Right now I'm still in an extremely emotional mindset, however my Logic always seems to keep me in check no matter what I'm really feeling. That's probably one of the most depressing things about my situation. I don't really mean to give any sob-stories that logically aren't a big deal. But for some reason the emotional side of my mind just strives to allow them to upset me. I also apologize ahead of time if my sentences don't flow very smoothly because I'm still very upset. To start things off I'll just introduce myself. I don't wish to reveal my name, but I just turned 19 on January 31st. I am going to a nearby college and share one of my classes with my best friend that's been with me the whole way this past year. A lot of things that have happened since the beginning of my life constantly follow me and I try to get by with distracting myself, but I always fail somewhere along the line (this being one of those times). Distracting myself and eventually uncontrollable depression led me to completely fail all but one of my classes the first semester. I am now on Academic Probation and I'm really starting to struggle again because I'm starting to remember things again. I'll try to explain the things that cross my mind on a daily basis. As far back as I can remember, I was always remember being looked down upon by someone. From the time I was in Pre-School, I always seemed to be hated by my teachers and peers. I probably was really annoying or something, but I don't think that should give anyone the right to mistreat me. This is especially true of my teachers, everything was overlooked when anything was done to me. When I cussed one time in middle school I got 1 day of ISS. When someone threatened to bring a gun to school and kill me and many others, they got 30 minutes of detention. As my principal told my parents when they found out about the 12-year-old's punishment, "I call them as I see 'em". Over time, I began believing I really was worthless (I still do). I tried everything I could to make me feel like I was worth something. I broke two very old school records on my highschool track team and got in the newspaper many times, but even that wasn't enough to solve my problem. Sure, it lasted for a few days and I made out with a girl for the first time that I really cared about (I still care about her to this day). But the eventual sorrow that came from it really wasn't worth it, she never really liked me. I eventually found myself with the opportunity to be in a relationship with another woman and things got really weird spiritually for a short period of time. Unbelievable things happened that even made a believer out of an atheist I was working with at the time. Strange things happen when I attempt them and I still freak out about it. However, this relationship was quickly ruined because of my lack of self-worth. She stopped being attracted to me and she quickly moved on, leaving me in the dust. All because I was upset and walked away almost crying. I suffer with an extreme discomfort even in the most comfortable settings and fear being judged by everyone. I know how quickly some people make decisions about someone. I try to realize no one realizes that I'm suicidal and sit near them, but I just can't help but feel out of place. I've never attempted to commit suicide and the closest thing I've ever done to really hurting myself was punching my leg a few times when I was younger, but it wasn't anything that caused any real damage only minor bruising for a short time if that. However, I've recently found myself standing in front of my parent's closet from time to time that contains a XXXX. Realistically the few things that are holding me back is a fear of an afterlife (I am Christian, but I somewhat hope it's false so I don't have to remember anything when I die. I'm more comfortable with never knowing I existed), my family and friends. I'm constantly reminded of how upset everyone would be if anything happened to me, but I just don't want to suffer any longer. In my mind, receiving help from a therapist is not an option and I don't want to be put on pills. I'm sorry to have bugged you all with this long read I just really need some people to talk to me that understand this ridiculous depression that isn't logical at all.