Am I alone with this or can others relate?

[stapmatt]

To start I will say I am 35 years old next week and still live with my parents.

My mental health and mood swings are so bad that I have no friends. I have literally scrambled through a degree, masters and PhD through both ease in terms of the work but difficulty in that colleagues have issued formal complaints about frustrations, outbursts and not being able to read social queues, whether in public or social media.

I am so alone apart from my parents. They have been my rock all my life since I began getting severely bullied at school from an early age.

I cry myself to sleep most nights as I can't maintain any friendships, volatile relationships. it's like at almost 35, I still havent, socially, gone beyond 12 years of age, although intellectually and creatively I'm mature.

My parents are now getting into their late 60s and I've come to realise how even more lonely my life would be when they do eventually pass away. I know for absolute certainty that when my parents do eventually leave this world, I shall be immediately joining them in a grave next to them.

(crying writing this message) thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

 

[may71]

Hugs Matt

I wonder if you could have something like Asperger's syndrome. I think not understanding social cues is supposed to be part of that.

 

[1964dodge]

hi mat i'm sorry that you are struggling some right now. obviously you are very smart to have gotten that far. work with your professional help to find a way to help you be more social. as a start hang around here and make friends . if you talk to people in the different threads you'll make friends in no time. i know it's not irl but it's a start. now is the time to become emotionaly stable while your parents are still alive and you can still use their help. if you ever want to talk feel free to inbox me. i hope you feel better soon..mike..

 

[kittykatt]

First let me say how sorry i am that your going through all of this. No one should have to go through this and especially not alone. Mike is right. You need to address your problems while your parents are alive so that you have the time to figure out, not only what the problems are, the cause of them, and solutions to those problems. The solutions need to be things that you can not only accept but also live with. If you feel comfortable doing it, get into the chat rooms. It is a good way to meet the other members of SF and to make friends.

Good luck and welcome to SF.

 

[dandelion s]

To start I will say I am 35 years old next week and still live with my parents.

My mental health and mood swings are so bad that I have no friends. I have literally scrambled through a degree, masters and PhD through both ease in terms of the work but difficulty in that colleagues have issued formal complaints about frustrations, outbursts and not being able to read social queues, whether in public or social media.

I am so alone apart from my parents. They have been my rock all my life since I began getting severely bullied at school from an early age.

I cry myself to sleep most nights as I can't maintain any friendships, volatile relationships. it's like at almost 35, I still havent, socially, gone beyond 12 years of age, although intellectually and creatively I'm mature.

My parents are now getting into their late 60s and I've come to realise how even more lonely my life would be when they do eventually pass away. I know for absolute certainty that when my parents do eventually leave this world, I shall be immediately joining them in a grave next to them.

(crying writing this message) thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

I agree with @may71 . as i was reading your post i was thinking of my comments to the same effect.
I have been diagnosed with many things but most recently my psychologist/therapist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s. i have no friends. i am married though, but i constantly feel alone and unable to communicate. I have a master’s degree. i have been in my field for over 25 years (recently laid off). so i give the appearance of being capable and successful but something is greatly lacking. (got a lot of other issues too but that can be saved for another time). so i do relate even if my situation is very different from yours. my therapist always says “...thats because you are an aspy...” right after a make certain comments about myself. i still don’t know but do suspect she’s right. i have some information about an organization for people on the Autism Spectrum if you’d like to contact them. that may provide interesting information.

 

[Walker]

Hi again
You're clearly an intelligent and articulate person. Someone mentioned being on the spectrum up above and I was already thinking that when I read the comment. Not that it would make a difference in highly practical terms but is that something you've looked into? You might be thinking that you are "too old" to be diagnosed with something or that it wouldn't matter at this point but we're finding people older and older these days with spectrum related neurodiversity and there are a lot of skills you can employ to make things somewhat easier for yourself if that's the case. Hell, even if you didn't want to get an actual diagnosis you might find some of those skill useful for learning to recognize social cues and such, right? I would honestly suggest looking into some groups for "Adult autism" or "adult aspergers" etc. (There are loads of them out there)

I'm glad you have your parents for support, it sounds like you need each other. I find zero shame in living with your parents. Do you help them? Do they like you being there? (You sound like this is a mutually beneficial relationship) If so then everyone else can piss off about it if they think things. It's between the 3 of you and no one else. I don't think it makes you look or sound like a loser or any such thing. I think helping with your parents is a valuable thing that Americans are somewhat lacking to be honest.

I hope you keep posting and find continued support here.

 

[Gonz]

Hey, just wanted to drop in and second what Walker is saying right above me. It's actually something he and I were talking about very recently. I'm in my late thirties and a few years ago parked a trailer next to my parents house and started living there. And yeah, I think I kinda know what you mean. I mean, our situations are different but my folks are in the same age range as yours, and I'm kinda planning to off myself after they go, however many years in the future that may be.

