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Am autistic and my life is dreadful

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Withdrawn, Sep 2, 2010.

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  1. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I skip school several times a week. I can't talk to people because I have selective mutism. I have autism and severe perception problems.
    I have no friends. I cry every day. Medication doesn't help me, I've already tried. I'm depressed all the time.
    I don't know if I can live independently when I'm an adult.
    The other day, I tried to found a high place to jump from. I wanted to die. I have been thinking of suicide a lot of times lately. Maybe that's an option that would give me some peace. :badday:
  2. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your challenges hon...having recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I can relate to some of the challenges you face...although there's no doubt that your struggles have been much more complicated.

    Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

    A piece of advice I was given by a social worker and a psychiatrist that might also be of help to you is to look for groups in your area that are specific to others who have autism, and are in your age range. Imagine how the lonely feelings could ebb if you could find comfort associating with others around your age who understand what you're going through because they're going through it too?

    Attempting suicide is not an answer...in fact, it may just make things worse.

    If medication isn't working, how about therapy? Reading your posting, I think you're brilliant and brave...English isn't even your native language, and you write it like a pro!

    Just remember that it's always darkest just before the dawn...but the dawn will come. It will come for me...and it will come for you too!
  3. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you for answering. :smile:
    I'm 14 years old.
    I'm going to meet two kinds of therapists very soon. A speech therapist and another therapist who is going to make my difficulties less heavy.

    I know suicide is a bad thing, but after 14 years without understanding what people are saying or thinking, I'm just so tired of the whole thing.
    At school, my teachers have to deal with me 90% of the school day, and I get easily stressed and start rocking back and forth, and flapping my hands.
    My classmates think I'm so peculiar. I'm in an ordinary class and there isn't even one single person in my class who's a little shy.
    I eat special food and they ask me over and over again: "Why aren't you eating our food? Are you allergic? Do you have a disease?"
    The problem is that I don't answer them. I tend to stare at the wall or into space. Not even my teachers can get into contact with me.
    If somebody is too pushy, I start rocking, swinging, or curling into a ball.
    And I can't help it! :dead:

    I can't walk from asphalt to grass without getting support and help from my teachers. I can't go into new rooms, due to all new sensory impressions around me. I'm easily overwhelmed. Then I get really jumpy and ... yeah, start rocking of course.

    I'm feeling worthless. :blub:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not worthless. I have a cousin with autism, and so I've watched him deal with a lot of the same things you've just described. But it can get better. Therapy really can make a difference.

    I don't know much about selective mutism or exactly what it effects. But it had to take a lot for you to post here, and that's something. Is it hard for you to post how you're feeling, or to talk to people online? If not, that's something you can do to get things out.
  5. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    :thumbup: Nice to hear that it can get better.
    I really want it to get better.

    I found it very difficult to talk to people online, some years ago. But now it's a lot easier. My selective mutism makes me unable to talk in real life, for instance at school or to strangers. But I can talk at home. And on the Internet.
  6. jevilsin

    jevilsin New Member

    Have you heard of Temple Grandin?


    She has autism. She has overcome a lot. Maybe she can inspire you because people with Autism can accomplish great things! Hang in there! :sparkle:
  7. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've heard a lot about her. The other day I saw this film called "Temple Grandin". She's amazing! :angel:
  8. jevilsin

    jevilsin New Member

    There is hope.:)
  9. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say you're not alone. When I heard of selective mutism about a couple years ago it described me exactly, more so than anything else, even more than social anxiety disorder. I knew that's exactly what I had as a kid, I could not speak at all to anyone other than immediate family members. I got contantly asked when I started school "why don't you talk?" from other kids, I felt like the teachers hated me because I couldn't answer them or speak. It was horrible, humiliating, I understand that pain. I remember at age 7 laying in my bed wondering why I couldn't talk like everyone else and wishing I could die. It's frightening when trying to speak and only my lips move and nothing comes out. My whole life has been extremely diffiuclt because of it and i've been pretty much a hermit. It's still hard as an adult but it gets better, I never thought college was possible, but i've managed to complete some classes. I have gotten better at talking, but it's something I still struggle with. It's great your getting help for it now, when you become an adult I think you'll be a lot better off. I don't have any friends so I just try to do my own thing and find happiness in that.
  10. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I really think you should just find someone you feel comfortable talking to- or writing letters or a journal with; just to get all of these horrible thoughts out of your head.
    You're far too young to hate your life so much.

    You should at least have some fun and find things you like before thinking about how to escape.
    Things will be harder for you than for an 'average' person, but you can work with what you've got and still enjoy things in life!
    Don't think about the future-- focus on now, okay?

    I knew a boy in highschool who was completely mute- never spoke a word in his life, but he was a very good listener and a warm person- and people liked him for that reason.
    Two of my cousins are autistic. The older one recently graduated from college and is a certified nurse! She had a very hard time when she was starting out public school (since she was home schooled until she was 13) and for a long time, she didn't know how to deal with people and felt depressed all the time. Things can look up once you find passion for something though! Education, hobbies, animals-- anything you like to do can help to brighten your day.
  11. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    I can understand how you're feeling...although not faced with the same challenges as you, I've felt the same way myself. But as others have said, it is very important for you to tell yourself that you are not worthless! Even if it feels like you're only going through the motions, the truth is the only one who matters is you!

