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always by force

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dxdydz, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. dxdydz

    dxdydz New Member

    i need to be alone but every time I am alone something prevents me.

    people dont want me to think, so I cant think.
    people want me to fail, so I fail.
    others dont want change, so nothing changes.
    altruism suffers, ego wins.
    i am altruistic, so I am not happy because others do not want me happy. I cannot harm others but others harm me without remorse.
    I believe in normal equilibrization
    others believe in entropy
    others believe in nothingness
    others believe in infinity
    i am too softhearted to change things myself

    I need to be alone but for others i cannot

    it seems the worse people are the more they get

    I believe in more inaction, less money but it hurts positive people and rewards hoarders

    flippers, breaking what isn't broken

    i dont want the world to look like the us

    my honest self needs no one

    i am an abstract thinker

    i don't understand when people hurt me, dont care, go into denial

    isnt it easier to be good than bad?

    to be clear and truthful?
  2. dxdydz

    dxdydz New Member

    i feel better watching the world change slowly and more rationally now than when i was in the us surrounded by precedents that meant nothing to me

    this is much easier to vent into a space

    always the flippers come by, inside, outside

    i feel bad when something happens and I cannot tell who or what is at fault

    now i can when i have space plus normalcy

    nothing is normal in the us anymore, the uk was never normal

    i feel much, much calmer

    i dont believe in police or govt or military but not in nihilism

    isolation vs alone is different

    ignoring people or things makes them jump which is why i am always distracted

    when things collect around a person vs around mass vs. systems vs around dynamics vs. ... a lot of control

    when people leave me alone i am afraid in case i hurt them, or i want to give back but then I feel like the best thing is to leave them alone, or because I am used i dont want to get involved, until I am mad, or I want to make sure I do something but then I resent if forced and take positive action out of emotional behavior

    some people cannot see from my view, they only want to see out of their own eyes and cannot see from others eyes, and try to make me see from their eyes only

    some people are so irrational and irrationally hateful or selfish or mean or uncaring

    rationality helps me a lot but then some people make thinking look bad and 'use' rationality

    <mod edit-0 guidelines>

    i feel bad when people repent and i am still not satisfied, until I have third party objectivity... but its so sad because I used to be so second person until all the first person and third person people sucked me dry.

    now I am worried about other second person people, normal people, left people, because I worry about using them the way I was used.

    I spend all my time either alone and-or as god, but its nice because I have one friend who is a good range of me, rationality, second person- equilibrium, and is younger but in good self control. yes exhibits excellent self control and independence along with relationship and empathy and compassion, so I am a little afraid becuase I used to be perfect for my mother who needed me to be there for her in everything until I finally broke and tore away. I don't want to break this person, because person so in tune with me and my mother broke me over and over again, I would go to others but I don't need others so I don't get people involved bc sometimes its silly, I need my self control again and releasing self control is very difficult now I get a reflex. ah its nice bc depth is going to come back

    so much has happened since then and its awful, some people try to tidy up what I have been through but its bad, bc it does not get at the deeper meaning of things just to use a word or a symbol or a picture to describe or try to entrap intangible experience.

    the move from intangible to tangible is often much too fast and or sarcastic and people cannot handle or cope with the depth and magnitude and strength of certain ideas and events, so they try to get rid of me and shut me down because they think the status quo is ok and that by getting rid of the object, or by objectifying me or my ideas, that makes me or the ideas less true.

    but I don't know why people are so stupid.

    I think I cannot and do not want to rely so much on other people, but it is hard because I do need others and there are committed or loyal or understanding people and I just have strong emotional connection problems, put there on purpose, which is why I need such a strange combination of peer to peer and aloneness. the peer to peer exchange with my parents and sister and close acquaintances were very bad

    am much more tolerant now of change and what it looks like, where i see many people intolerant of change or frame change.

    this person brings up so many issue for me precisely because responds rationally and not dysfunctionally, my parents would deliberately test me exactly until I would break, and only then let off.

    I dont know why my mother constantly tries to break me. constant, unceasing, irrational. I think it is because I was a rape baby but she does not admit it. so she put me through a near death experience when I was little, then a castration event when older, <mod edit- guidelines>

    I got used to perfect response and control with the woman, I feel very bad because I am testing involuntarily this peer who is like me when I was young, but I dont think I have an option over it.

    there is another person here, who reminds me very much of mother but is nicer in reality but prone to getting influenced by won.

    I feel bad because I bring so much drama with me wherever I go. it used to be a good thing when everyone was on the same page to test systems and limits, but now with mark zuckerberg, facebook, Donald trump as president of the united states, Microsoft, bill gates, and the possible destruction of religion and western rule it is difficult.

    one thing is I am always alone in what I do, and then others are either inert or enemy. so I need to be alone and yet it is so solipsistic, I don't need others but why must others be either motionless apathetic or mindless or directly against me or wrong? I forget what it is like to be myself while others are there. I cannot be around others without interacting, but sometimes it feels funny, like I am not in my own body. by choice I care to take care of every single little thing and close issues, I am a mathematician and my parents are both scientists, so it is nice to be on the computer, but then when I open unnecessarily to others I feel like someone is or should come and shut the door. the problem is I always have to open for others to close, I am used to getting interrupted when I close and getting swung around. and then sometimes I don't like it when others dont get to be themselves because they helping me so much.

    peer 0 degree, negative degree, 90 degree, 180 degree, 360 degree, 720 degree, etc.

    I cannot believe when people decide they have the right to try to reverse everything for no particular reason. its awful. its senseless insanity. totally senseless, total insanity and it jams my brain which I suppose is the purpose, remorseless sadism, remorseless wrongdoing, remorseless control and exploitation.

    fix vs choice, god and man...
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2018
  3. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am very sorry that u didn't get a response sooner! I would also like to give u a warm welcome here.

    It is hard to understand why things are like this in the world. It is such a shame.

    I do hope that u get to feeling better and everything goes good for u.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter


    Feeling better today? You are in control of your own destiny not others. You. You set the wheels in motion. It is free will. Your choice to drift where the wind takes you.

    Take Care