But, in the meantime, I'm glad that you've found this place. I really hope you stick around for a good long while, this is very much the kind of space where people who don't "fit in" anywhere else can find a place.

 

[Champagne]

To start I will say I am 35 years old next week and still live with my parents.

My mental health and mood swings are so bad that I have no friends. I have literally scrambled through a degree, masters and PhD through both ease in terms of the work but difficulty in that colleagues have issued formal complaints about frustrations, outbursts and not being able to read social queues, whether in public or social media.

I am so alone apart from my parents. They have been my rock all my life since I began getting severely bullied at school from an early age.

I cry myself to sleep most nights as I can't maintain any friendships, volatile relationships. it's like at almost 35, I still havent, socially, gone beyond 12 years of age, although intellectually and creatively I'm mature.

My parents are now getting into their late 60s and I've come to realise how even more lonely my life would be when they do eventually pass away. I know for absolute certainty that when my parents do eventually leave this world, I shall be immediately joining them in a grave next to them.

(crying writing this message) thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

Hi there, when I read your post the first thing that came to my mind, especially when you mentioned ''social queues'' is ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, do you think that could be what is going on for you? I don't know where you are from but there is help for it in most places.

You're obviously very intelligent and articulate but your life can change if you get the help you desperately need. Would you consult in your doctor? Have you ever had friends or always felt ''different''?

I really am sorry that you are finding yourself in so much pain but help and support is here and in real life.

Please keep talking to us okay? *wipes up your tears*

 

[stapmatt]

I agree with @may71 . as i was reading your post i was thinking of my comments to the same effect.

Hello, thank you so much for responding. if you have some information that would be great.

 

[stapmatt]

Hi again
You're clearly an intelligent and articulate person. Someone mentioned being on the spectrum up above and I was already thinking that when I read the comment. Not that it would make a difference in highly practical terms but is that something you've looked into? You might be thinking that you are "too old" to be diagnosed with something or that it wouldn't matter at this point but we're finding people older and older these days with spectrum related neurodiversity and there are a lot of skills you can employ to make things somewhat easier for yourself if that's the case. Hell, even if you didn't want to get an actual diagnosis you might find some of those skill useful for learning to recognize social cues and such, right? I would honestly suggest looking into some groups for "Adult autism" or "adult aspergers" etc. (There are loads of them out there)

I'm glad you have your parents for support, it sounds like you need each other. I find zero shame in living with your parents. Do you help them? Do they like you being there? (You sound like this is a mutually beneficial relationship) If so then everyone else can piss off about it if they think things. It's between the 3 of you and no one else. I don't think it makes you look or sound like a loser or any such thing. I think helping with your parents is a valuable thing that Americans are somewhat lacking to be honest.

I hope you keep posting and find continued support here.

Thank you so much for your message. I am in the UK and I assume like in the USA, you are expected to leave home at 18. I have previously moved away temporarily for University and found I was calling my parents about 3 times per day.

I feel sorry for my parents as they love having me at home as I go to soccer and golf with my dad. But neighbours, friends and other family members mock me for being 34 and living at home still.

I will check out groups for adult Asperger's and adult autism. One interesting thing I have just seen is that some people with Autism walk on their tiptoes. I have done this my whole life. My parents took me to a doctor about it when I were younger and he informed I would grow out of it. but I never did. my calves are absolutely huge and the strain and tension I have put on them over the years has started to take its toll when trying to woke.

but up until just now I didn't realise the link between walking on toes and autism.

 

[stapmatt]

Thank you so much everyone for the lovely messages. It is so heartwarming but also so sad that such lovely people have mental health difficulties. I am such an outsider at university despite them knowing about my mental health as I have been in and out of therapy for the past 10 years

 

[Walker]

I feel sorry for my parents as they love having me at home as I go to soccer and golf with my dad. But neighbours, friends and other family members mock me for being 34 and living at home still.

This is absolutely no ones business but your own. You can tell these people that you help your parents or you can tell them nothing at all. It's purely between the three of you. That is absolute nonsense that you need to explain your living arrangements with anyone. If you lived in a mansion would you have to explain? A tiny house? Were homeless?

Being expected to leave the house at 18 is a thing of the past. I realize that some people are still kind of living in that societal expectation - and that 34 would be viewed as being "too old" but whatever standards - but leaving the house at 18 isn't really a thing anymore. I wonder what the real average age of leaving home is these days. Most kids aren't out of the house in their early 20's I bet. But again, being home at ANY age isn't a problem if you aren't just hiding in the basement staring at porn and uttering mono syllabic phrases at your parents every other day as you pass in the corridors.

