Am I allowed to call myself "okay?"

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by goodenough, Feb 2, 2014.

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  1. goodenough

    goodenough New Member

    Am I allowed to call myself "okay?" I can't help shake off the feeling that given the circumstances, the state of being okay, whatever that means, is supposed to be almost unattainable (or at the very least, hard to achieve.) But I am. (Right?) Everything around me is saying that I should be. Life hasn't stopped. Everyone around me, even the couple of souls who know, is moving on with their life. The person who has molested and later raped me on almost a nightly basis is gone from our house. My laughs are hollow and my smiles are strenuous but tears no longer escape me in the shadows of the night. Letting my skin bleed and other forms of self-harm brought on by self-hatred and, dare I admit it, even self-pity, have lost their appeal (and so have other interests, but why does it matter right?)I have responsibilities to carry out and expectations to meet. I have no time to be anything other than okay.So I like to think I am. (Am I?)
    I guess numb's the word for it, isn't it? But compared to what I've been through, numb is more than okay. Maybe I'm keeping it all in but how can I be sure? What's more confusing though is that I'm afraid of what being okay means and what it makes me.
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Here are a few questions for you:

    1. When you think on your rape and molestations.... do you still flinch?
    2. Do you ever have nightmares about those things?
    3. Do you think on those things never, seldom, sometimes, or frequently?
    4. What things do you enjoy?
    5. What do you want for your life.... both as far as how do you want to feel as an overall and what things/people do you want in your life and what goals do you have?

    If you want, you can respond to me with those answers..... and I will give you an opinion on your original question based upon those answers. If you would prefer to inbox me, feel free.

    Please take care.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can call yourself ok hun if it helps you in the moment then yes i too understand that numb feeling and yes it is better then feeling anything hugs to you
     
  4. goodenough

    goodenough New Member

    Ok...

    1. Only in really bad days now, I guess...
    2. Oddly enough, I've never had nightmares even when things were at their worst. I just never dreamed. I feel like that's not normal...
    3. With all the things I have to do in life as of the moment, I guess seldom.
    4. I used to enjoy writing very much... Now I just feel uninspired and unmotivated.
    5. In the end, I just want to be content with everything...With what I have, with who I am, with what I do, with whom I am with, etc. Happiness, I guess, is too much to ask for.
     
  5. goodenough

    goodenough New Member

    I guess all I'm just asking is that, how can I be convinced that things are fine when it's not supposed to be?
     
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