Am I being Selfish by Starting A Relationship Now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Azmodius, Jul 27, 2010.

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  1. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    First of all, sorry for my absence if anyone noticed, I just knew in my current state I would have struggled giving objective advice, I regret that a lot.

    I have been stood on the very edge, peering into the precipice, for a few weeks now, it's gotten steadily worse. I'd said my goodbyes, decided on a date, and gathered what I needed.

    Then, randomly, I went back to see friends for a birthday. It was impulsive, but I decided to do it. I met a girl I had spoken to the previous few weeks for the majority of the night. She's sweet, beautiful, kind but a little innocent.
    We kissed just before parting ways, not in the usual crass way, but genuinely pleasant, soft, pretty much perfect. I knew this was the beginning.

    Since then, we've been in constant contact, I have initially arranged to meet her again this weekend. My mood was good for the last couple of days, in the first time in years (still low, but much better and hopeful). According to her friend, she has been just as gleeful (in a churlish, childlike way). I actually smiled non stop when she said she missed me!

    The advice I need is complicated. I'm still very suicidal, still constantly in pain. She lessens this, I've literally never felt this way about a person (I've had enough relationships to comment!).

    Am I being selfish exposing her to this? She's an adult (23), but still relatively innocent. All my previous relationships broke down because, and I quote, 'You're just so depressed, it's too intense, I can't cope, no one could!' (last girlfriend!)

    Is it fair to put her through me, through my nightmare of a life as it currently stands? I know it's jumping the gun, because we're not technically involved yet. But I guess I want honest advice. If I'm still suicidal, should I even entertain such an idea of beginning a relationship like this with a sweet person who could struggle with my depression (even if I do feel better around her)?

    Please be honest, irrespective of whether it's blunt, upsetting, aggressive, angry, happy, annoyed etc. I would like genuine, honest advice, would you do it in my position!

    Sorry, long post, as per usual!
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would take this as a sign that things can get better do not give up! I do not think it is unfair to like someone. I would just be open and honest with her. :) :hug:
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    are you having therapy, counselling, meds for your SI thoughts and depression?
    If you are doing all you can to help yourself then no reason not to have a relationship....
    Hope it works out for you
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I think it's great that you've found someone you feel that strongly for! I can understand your worries but I think as long as you're open and honest with her from the start (whenever you two get to the official "dating" part) then it should be her choice. As long as she's warned of the issue, I don't see what the problem is. It's her life too, and her happiness as well as yours that gets effected as a result. If you make it clear that you like her enough to date, then as long as she's up for it regardless of your issues then that's her choice to make and you should allow her that.

    Besides that, she makes you feel different to how the others made you feel (by your own admission, you've never felt this way before), so you may not be as low and depressed with her as you were with the others. At the same time though, I'd recommend you not getting too attached to her. I'm not saying that things won't last, but given your depression and I guess you could say, instability, it's best to be careful in these situations and don't get *too* emotionally invested.
  5. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Cheers Daphna, hopefully.

    IV2010, I'm currently on meds, seeing a Psychiatric Doctor, Mental Health Nurses, receiving counseling AND now going to the mental health team daily for consistent assessment and monitoring (forced really!). So, pretty much the whole lot! Cheers for the wishes.
  6. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    I'm all too aware of the conversations I need to have with her, they're always difficult! But hopefully she can stick with me! You're right though, early days yet, so might evaporate. I'll be restrained! Honesty is always my first port of call in these issues!

    Just part of me hopes it could lift my mood! Still, I'm a realist, if it doesn't work, well, meh!

    Thank you for the reply, very useful. Also honest, good and bad! Thank you lots!:smile:
  7. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    I will tell you that I have been married for 5 years I am 27 my wife is 34 she knew nothing of my depression when we got married I didn't think to tell her because I thought marriage would take most of my pain away. I was wrong and it didn't. She survived 2 suicide attempts with me one of which brought me as close to death as one could get without actually dying.

    Do I feel guilty for bringing her into my life? Yes I do. I'm not going to lie, if I could go back in time I would have chosen to never met her simply because she doesn't deserve the pain I have cause her from my own severe depression. However she has been more than understanding and has stuck by my side.

    I would let her get to know you more and wait until she makes a decision if she loves you or not before you tell her anything. If she really loves you and has the strength she will stand by you but it is very hard for anyone to stand by people like us so do not blame her if she can't. But remember there is always hope without it our species would be lost to the dark abyss.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Simon. I don't think that it's selfish of you to have a relationship with her, even though you're suffering from depression. If being with her helps to keep your spirits up, then I think a supportive relationship would be positive for you. I also think that you should be honest with her and let her know that you are dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts so that she knows what she is getting herself into. Many people are unable to cope with a suicidal boyfriend/girlfriend.
  9. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Life is unpredictable. You might save each other. Honesty and love can save anyone. Do your best!!!! Im praying that you both find love.
  10. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Cheers everyone, different answers and all great. Really appreciated.
    If I'm out of contact for a while, it usual means I can't get on here for a reason, so meh!
    But thank you for your advice, and honesty. I'll have a good long think, be honest with her and see what happens. Don't want to heart another person, so suppose I'll consider closely!

    Marty and Dave, cheers for the positivity, I hope this'll be the case.

    Edgar, this is the scenario that worries me! I'm sorry to here about your situation, it worries me I'll end up the same. But you're right, there's hope, for both of us!

    Cheers everyone, PM if you need help from me!
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