Always Thinking Logically And Always Being Suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A.Nonymous, Feb 5, 2009.

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  1. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Member

    Right now I'm still in an extremely emotional mindset, however my Logic always seems to keep me in check no matter what I'm really feeling. That's probably one of the most depressing things about my situation.

    I don't really mean to give any sob-stories that logically aren't a big deal. But for some reason the emotional side of my mind just strives to allow them to upset me. I also apologize ahead of time if my sentences don't flow very smoothly because I'm still very upset.

    To start things off I'll just introduce myself. I don't wish to reveal my name, but I just turned 19 on January 31st. I am going to a nearby college and share one of my classes with my best friend that's been with me the whole way this past year.

    A lot of things that have happened since the beginning of my life constantly follow me and I try to get by with distracting myself, but I always fail somewhere along the line (this being one of those times). Distracting myself and eventually uncontrollable depression led me to completely fail all but one of my classes the first semester. I am now on Academic Probation and I'm really starting to struggle again because I'm starting to remember things again. I'll try to explain the things that cross my mind on a daily basis.

    As far back as I can remember, I was always remember being looked down upon by someone. From the time I was in Pre-School, I always seemed to be hated by my teachers and peers. I probably was really annoying or something, but I don't think that should give anyone the right to mistreat me. This is especially true of my teachers, everything was overlooked when anything was done to me. When I cussed one time in middle school I got 1 day of ISS. When someone threatened to bring a gun to school and kill me and many others, they got 30 minutes of detention. As my principal told my parents when they found out about the 12-year-old's punishment, "I call them as I see 'em".

    Over time, I began believing I really was worthless (I still do). I tried everything I could to make me feel like I was worth something. I broke two very old school records on my highschool track team and got in the newspaper many times, but even that wasn't enough to solve my problem. Sure, it lasted for a few days and I made out with a girl for the first time that I really cared about (I still care about her to this day). But the eventual sorrow that came from it really wasn't worth it, she never really liked me.

    I eventually found myself with the opportunity to be in a relationship with another woman and things got really weird spiritually for a short period of time. Unbelievable things happened that even made a believer out of an atheist I was working with at the time. Strange things happen when I attempt them and I still freak out about it. However, this relationship was quickly ruined because of my lack of self-worth. She stopped being attracted to me and she quickly moved on, leaving me in the dust. All because I was upset and walked away almost crying.

    I suffer with an extreme discomfort even in the most comfortable settings and fear being judged by everyone. I know how quickly some people make decisions about someone. I try to realize no one realizes that I'm suicidal and sit near them, but I just can't help but feel out of place.

    I've never attempted to commit suicide and the closest thing I've ever done to really hurting myself was punching my leg a few times when I was younger, but it wasn't anything that caused any real damage only minor bruising for a short time if that. However, I've recently found myself standing in front of my parent's closet from time to time that contains a XXXX.

    Realistically the few things that are holding me back is a fear of an afterlife (I am Christian, but I somewhat hope it's false so I don't have to remember anything when I die. I'm more comfortable with never knowing I existed), my family and friends. I'm constantly reminded of how upset everyone would be if anything happened to me, but I just don't want to suffer any longer. In my mind, receiving help from a therapist is not an option and I don't want to be put on pills.

    I'm sorry to have bugged you all with this long read I just really need some people to talk to me that understand this ridiculous depression that isn't logical at all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Anonymous,

    Welcome to the forums.

    I hope it helped you to get that off your chest. You are very brave.

    It's understandable that you have low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness after the way you were treated. You are right,they had no right to treat you with such disrespect. You deserve better and you are worth more.

    You are 19(the same as me), you still have plenty of time to find someone who will love and accept you for who you are. You must find a way of releasing your pain and frustration in a healthy way. Why do you not want to give therapy a chance? Therapy really helps me a lot and takes the edge of things. :arms:

    I'm here if you need to talk and I hope you feel better soon x
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...as you have excluded yourself from many forms of successful treatment, I wonder how you will provide yourself with the help you might need??? I feel there is no 'Zen' in suffering...if there are valuable and relatively safe ways to assist ourselves to function better and in a more pleasant way, why exclude them??? Would you not take insulin if you were a diabetic??? Just want to provide some logical questioning and hopefully, stimulate another way of thinking...Welcome again and I hope you find support here...big hugs, J
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anonomous,
    Welcome to the forum!! It sounds to me because the way you were treated when you were younger that you have become socialphobic. It is an illness and you need help to learn to cope with it. You should reconsider seeing a therapist. They won't judge you, they will teach you how to cope and how to regain some self esteem. I would also recommend talking to your family doctor because the thoughts you are having are irrational. That also is a symptom of depression. They have meds like Geodon or Abilify that help you to deal with those thoughts. They don't mess you up, you don't even feel them you just one day notice that you are thinking alot clearer. Please seek the help you can't do it on your own..Take care!!~Joseph~
     
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    hey there and welcome to sf
    i just want to say 1 thing...
    if you want to live a full and healthy life, you must talk to a therapiest
    and if needed, to take pills. But if you dont want to change anything
    then you will have to keep living with your depressions and you wont
    be able to advance in anything (job, education, relationships, life quality)
     
  6. A.Nonymous

    A.Nonymous Member

    The funny thing about the question for being diabetic... A fluke test showed doctors that I was a heavy diabetic and apparently my urine sample was as thick as syrup and extremely high in protein. I was told that I should retake the test as soon as possible and may be in a severe diabetic condition, however I denied the idea of changing my lifestyle or taking any form of treatment.

    On the retest, I was found to be completely normal.

    I've also gone in to see a therapist, however I've lied about my suicidal thoughts as being insignificant and that they don't occur very frequently even though they actually occur many times every day. The reason I don't want to seek help is because I don't wish to be hospitalized or for people to worry about me more than they already do.

    I told people about my suicidal thoughts recently and that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do on my part.
     
  7. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    No one will force you to go to a hospital man!
    but unless you trat yourself you will be like that forever or even worse!
     
  8. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are able to talk about this so openly. I believe therapy would be a great deal of help for you if you are able to give it a chance :) I have dealt with some similar feelings and it has helped me tremendously.
     
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Yeh why do people believe that suicidal feeling mean that they'll be put away instantly and always and forever thought of as insane!?! If it helps you speak out more in the future, my suicidal feelings have rarely gone further than an invitation to be taken into hospital overnight (which i declined), there are too many people out there that need to be cared for that are sent home 24hrs later - just look at this forum and you'll see some of those people!!
    I would do research into clinical depression if i were you - if you are going to refuse treatment then at least know all the facts as to why you are. It is a medical illness, i agree doctors aren't right about everything and you have to use your own judgement too, but considering you came to this forum i think you realise you have major difficulties. Why deny yourself treatment that could help you?

    Reminds me of a story i once heard - a man was drowning in a river and shouts 'God save me', a few minutes later a boat came by and tried to pull him out but the man said 'no i'm waiting for God to save me', a few minutes later another boat appeared but the man said the same thing. Eventually the man drowned and saw God in heaven and asked him why He hadn't saved him - God replied 'i did, i sent you 2 boats!!'.
     
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