I've been asking myself that for a while. I have no clue why I ever wake up anymore. And my dreams are shit as well - I hate sleeping. I haven't felt 'happiness' in over 10 years - about half my life. I only realised how bad I was after talking to a therapist a few months ago. I really take no true pleasure from anything. I feel anger, fear or I am blank. No good emotions. I wish I could feel some positive emotions. To feel alive again. But I haven't really lived since the 90s. I have had a life without enough control - just reacting to stuff. I've always wanted to die on my own terms and in full control - the one thing I can't do in life. I duno if this is a crisis or not. Hopefully not. I am planning to commit suicide, but don't know when. It's how I want to go - hopefully later rather than sooner, but i dunno. I've thought it through and it feels like a logical conclusion - a nice solution to my problem. I hope that inbetween the time I find my way back to being truly alive, and look forward to things and live again, but it's unlikely. So I do want to live, but not like I am right now. I would rather die than live another day as 'me'. I'm not myself anymore - not really. But I would rather live than die. I don't ask for much - just for stability.