i do not believe your selfesteem will be able to grow as long as nothing will change at home
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    self-esteem has always been low - been that way since i've been in junior high school - that's no one's fault but mine

    we do do things together - shopping, movies, ballgames - my mistake if i'm making it sound like she drags me everywhere and i argue each step of the way - had/have no problem with holidays with her family - but tired of being ignored, taken for granted - compromise is a two-way street and i'm tired of having to be the one who always has to give way - i went to the christmas service, and her reunion, and countless other social and family gatherings she wanted to attend

    and i know marriage is work - been doing it for 30 years

    don't forget her birthday, mother's day, etc... but i'm lucky if get a card

    if she gets sick she wants sympathy - anyone else gets sick we did it on purpose to annoy her

    it's near the point where i don't want to go home, but i have nowhere else to go

    the other day she yelled at me at the dinner table for eating too fast - i point out it's the way i always eat and she throws her dinner out and storms out of the room - the dinner she waited for me to come home and make even though she'd been home all day
  13. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Erhm :S Is it a problem between you two or with yourself? Or both?

    It's just the little things that creep into it are usually based on a lack of communication. Like if she's yelling at you for eating too fast. Wellll I mean, that means she wants something from you, or wants youto be a certain way, or somehow you've pissed her off or she's pissed off and she's using you as a excuse to vent.

    If she's not considering you, she's taking you for granted. Idk if that's the case for her, but routines can be a cause of that, or a lack of each of you being yourselfs outside ofeachother and bringing new things into your lives.

    Bendings fine for oneanother, but to a degree. There's a very blurry stance between bending for someone and letting them walk over you. Sometimes you need to remind them you're there, and that the things that are here aren't "expected".

    30 years? .. honestly maybe you guys just need a dose of new or something in your lives so that you can enjoy something and experience it together that lasts longer then just the moment.

    Regardless of how long you both have been together, you're both individuals with your own personal lives. You both matter, so .. if you're both on edge for whatever reason(s), maybe you both need to talk about things together.
  14. I know you are scared of being alone. And, if you displease her then you might be alone. It's a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. It takes a lot of, I don't want to say courage because that is not accurate, love and self-assurance to break away. But, picture yourself in ten years. Where are you going to be? At the risk of sounding callous, use her as she is using you. Continue being secure with her around but start looking around and building a life without her. She may come to her heels when she knows that she doesn't hold all the cards anymore.
  15. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    She yelled at you for eating too fast? I apologise for suggesting it could be your fault, your wife (No disrespect i'm just not sure how to say it politely) is a control freak, it seems like she's treating you like a child.

    I agree with SBlake, you need to sit down and talk to eachother, but you need to make sure you get to have your say, otherwise she will make it sound like it's all your fault.

    However if you're just simply not happy being with your wife anymore perhaps it's time to move on, there's no point being in a relationship if you're not happy and you see no way of it working between you both. I say this as a last resort of course.
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi echo ..I'm sad things are going bad for you again /still..*hugs*
    I'm having troubles here at the moment but wanted to mention that I got up this morning and this saying is running around in my head...perhaps a sign for me to take a stand

    ''If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you always felt''

    "If you don't change the way you do things, live your life, or make decisions, you will never grow or mature or feel better about life as a whole. You have to be the change you want to see in your life."

    take care ok
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2011
  17. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    For moment then i thought you were my ex she says that all the time, i've never heard anyone else say before.
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :lol!: No I'm not your ex...I don't even live in the same country..sorry to scare you :biggrin:
  19. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    maybe divorce is a possibility.
  20. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I agree with this. All she does is make you unhappy.. She seems nuts to be honest. Sorry if thats offensive, just my opinion. :hug:

    She really needs to consider how you feel and what you want to do. It's not fair.

    People here do care. Please remember that. And you can text/call me anytime you need to talk. I love you! :wub:

    Hang in there! xxxxx
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