Background: Spent all week and weekend crying. Called therapist for an appt. After spending hours crying this week I decided to implementa suicide plan of which you have to buy ingredients and have them shippped to you. I called therapist and canceled the appt and finished up by saying that it was really nice knowing her. She got scared in the am and called the police who were very nice. I had taken 3 Ativan just to sleep last night and had difficulty getting to the phone on time this am so she got scared. I ended up agreeing to see her tomorrow (today it's after 12am) What if she quits on me. I live 40 mi away from her office and been going there becasue i have been going to her through all the moves (she moved, I moved, well, it's been years.Sometimes the distance bothers me and sometimes the fact we go over the same stuff time and again and nothing changes bothers me. While it gets boring I'm scared that I won't develop another relationship with someone else. And I may lose my insurance at the end ofthis year and then I don't know what to do. I feel un-anchored not only with what happening in my life let alone losing a rock by my side. But then again it wasn't fair to do what I did either in retrospect - I was just glad I had made a decision to end this life and let her know that I appreciated her support. But it's the middle of the night and terror strikes in my heart as i contemplate tomorrow's appt. Guess I finish up the plans regardless if she quits.