Am I a fighter? What should I do.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Tamiey Girl, May 29, 2016.

  1. Tamiey Girl

    Tamiey Girl New Member

    I don't understand what has made me fight and hold on for so long. Why do I keep fighting when it's the last thing I want to do.

    I feel like I'm cursed or damned or fated to end up angry and bitter and unable to make any relationship work. I'm good for a while then get to a point where I pick arguments ultimately because despite the negative influences on my life I have no one to blame but myself and I'm angry at myself for no reason. I'm angry for being this way.

    I tried to pick a giht with my best friend who's day recently died. I said many things I didn't mean and accused her of stuff I don't know where it's coming from. She has more reason to scream and cry yet I'm the one who is trying to hurt her trying to get someone to help me feel alive. I am so selfish. To help me release this poison this demon . The mor4 I try to tame or control myself as I have always been told to do the more viciously these emotions overwhelm me. I don't think she'll talk to me for a while and that's okay because I do honestly deserve.

    I often feel like an attention seeker if I ever try to speak to anyone about this except for this friend. Now I have no one and I cant help but feel like this foreshadows my life. I know now in my heart tht I am not an attention seeker because I have seriously taken steps in preparation to end my life. But I am too much of a coward to go through with it. I stopped self harm months ago because I don't just want to hurt myself- I don't want the attention. I don't want to die but if that's the only way to something more to happiness and fulfilment it must be an option considered. I want a life of happiness or nothing.

    I've recently had to come to terms with this idea that I my not achieve my dreams no matter how much I try and for a bookish optimist who has always strived for the more in life and has had to struggle, this is crushing. It's heart-breaking. If I don't have my dream to live and fight for- to give me meaning why am I still fighting?

    I used to embrace the future head on but now I'm scared. I don't want to wake up when I go to sleep.

    A part of me is so angry I want to punish everyone in my life by killing myself. Show them finally how much I am hurting and how alone I feel. But part of me is just so tired of trying and continuing. What's the point in being an optimist and continually overcoming if there is nothing to gain in the end. I feel like all I ever do is hurt anyone anyway. I really have been trying to make the most of my situation and take each day as it comes-stop complaining and better myself but I am so lost and alone. I don't belong anywhere anymore. Can someone please just help me. I don't want to be alone anymore.
  2. seadra

    seadra Active Member

    I care, We All do here. I know how you feel. I rage at myself every day for being so incompetent and lost and tear myself apart. Just the sheer knowledge that you and I are not alone is comforting. It hurts to keep on going sometimes and we have to fight it. I have my own invisible enemy. Large,strong and daunting. Find that kind of drive. It's not your fault. Find your true enemies and know it's never you
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I find that helping others helps me. It can be on this website or directly with people. This can help alleviate your loneliness.

    Best to stay away from social sites. They present too false of an image and since comparisons are likely for depression it seldom leads to a healthy outcome.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Fighting to live takes effort for us but so does our thoughts of dying. But by fighting you give yourself an opportunity to see and hopefully find hope
  5. Tamiey Girl

    Tamiey Girl New Member

    Thanks for this- I guess I just needed to get things off my chest and cry a little
  6. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    Hello Tamiey

    Hugs. Its hard to live with so much stress and feeling helpless about it.
    from what you said, i see that you care a lot about people in your life. You really want to improve and are reaching out for help here. really appreciate it, takes courage to admit that one is wrong. You are half the way ahead of many people facing such challenges.
    Other half is learning to calm one self. if you observe your life, when you are happy and content, peaceful, you have greater resistance to anger, you tend to forgive others. When something is bothering you, its hard to control our irritants, and tend to lash out. Find something in your life that helps you ground yourself in peace. Meditation helps, if you have a good teacher or anything/anyone who can help you become calm works. hope this helps
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. It's good that your are posting as it helps to clear and explain your own thoughts. We understand the pain you feel as loneliness can be horrible. You are among friends who understand and really want to help.

    Keep posting if the venting here hells you in your current struggle. We really care about anyone hurting. Keep posting and be safe.
  8. Tamiey Girl

    Tamiey Girl New Member

    Thanks for all the replies everyone. I honestly feel so much better I was able to talk to my friend and open up a bit more even though she is till angry at me it isn't
    I totally understand that I do need something to ground me and keep me calm in the midst of my storms. It sometimes scares me what stress and anger and bitterness can make a person do- it just feels impossible to continually resist. I will try to strive on. Thanks again for the help