am I alive?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Knightless, Sep 8, 2009.

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  1. Knightless

    Knightless Member

    I've been asking myself that for a while. I have no clue why I ever wake up anymore. And my dreams are shit as well - I hate sleeping. I haven't felt 'happiness' in over 10 years - about half my life. I only realised how bad I was after talking to a therapist a few months ago. I really take no true pleasure from anything. I feel anger, fear or I am blank. No good emotions.

    I wish I could feel some positive emotions. To feel alive again. But I haven't really lived since the 90s. I have had a life without enough control - just reacting to stuff. I've always wanted to die on my own terms and in full control - the one thing I can't do in life.

    I duno if this is a crisis or not. Hopefully not. I am planning to commit suicide, but don't know when. It's how I want to go - hopefully later rather than sooner, but i dunno. I've thought it through and it feels like a logical conclusion - a nice solution to my problem. I hope that inbetween the time I find my way back to being truly alive, and look forward to things and live again, but it's unlikely. So I do want to live, but not like I am right now. I would rather die than live another day as 'me'. I'm not myself anymore - not really. But I would rather live than die. I don't ask for much - just for stability.
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    i'm really sorry to hear all that. as you probably already know, a lot of people feel this way, myself included. i can't tell you what to do but my thoughts are with you, please take care. i know how it feels to feel like life means nothing and just wanting to end it all.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorrry you are feeling so down right now hope you cantalk to someone on outside like councillor or doctor so you can get help Hopefully this feeling will pass soon and you will start feeling better talk here anytime to vent okay
  4. Knightless

    Knightless Member

    i got no one to talk to. therapy didnt work out for me. i'm just trying to deal with it in my own way. no point in venting and stuff like that anymore. but i appreciate that there are people out on the forum who get where i'm saying. its really surprising. but i expect less from life now. i dont think my life will change for the better.

    i was told by therapist that i might get better only after i get worse. so i guess that breaking point is what i'm waiting for. that day frightens me

    thanks for replying.

    oh shit. my posts are in no way saying suicide is a good thing. because it (and the circumstances leading to it) never are.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your therapist didn't work then try a new one It takes time to find a therapist that you can click with. therapy does work if you get the right T one who can truly relate to you and your problems. Why not try again like with anything there are good and not so good T Try again as it may just help you this time. There are new meds out there now ones with less side effects and are more effective for depression. I am glad you are here too because there is alot of supportive and kind people here.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    I just want to say that I've read your post and I hope you can get through his :hug:

    Im around if you need to talk!
  7. sr123

    sr123 Member

    Also remember that psychotherapy is only one part of dealing with these issues. There is medication (several types, as well as alternative combinations if your initial diagnosis isn't accurate), behavioral therapy, and other more advanced treatments out there.
  8. Knightless

    Knightless Member

    I guess i'm hesitant. i have to book an assessment to get things rolling again by the end of next week. but its an assessment to see if psychotherapy is the best option - like a test. and its literally hours away. with the old therapy it seemed to just be talking about the past, and i wasn't guided on how to move towards the future. and i was assessed with the old therapy ages ago. but i dunno what 'mark' i was given. i don't really know what's wrong with me. only been told bits of this and that and maybes.

    why is it that someone else i know can see a doc about something unrelated to mental health, and somehow come out of the appointment with a diagnosis and medication? yet i spend years trying to move on with my life and get screwed?

    once i finalize where im living, then i might look for something new and closer. but my past is like i was dead. i dont count it as being alive in any way. which includes the way things are now. its like i put my life in other people's hands. i cant stand the idea of anyone - even a therapist (no offence meant)- having that control anymore. i want what i was never allowed to do - live MY life. and move on. i just need to find a therapist who generally looks to the future to find solutions instead of the past. which probably means i am about to make my 'life' even harder. :poo:

    too many IIIIs in this post.
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