What you describe - and the obvious intelligence and articulation of your post - really strongly make me believe you are sitting on the autism spectrum somewhere. You don't need a diagnosis to read up on that and start feeling out some skills that could help you. Plenty of adults are being diagnosed these days and are living perfectly great, healthy, wonderful lives - especially after realizing it and coming to terms with just adjusting a few things and having that "aha!" moment of not being "defective" or "stupid". You obviously aren't either of those.

Matt

 

[Butterfly]

I'm also in the UK. I'm 29 and live with my parents. I did have some time where I lived with my ex's but now I'm back with my parents after suffering from 2 horrific breakdowns.

I also thought you might be on the autism spectrum reading your post. Speak about it with your GP and see if they will refer you to a specialist.

 

[dandelion s]

Hello, thank you so much for responding. if you have some information that would be great.

https://www.aane.org/
This organization is in north Easter USA. I'm in New York and have attended their support group meetings (IRL) a few times. They have online support too. They can provide a lot of information. I don't know where you are, but maybe they can lead you to support in your area. I hope you can use this information.

 

[Tana]

26 and still live with my mom...it's killing me. But mental health was also the culprit. Is.
I haven't even had a "real job" yet...ever, and couldn't even finish high school due to severe social anxiety...I let it rule over me, now I'm swallowing what I feed.

 

[stapmatt]

Thanks so much for everyone's support. I am going to make sure I get the psychological help I need. whether that be with the British NHS system or private. I have met the most amazing woman called Julie and I am going to ask her to marry me soon. I've been with her 7 months.

I am also very scared to lose her everyday and fear one of my outbursts will make her want to leave me. she is the most amazingly caring human being ever.

I also need to work on demonstrating my affection for her. she shows it all the time and I'm always quite shy. I think that comes down to the bullying about my appearance at school and not genuinely believing someone like her would even look at me twice.

it's been great to get everyone's replies and taking their time to read this.

 

[1964dodge]

Hey, just wanted to drop in and second what Walker is saying right above me. It's actually something he and I were talking about very recently. I'm in my late thirties and a few years ago parked a trailer next to my parents house and started living there. And yeah, I think I kinda know what you mean. I mean, our situations are different but my folks are in the same age range as yours, and I'm kinda planning to off myself after they go, however many years in the future that may be.

But, in the meantime, I'm glad that you've found this place. I really hope you stick around for a good long while, this is very much the kind of space where people who don't "fit in" anywhere else can find a place.

i understand your situation. after almost losing my wife twice. i'm not asking you to move on because i do understand but i hope someday you can make peace with it and move on. but even if you can't i hope you can find a reason to keep living after your parents pass. feel free to inbox me anytime you want...mike...

 

[M...]

To start I will say I am 35 years old next week and still live with my parents.

My mental health and mood swings are so bad that I have no friends. I have literally scrambled through a degree, masters and PhD through both ease in terms of the work but difficulty in that colleagues have issued formal complaints about frustrations, outbursts and not being able to read social queues, whether in public or social media.

I am so alone apart from my parents. They have been my rock all my life since I began getting severely bullied at school from an early age.

I cry myself to sleep most nights as I can't maintain any friendships, volatile relationships. it's like at almost 35, I still havent, socially, gone beyond 12 years of age, although intellectually and creatively I'm mature.

My parents are now getting into their late 60s and I've come to realise how even more lonely my life would be when they do eventually pass away. I know for absolute certainty that when my parents do eventually leave this world, I shall be immediately joining them in a grave next to them.

(crying writing this message) thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

I know how u feel, someone with ur witt, shoildnt be carinh about human looking assholes
I go through the same things daily
Only difference is that i am 17
And youmger generations are even worse

 

[kangaroo2]

Many people do not look down on people who live with their parents. People who have lived with their parents all their lives are able to adjust to losing one or both parents.

 

[iloverachel]

To start I will say I am 35 years old next week and still live with my parents.

My mental health and mood swings are so bad that I have no friends. I have literally scrambled through a degree, masters and PhD through both ease in terms of the work but difficulty in that colleagues have issued formal complaints about frustrations, outbursts and not being able to read social queues, whether in public or social media.

I am so alone apart from my parents. They have been my rock all my life since I began getting severely bullied at school from an early age.

I cry myself to sleep most nights as I can't maintain any friendships, volatile relationships. it's like at almost 35, I still havent, socially, gone beyond 12 years of age, although intellectually and creatively I'm mature.

My parents are now getting into their late 60s and I've come to realise how even more lonely my life would be when they do eventually pass away. I know for absolute certainty that when my parents do eventually leave this world, I shall be immediately joining them in a grave next to them.

(crying writing this message) thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

Wish i could be your friend if you lived in sydney. I feel the same way except im younger and have a few friends but i rarely see then