I don't understand what has made me fight and hold on for so long. Why do I keep fighting when it's the last thing I want to do. I feel like I'm cursed or damned or fated to end up angry and bitter and unable to make any relationship work. I'm good for a while then get to a point where I pick arguments ultimately because despite the negative influences on my life I have no one to blame but myself and I'm angry at myself for no reason. I'm angry for being this way. I tried to pick a giht with my best friend who's day recently died. I said many things I didn't mean and accused her of stuff I don't know where it's coming from. She has more reason to scream and cry yet I'm the one who is trying to hurt her trying to get someone to help me feel alive. I am so selfish. To help me release this poison this demon . The mor4 I try to tame or control myself as I have always been told to do the more viciously these emotions overwhelm me. I don't think she'll talk to me for a while and that's okay because I do honestly deserve. I often feel like an attention seeker if I ever try to speak to anyone about this except for this friend. Now I have no one and I cant help but feel like this foreshadows my life. I know now in my heart tht I am not an attention seeker because I have seriously taken steps in preparation to end my life. But I am too much of a coward to go through with it. I stopped self harm months ago because I don't just want to hurt myself- I don't want the attention. I don't want to die but if that's the only way to something more to happiness and fulfilment it must be an option considered. I want a life of happiness or nothing. I've recently had to come to terms with this idea that I my not achieve my dreams no matter how much I try and for a bookish optimist who has always strived for the more in life and has had to struggle, this is crushing. It's heart-breaking. If I don't have my dream to live and fight for- to give me meaning why am I still fighting? I used to embrace the future head on but now I'm scared. I don't want to wake up when I go to sleep. A part of me is so angry I want to punish everyone in my life by killing myself. Show them finally how much I am hurting and how alone I feel. But part of me is just so tired of trying and continuing. What's the point in being an optimist and continually overcoming if there is nothing to gain in the end. I feel like all I ever do is hurt anyone anyway. I really have been trying to make the most of my situation and take each day as it comes-stop complaining and better myself but I am so lost and alone. I don't belong anywhere anymore. Can someone please just help me. I don't want to be alone anymore.