Am I beyond help?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Son of Dawn, Dec 14, 2009.

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  1. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Nobody can help me.

    Your platitudes are lies, positivity is lie.

    Memes are lies.

    Happiness is a lie.

    It's darkness withing darkness where there is no light, tormented by the hope of the hope of light.

    There's no sympathy without mind control attached.

    Yes, I'm suicidal.

    You want proof? I'm bleeding out my head right now from a fight last night I don't even remember.

    I don't even CARE that I'm bleeding out my head. It's not a big issue. It happens sometimes.

    I'm very nice actually. When I get into these fights, I don't even swing.

    I dont' want to hurt anyone cept myself.

    I don't want to hurt actually. I want to die.

    I want the torment to end.

    It's day and night, it almost never stops.

    And every time I grasp onto hope, all I get is more tragedy.

    This life of mine just gets progressively worse and worse.

    And all anyone can tell me is "get over it" but I can't.

    I just can't. I can't get over any of it.

    I hate God, I want to murder him.

    I love God, He is eveything to me.

    Maybe all I have.

    No friends, no family.

    I can't even talk to my coworkers, it's amazing that I even can function at work.

    Every day is an ordeal.

    I don't want to talk to anyone. Every relationship ends badly.

    People can't control themselves around me. I have that effect on them.

    Every year of my life a new home, a new GF. Every company I work for collapses, year after year. Everyone I love betrays me, again and again.

    I kind of understand, they can't cope with me. I bring pain to everyone.

    It's always been this way. It's the pattern of life, and mathematical coincidence it is not.

    I get no sympathy. Anyone who HELPS me has a string attached.

    I end up helping THEM. And they turn on me.

    And I'm left worse off.

    When people speak I don't hear their words, but rather why they are saying them.

    It's the only language I know.

    Because everything that can be formulated into thought is corrupt, a lie.

    Lies upon lies. Sophisticated lies, simple lies, white lies and black lies, timeless lies and newly innovated lies. I could go on categorizing lies all day.

    All I see I evil. That's all there is.

    And everyone just ignores or justifies it.

    You have *nothing* to teach *me*.

    I am a kind man, I am polite to a fault, and I keep my words.

    I am aslo a sinner.

    I had sex with 15 women in one month.

    Sounds good, yes? It's a fkn nightmare. I hate myself all the more for it.

    I turned to lust because love betrays me.

    I'm so alone for so long, that's about the only human interaction I'm still capable of.

    A sinner of the highest order. I'm dripping with SIN, it comes out my eyes, but yet my heart is still like GOLD. I can't understand it.

    I've retained my essence. Somehow.

    And I do take some *pride* in that.

    I *know* God will help me if I ask Him to.

    But I'd rather die and burn in Hell than bow.
  2. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    LOL! I just read my own post again.

    How's *that* for insanity?

    I took a schizophrenia exam online and scored THROUGH THE ROOF.

    I think I got high score. Hahaha, they should show the rankings with three letter all caps initials, like 80s arcade games.
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Doesn't sound insane to me. You should see some of the posts around here, including many of my own. :wink: I know what it's like to be in that state of mind, where you just have to say something to someone, doesn't truly matter what or whom, so you just find an audience and turn on the stream of consciousness and see what flows. That's the biggest reason I even post here; I'm damned if I think I can actually be helped.

    You mentioned God and sin a few times. Do you consider yourself a religious person?
  4. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    No I'm not religious. I'm anti-religion, but I hold a strong belief in the Creator.

    It's nuanced.

    One can be be theistic without following a doctrine.

    I'm anti-doctrine. Atheists, Christians, whatever... they usually come into conflict with me.

    I don't know why though, I'm very accepting of others beliefs.

    So how about you? Are you signed on to any -isms?
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you ever tried saying anything like this to a professional?
    Seriously, I think you need to see someone if only to get out of the black hole of misery you find yourself in.
    You have insight, you would do well working things thru with a therapist.
  6. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Well, for my part, I'm pretty certain there's no God and I don't follow any religion or doctrine. I just wondered, because you seemed to be concerned with the idea of sin and its consequences.

    (Welcome to the forum, by the way. Forgot to mention that.)
  7. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Atheist? Correct me if I'm wrong, I wouldn't want to put you into any compartment you don't feel comfortable in.

    Atheism is, to me, the doctrine of a universal negative -a very elaborately crafted belief system. A work of art really, a masterpiece even. A brilliant machination of the Lord Lucifer. So I do respect it.
  8. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Thnks, but I really think this a dead end. I would never believe their sincerety, and I don't think could even find one in this corner of the world I'm in.

    I mean the whole idea I would have PAY someone to care about me, it's all a bit whorish I feel.
  9. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    No, atheism is not a doctrine nor a belief system. Just like theism is neither a doctrine nor a belief system, as you correctly pointed out before.
  10. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Haha. That assertion is *always* how the atheism debate starts. But I've had that one one too many times, and it ain't why I'm here anyway.

