Am I Being Horrible?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Anam_Cara, Sep 13, 2008.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    i just want to know what everyone thinks.. i have a dilema... and i want to know im not being too harsh here...

    over the years ive had friends whom i was very close to and would have backed anytime they needed my support, im the kind of person who is very loving and giving and would give those i care for the shirt off my back... i ask one thing in return.. don't stab me in the back ...

    well to make a long story short i have a friend or former friend as the case is, who i have known for about 6 1/2 years online, hadnt met but we had spoken by phone, text, email and messenger for years.. even wrote one another by regular mail.. anyway, in april/may cant remember which, this friend told me that she wanted me to come out and stay with her, be a roomate, now i had been through a devastating situation just a month or two before where someone i knew online flaked out and showed their true colors, it cost on every leval financial, moral, spiritual, emotional, and basically destroyed my life im still not fully recovered from the first situation.. friend #2 was sympathetic... understood my situation and wanted to help me get out and start a new life or so i thought.. and they said... we arranged for me to fly out in july for a concert that she wanted me to attend with her, then the plan was that i would stay with her in her sister and brother in law's home, which is also a business owned by sister, she is employed by them and makes good money told me that my financial situation and health situation didnt matter that she made enough even if i couldnt work we'd be okay and that she planned to get in a place by august.. of course i wanted to know what her sister thought if it was okay or not, and she assured me it was.. said not to worry just relax. even talking to her sister on the phone i asked "are you SURE its okay if i come there?" and her sis said yes of course it was fine.. that they looked forward to it.. i breathed a sigh of relief, this came just in time, my family had a deadline on being out of the house we were staying in so i had pressure on me to get out and find a place anyway... being short of options and believing this friend i had trusted for years wasnt going to hurt me i agreed to come stay... and looked forward to what i thought was a new start... i felt hope.. should have known id get screwed over...

    i was there about 3 weeks when one day her brother in law comes strolling out asking me non chalantly if i had made my travel arrangements.. i raised a brow and asked "travel arrangements?" and he said "yeah, you've been here a few weeks and should be making arrangements for your trip back" smiled and walked off.. i was completely confused, my family had told me they couldnt afford to fund anymore airline or bus tickets before i left, and told me be SURE because they didnt have the funds to bring me back.. so i had told my friend that and she said "you wont be going back, dont worry" so here i was, confused as hell why i was being asked to make arrangements... i confronted my friend and her sister about it, told her sister that i was under the impression that i was staying until we got into a place and could be roomates.. suffice it to say her sister had NEVER heard those plans before, my friend hadnt even TOLD her what we were intending, had told her sister that i was just coming for a "visit" guess she was gonna break the news later that i was staying until we got in a place.. in fact her family had no idea SHE was even moving out.. apparently she had told them that i was extending my plane ticket to visit longer.. When i corrected my friend in front of her sister and asked why she had told me that i was welcome to stay until we got in a placewhen she hadnt even told them that was the plan.. well she blew up stormed off in tears telling me i was "screaming" at her and locked herself in her room sulking.. i stayed out in the living room and talked to her sister apologizing for what wasnt my fault, said her sis had told me everything was okay, that everyone was on the same page and offered my sincere regret that i had imposed that long.. her sister said she'd talk it over with her and later on we all sat down and talked together the 3 of us, barring the brother in law who is an a**hole.. he didnt like me and wanted me gone anyway so my friends sis said to let her break it to him herself that i was gonna stay longer and why.. she offered to help me look for work and get on state medical.. i thought wow, okay we had an issue but its resolved.. :blink: it wasnt.. i grew uncomfortable a week later when i overheard her sister complaining about me being there, sleeping on her couch, etc.. she said some very cruel things about me, very hurtful things which after hearing i was very reluctant to stay there, i called family and told them i wanted to come back but they said they couldnt afford to bring me back that my friend should rightfully pay the fare since she brought me out there on false pretenses.. i was stuck now, family couldnt bring me back and my friend wasnt about to pay.. yeah right.. so i went to her sister, confronted her and told her what i had heard and told her if i had to hitch hike id get out of her home if i was a problem.. her sister told me no no that wasnt it, that she was over stressed, and unprepared for someone staying long term, she explained she was having a meltdown.. she confessed that my friend had slacked off on her job duties since i had come, was neglecting to do things that were necessary to do.. and the people depending on my friend for their survival were suffering, my friend is a care giver and she wasnt tending to the people's needs which resulted in one lost client right after i arrived which cost her sister a loss of 40k a year.. so she said it wasnt ME, that she was angry at her sister for letting her job go to hell... she told me i was still welcome to stay and i forgave her horrible rant but deep down i knew i wanted to leave first chance i got..