    How do you feel about being in an ordinary class? In my opinion, it seems to me that being in the regular class, at least at this juncture, is only making things worse for you. :( I have no doubt about your intellect...as I told you, I think you're brave and brilliant. However if your classmates are giving you a hard time simply for being different, it's going to take it's toll on you...and so perhaps teachers and your parents should be exploring other options.

    I think it sounds very promising that you're going to be seeing a couple of therapists in the near future...hopefully they will be able to help you. Selective mutism, from what I've read, can be difficult to overcome...but therapy by the sounds of it can be helpful. Perhaps the therapists will be able to suggest alternative means of communicating that will help make things better for you.

    Let me ask you...if anything could be changed to make things better for you, what would you like to have changed?
  12. CheeseInsider

    CheeseInsider New Member

    I would like to extend my hand to you in friendship. The others have given you some great advice. I, unfortunately, don't really know what to say. But I hope you find happiness soon.

    What is something that brings you relief or joy?
  13. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I too, think you should join a support group with people with similar problems, and you can find friendship and support. You're strong for all you have been through.
  14. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    In the beginning, people thought: "Maybe the best thing for her is starting in a special school/class." But then we found a great school where the teachers really care about me, although they don't know much about autistic people.
    But when starting high school, I will probably go in a school for autists.
    I'm high-functioning, my IQ is average.

    I would like to become less anxious. The anxiety destroys everything.
  15. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Actually, I will go to a support group for autistic girls and boys in my age. Once a week for five weeks.
  16. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you. :smile:

    Animals bring me joy! :)
  17. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you everybody! Your answers really made me in a better mood.

    I went to the doctor today, with my mum.
    We sat in the waiting room for five minutes.
    My doctor came. She was an Asian woman. She said hi to me, and I stared at her and said hi quietly.
    I came into a new room and gazed at all things that were there. I sat down. Both my doctors were there.

    The doctor asked Mum questions in the start. Mum suddenly said that I tend to hear voices.

    (I used my username instead of my real name.)

    The doctor: "Do the voices tell you to do things?"
    After ten seconds, I shook my head carefully.
    The doctor: "Do the voices tell you to make away with yourself?"
    I counted the handles on a locket in front of me.
    The doctor: "Withdrawn ...."
    I stared and stared.
    The doctor: "Withdrawn. I'm talking to you."
    I looked at the doctor in a puzzled manner.
    The doctor: "Do the voices tell you to make away with yourself?"
    I flapped my hands.
    The doctor: "Withdrawn, I'm still talking to you. Do the voices tell you to kill yourself?"
    I shook my head.
    The doctor: "Have you ever wanted to commit suicide?"
    I flapped my hands a little, but she couldn't see it. I nodded.
    The doctor: "Have you been reflecting how you would kill yourself?"
    I nodded vacantly.
    The doctor: "Have you ever planned how to commit suicide?"
    After twenty seconds, I nodded.
    The doctor: "How?"
    I remained silent.
    Mum: "Withdrawn said she was looking for a place to jump from."

    The doctor: "Are the voices creepy?"
    I rocked from side to side cagily.
    The doctor: "Withdrawn. Are the voices creepy?"
    I gaped at the table.
    The doctor: "Do you hear me, Withdrawn?"
    I didn't react.
    Mum: "Withdrawn has told me she finds the voices creepy."
    The doctor: "What are the voices saying?"
    Mum: "Withdrawn says she doesn't understand what they are saying."

    The doctor: "May I listen to your heart, Withdrawn, with a stethoscope?"
    I was busy looking at the corners of the room.
    The doctor: "Withdrawn ....."
    I didn't react.
    The doctor: "May I listen to your heart? Would that be okey?"
    The doctor became bothered of my mental absence.
    The doctor: "Would you rather write your answer down? Or can you nod or shake your head?"
    The other doctor, who was sitting next to me, gave me paper and a pencil.
    I started to shake my head. I didn't want her to listen to my heart.

    After an hour of talking, the doctor asked: "Do you agree with our decisions?"
    I didn't react and I just stared into space. "Withdrawn", she said distinctively.
    The next couple of minutes, the doctor tried to get me to react. She failed.
  18. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    Well there's some positive stuff with what you've written. Yes, the Doctor's are challenging you to answer, and I'm sure that makes things hard...but ultimately they are addressing you on your terms hon. :)

    I did want to ask you, when the paper and pad was handed to you, what stopped you from writing down what you were thinking on it? And why didn't you want the Doctor to listen to your heart? I know it's really hard, and I hope you don't think my questions are meant to be harsh or anything, but I do wonder if this might be a viable solution to some of the selective mutism problems you're encountering.

    You told your Mother about how you were feeling...I'm so proud of you! That was very, VERY brave...and I hope you realize how trusting your Mother was a very good decision! :)

    Here in Canada, Doctors are training dogs to help autistic children and youth...is it the same in Sweden? You love animals...do you have a pet? :)
  19. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I didn't write down my thoughts, because I was kind of in my own world so I didn't react very well.
    I didn't want her to listen to my heart, because that would include touch, and I'm hypersensitive to touch. I didn't want the doctor to touch me 'cause she really gave me strange looks and she was patronising.

    I hate talking to my mother and find it pretty difficult, but I was sick of the voices I've had since I was 6 y/o, they really scared me.

    I haven't heard of it before.
    Yes, I have a cat and three pet rats. :)
  20. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

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