    I'm sure you're nice enough, but most atheists just want to drag me into the framework of their belief system, and then it all turns into ping-pong.

    Better just to state our positions and leave them there, instead of traipsing over that well-worn ground for the upteenthtillioin time.

    Or to ponder the other's assertion as an intellectual exercise might be a more fruitful approach.

    Doctrine or not? I'll put on the not-a-doctrine hat today, if you put on mine.

    Yes, I'm suggesting we switch hats for a while and spare ourselves the whole rigamaroll.
  11. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I had no intention of debating or convincing you of anything. Chill out. :dry:
  12. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member


    I'm anything but chilled out.

    I'm 10 floors up right now at work, and you know, these windows are low and open straight out into open air.

    I'm a coward though, I won't do it. Too much potential for failure.

    The problem with suicide is I don't like any of the methods.

    These annoying glimmers of hope hold me back too.

    Of course they turn out to phantasms.

    But I'm a hopeless romantic, I never learn.
  13. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Tell me about it. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I'm meeting with my therapist on Tuesday- maybe I'll bring the subject up. I wonder how he'll react? When does my suicidal thinking get bad enough that he'll summon the whitecoats to come and take me away? I guess we'll find out.
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you. Finding a therapist that is sincere, and is there to help you is difficult, I've been through the whole process. But when it comes to your life, it's about helping you stay away from death and the place where you're in now- and there are sincere therapists out there that will hear your struggle.

    Read over your posts- I know you feel like you're at a dead end but look over it all- you have a lot of insight into what's going on with you. You're screaming for help here.

    What are your glimmers of hope? Do you want to talk about them here?

    Do you have any kind of support system, or people who know how unwell you are? OK, I agree, many MH workers aren't going to make you feel cared for, and won't be sincere, but when worse comes to worse, do you think you'd be able to go to your local hospital and tell them how serious you feel? Because I hear that you're serious, frightened, don't trust people and their intentions, and believe that there is only one thing left for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2009
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you'll continue to post here. You do have a lot of insight, and it seems like you have so much to say, all of which is important. Just know that you're heard here, and really listened to.
  16. Blanca

    Blanca Well-Known Member

    Join the club...........There's no way out and I know it but I also know I am a coward and won't be able to put an end to it all........not yet........Guess I am a romantic myself,I still dream that there's some hope........and that everything happens for a reason.Blah.Just the chicken in me perhaps....
  17. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Dude, I live in CHINA. I don't even want to ENTER a hospital here, they're disgusting. I've seen the ayi dip the mop into the toilet and use the water to wash the floor.

    I'd be better off bribing a Tibetan monk into giving me some happy feel good fortune telling. Or karmawise I'm sure I'd get off a lot more just handing all my money to a beggar instead of some yuppie douchebag.

    My wife will come back, my GF will come back. They're both currently MIA. I think I made them insane too.

    No, I'm gone into total isolation, because as I said before the relationships end badly. I haven't talked to my family for years and I have no friends.

    Believe me I want help, but I KNOW there's none. I chose this path to Hell. Why? I am *of* the Lord Lucifer. I asked nothing from him, only to be him and all his suffering. If he must endure alone despised and broken in the Pit, so must I.
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    There IS help though. You don't have to go through this completely alone. You can build a support system here.
  19. Son of Dawn

    Son of Dawn Member

    Thank you, that's very kind of you.

    But really I don't need all that. I just need a wife who loves me.

    That's the only thing I *want*. All I need her to do is to *believe* LOVE is DIVINE, a thing of Heaven and therefore precious beyond all other worldy things. That'd be enough.

    I hate this filth of his society. My door is literally flanked by two "hair salons".
    Red lights and all, full of very attractive scantily clad *****s lounging in the window, trying to coax me in. I come home to this every night, but I've never let them lure me in, even when I've been drunk, which is often.

    Well some time ago they gave up trying. I like them being there though, I like to imagine they're my guards. I mean they really are like guards, they see eveyrthing I do, or at least all my nocturnal comings and goings. So I know it sounds funny, but they make me feel safe and secure in my home.

    And they must make a bloody fortune, there's always a nice steady stream of customers. Pffff... maybe I should give up on the whole love notion, marry one of them and put an end to my financial difficulties.
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I know you don't want to, but when worse comes to worse- the cleanliness of floors in bathrooms might be the least of your worries, unless you're OCD about these things, Are you? I used to sleep on mattresses covered in puke in hospitals to keep myself 'safe' in an ward that was dangerous to me. I didn't even notice that until 2 weeks later. And I live in LONDON. I'm just reminding you that the option is there, as a very last resort.

    Not all therapists are yuppie douchebags, believe me I've met many that are like that- completely profit oriented and soulless.

    It can take a lot of hard work and effort to get better and find help that suits you- then again you know yourself best.
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