    well i left a few weeks later, had to threaten suicide to family before they rounded up the plane ticket fare, on the day before i left the brother in law comes out and informs me if i dont have gas money there is no way to get to the airport to call family for MORE money, i blew up and started crying told him my friend KNEW before i came that i had NO money, family had borrow it until their paycheck (which wouldnt come for a week after i got home) and i said i couldnt get more from them i had gotten all i could.. he confronted my friend started yelling at her asking YOU KNEW SHE HAD NO MONEY??? YOU KNEW THIS AND ASKED HER TO COME? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO DO SUPPORT HER A**??? i looked at her and asked pleadingly for her to tell the truth said YOU KNEW! and told me to come anyway!! my friend jumped up got in my face raging told me to shut up and not talk to her again, then ran off into the garage hiding, i went outside frantic and called family telling them now i had NO way to get to the airport without gas money... and all the while i could hear my friend and her family discussing what a piece of shit i was, how i had rudely come invited myself, how i had lived off them like a parasite for a month, how i had not done a damn thing to show appreciation, called me names, made fun of me, completely ripped me apart saying i was no good, and how i had drained them of food, time, money, slept on their couch etc.. it was the most hurtful things i had ever heard before... and to hear my FRIEND agreeing and SAYING those things after SHE invited me under false pretenses...

    now bear in mind i cleaned their kitchen, vaccumed, helped with house work, even cleaned her sisters childrens rooms (her brother in law told me point blank to clean up the kids rooms because they wouldnt ) i would never ask someone who was a guest to clean up my kids mess but thats just me.. anyway i did so on 3 occasions when i was sick and could barely walk.. had been to the ER twice while visiting.. thats not quite showing my unappreciation :mellow: i TRIED to help...

    i made it home, family sent more for gas for them and i got home, but heres the catch... my friend just contacted me after all she has done acting like nothing was wrong, and we were still the best of friends... shes contacted a few times now actually but each time i point out that she betrayed me and how i dont consider her a friend after that.. i told her again today i ALWAYS back my friends, id do anything to help someone i care for BUT she betrayed me, let me face the firing squad and said NOTHING to back me when she KNEW that she was in the wrong.. she had no guts, and i said i am declining her friendship and wished her a good life..

    my question am i being horrible for closing the door on our friendship? she betrayed me, hurt me, lied to me and her family, and then turned her back on me leaving me to take the blame for what i didnt cause... i am a reasonable person, shes asked for my forgiveness but somehow i cant forgive what she did to me, or for sending me back into the situation i was in after she promised i wouldnt have to...
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think your friend has some real problems that need to be taken care of. I would not encourage a friendship in person, but if you feel comfortable talking to her online, then you could do that. You are not being terrible should you decide to terminate this relationship. You are probably better off in the long run.
  3. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    thank you gentlelady... i honestly at this point in my life do not need any more stress and hurt.. im dealing with enough and really do feel that what she did to me was the final straw... just wanted others opinions on this...

    shes mentally unstable and only served to add to MY instability and stress instead of help it.. plus i couldnt trust someone like that to be a "roomate" if she cant even handle being "honest" to her family and tell them things why would i believe she would be any different with me?

    ugh ive had enough instability the past ten or eleven years i dont need this..

    thank you for offering your thoughts
  4. Arcturus

    Arcturus Active Member

    That story is very sad, especially for someone like me (who is preparing to meet an online friend IRL). Your (ex-)friend is probably undergoing serious emotional issues, and if you can't handle being treated like scum (which most of us can't !!) then you did the right thing. I know what you mean about being willing to give your friends anything - I feel the same way. But you (and I) have to remember to think of ourselves too. Staying in an emotionally unhealthy "friendship" would not be a good option for you.

    I felt really bad for you, reading this. Hoping for a better life with someone who you (think you) know very well, and then being let down is a very difficult thing.

    So to answer your question: No, you are not being horrible. Your (ex-)friend was being horrible to you.

    Again, I'm really sorry this all happened, and I hope you can still trust other (internet) people; most of the people here (from what I can tell) would have treated you better. Although, in the future, it's probably not a great idea to live with a person who you have never met, just because living environments tend to produce heated emotions, etc. I'm not saying you are at fault, it's just probably better to take things more slowly in the future.

    Take care,
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