Always failing

[februaryfriday]

I've been struggling with friendships all my life.
For the last 8 years I've had 2 close friends who are both disabled like me, but this also means that they're not always available due to health struggles.

I joined an (online) 12 step fellowship six months ago. The meeting have been helpful, but I struggle to connect with people outside of it. Sometimes I ask for support in the social media chat group, and have a phone call, but even if the person says they are okay with chatting again, or texting, I don't do it because I'm terrified of being rejected. And a lot of people say they have found amazing friends in the fellowship. But I can't even get that right. I'm to fucked up, to socially anxious, to whatever.

What is the point of making friends if you just get rejected, or disappointed over and over again?
What's the point of making yourself vulnerable?
What's the point of any of this?

Sam, nb, 27 (they/them)

 

[AvidFan]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I often find I can connect with people better online but struggle with things outside of forums. I understand what it's like to make yourself vulnerable and then get rejected. I recently had a friendship of 3 years end when I told a friend I was feeling suicidal and really struggling with my mental health - ghosted and blocked without a word or any communication since. I think the problem is people are just rubbish a lot of the time/dealing with their own stuff/don't know what to do.

Over the years I've made a lot of real life friendships but they tend to drift. People get new jobs, move away, get married. Now I'm older it's even harder.

I think you have to find your own point. The way I look at it, frienships don't have to be forever things. We like to watch a movie once, maybe several times, but we wouldn't watch the same movie over and over. Sometimes we need the sequel or episode 6! Sometimes people come into our lives then drift out and that's OK.

Making friends is hard, it takes effort (but just the right amount - try too hard and it's counterproductive!). I wish you well in making friends and connecting with people and send you my warmest wishes today. 💕💕💕

 

[Waves]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I often find I can connect with people better online but struggle with things outside of forums. I understand what it's like to make yourself vulnerable and then get rejected. I recently had a friendship of 3 years end when I told a friend I was feeling suicidal and really struggling with my mental health - ghosted and blocked without a word or any communication since. I think the problem is people are just rubbish a lot of the time/dealing with their own stuff/don't know what to do.

Over the years I've made a lot of real life friendships but they tend to drift. People get new jobs, move away, get married. Now I'm older it's even harder.

I think you have to find your own point. The way I look at it, frienships don't have to be forever things. We like to watch a movie once, maybe several times, but we wouldn't watch the same movie over and over. Sometimes we need the sequel or episode 6! Sometimes people come into our lives then drift out and that's OK.

Making friends is hard, it takes effort (but just the right amount - try too hard and it's counterproductive!). I wish you well in making friends and connecting with people and send you my warmest wishes today. 💕💕💕

Then who will help us when we are old and helpless?

 

[seabird]

It's hard to keep trying when there's a string of failures. Would it be possible to get into another group? I mean with the idea being to follow your interests, so as to hopefully more easily share, and talk.
I'm not great at making friends, sorry, and I know what I said there is simplistic.

What about the 2 friends who you mentioned - are you still close, despite not having much time with them?

The existential questions you ask are big ones for me too. I very much struggle with the idea of allowing vulnerability in myself, plus do I really want others to open up to me. That's another one I ruminate on sometimes.

The point of all of this is as far as I know, is to experience. Once I remind myself that it's all a series of experineces, then some of the anxiety slips away.

hugs @februaryfriday

 

[Waves]

It's hard to keep trying when there's a string of failures. Would it be possible to get into another group? I mean with the idea being to follow your interests, so as to hopefully more easily share, and talk.
I'm not great at making friends, sorry, and I know what I said there is simplistic.

What about the 2 friends who you mentioned - are you still close, despite not having much time with them?

The existential questions you ask are big ones for me too. I very much struggle with the idea of allowing vulnerability in myself, plus do I really want others to open up to me. That's another one I ruminate on sometimes.

The point of all of this is as far as I know, is to experience. Once I remind myself that it's all a series of experineces, then some of the anxiety slips away.

hugs @februaryfriday

I can’t make the experience be positive though. Seems like it always go badly.

 

[seabird]

I can’t make the experience be positive though. Seems like it always go badly.

 

[februaryfriday]

It's hard to keep trying when there's a string of failures. Would it be possible to get into another group? I mean with the idea being to follow your interests, so as to hopefully more easily share, and talk.
I'm not great at making friends, sorry, and I know what I said there is simplistic.

What about the 2 friends who you mentioned - are you still close, despite not having much time with them?

The existential questions you ask are big ones for me too. I very much struggle with the idea of allowing vulnerability in myself, plus do I really want others to open up to me. That's another one I ruminate on sometimes.

The point of all of this is as far as I know, is to experience. Once I remind myself that it's all a series of experineces, then some of the anxiety slips away.

hugs @februaryfriday

But what if experience just leads to pain?

 

[seabird]

But what if experience just leads to pain?

Indeed. I know what you mean. You hit the nail on the head. Or maybe the thumb I have wondered whether it is that assessment which makes people stop. We withdraw. The pain goes with us. I don't have an answer - the Greek stoics tried to address this with practicing a meditative, mindful state. (I'm not using the word "stoic" in the modern sense here. I'm referring to the works of people like Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, etc.) Since we can only control our own mind & body, they proposed starting there. I'm saying there are ways to begin to get past the pain. I'm in pain from the moment of wking to when I fall asleep. I know what you mean.
Epictetus' story.
Epictetus