I am a rational man and I've been to regular therapy before when I reached a point that I couldn't keep my emotions above water any more. In going through therapy and with my own logical reasoning I know that it's probable that the bad things which always seem to happen to me are things that happen to everyone and that it's my depression which makes it seem to that I have it worse than others. But the thing is that I do have it worse than others. Deep down in my bones it's what I know. I want to share an example. This is the first forum I've ever been on where maybe I don't need to show examples or explain, maybe this is the one place people will understand. I just don't want to feel like I'm delusional. Yesterday I had a date. I haven't been on a date in a long while, I've been hiding myself and burying myself in work because I couldn't stand being alone and have lost interest in anything so most of the time when I'm home now I feel tired and incapable of doing much. I met her a few months ago through a mutual interest. A very attractive girl, a bit timid, but very nice and I felt comfortable around her. I didn't have too much confidence to do anything back then but she seemed to keep in touch so I went with it and we would talk by text every now & then. She seemed very open to me and eventually I invited her to meet me later in the week to get a meal together. To my surprise she agreed and seemed enthusiastic. At this point I think for any "normal" person, their experience would be that they go on the date and either hit it off or not. For me, it doesn't work that way and it's not due to anything I do. Things just HAPPEN outside my control. I don't cause them to happen, they just happen. I know this is a long example, sorry, but anyway as I'm driving to meet her at the restaurant, my thoughts shift to the usual "None of my dates ever pan out, something always goes wrong or I get bailed on or some crazy thing happens." No matter how much she seemed to want to meet up and no matter how positive it was up to this point, my thoughts are centered on wondering how the date would fail. The typical failure is me waiting and the girl never showing up. Other failures are while on the date some ex-boyfriend happens to be run into, or a freak thunderstorm rains things out or someone gets into an accident or the area is blocked off by police due to a crime scene or 100 other things. I get to the area, park, find the place, check with the hostess that the reservation is good and then wait. She texts that she's late due to traffic. I just let it flow and don't react, I've learned to stay calm and at least carry an outward positive attitude. Time goes by, finally she calls that she's in the area and parking so I ask her if she'd know where to find the restaurant after she parked. Nothing out of the ordinary, I'm calm. I banter with one of the hostesses to keep a positive social demeanor. By now she's 45 minutes late and even though I'm staying calm and relaxed I could see in the eyes of the 2 hostesses that they're throwing pity on me like they know I'm going to be bailed on. I know this is not a new experience to just me, I'm sure many people have had this happen to them, but this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Not just sometimes - ALL the time. Finally she's messaging me to apologize and she felt like she was having a bad night and wanted to go home. She was nearby, she came, everything was positive up until an hour before and only then do I get the punch to the gut. Sometimes in the past I'd have just left already or left at that point, humiliated and yet another repeating cruel form of rejection. Due to loneliness mostly, I didn't want to give up this time and just somehow kept a positive outward talked her into staying and she finally walked over to meet me. Inside I was already crushed at having to deal with this kind of thing yet again but outside I didn't want that to show. By the time we got seated the waiter told us the kitchen would be closing so now I'm rushed to order food and and whole feeling to me of being there soured. On the outside it wouldn't have seemed to gone bad, just 2 people on a date that ended up getting cut short, but by the time it was over and after I walked her back to her car, on my way home it just made me want to crumble. The feeling isn't that of what happened, in a way I can deal with that kind of thing as it happens, but it was a feeling of total dejection because this kind of thing happens to me all the time. Why can't I simply make a date, go on it, nobody is late or causes me to be humiliated, nothing freakish happens, nobody puts the pressure on me to carry all the weight to make sure it's all good, but things just happen positively like it happens for everyone else? Why can't I just ask a girl on a date, she shows up, we have a good time and things progress like they do for the rest of the people in this world? It's not like I'm wearing a band on my forehead that says "I'm mister miserable" - I've gotten very good over the years of nobody being able to guess that deep down my soul is crushed. This is just 1 area of my life where I deal with negative situations that only seem to happen to me regularly. I don't want to get into the other areas just yet, but maybe others here can understand from this single example. When things like this happen to you over and over, your depression feels like it doesn't come from within but that it is created and even if you tricked yourself into being happy you would still get these experiences that eventually wear you down to the bone. That is how I feel about my own lot in life.