Nobody can help me. Your platitudes are lies, positivity is lie. Memes are lies. Happiness is a lie. It's darkness withing darkness where there is no light, tormented by the hope of the hope of light. There's no sympathy without mind control attached. Yes, I'm suicidal. You want proof? I'm bleeding out my head right now from a fight last night I don't even remember. I don't even CARE that I'm bleeding out my head. It's not a big issue. It happens sometimes. I'm very nice actually. When I get into these fights, I don't even swing. I dont' want to hurt anyone cept myself. I don't want to hurt actually. I want to die. I want the torment to end. It's day and night, it almost never stops. And every time I grasp onto hope, all I get is more tragedy. This life of mine just gets progressively worse and worse. And all anyone can tell me is "get over it" but I can't. I just can't. I can't get over any of it. I hate God, I want to murder him. I love God, He is eveything to me. Maybe all I have. No friends, no family. I can't even talk to my coworkers, it's amazing that I even can function at work. Every day is an ordeal. I don't want to talk to anyone. Every relationship ends badly. People can't control themselves around me. I have that effect on them. Every year of my life a new home, a new GF. Every company I work for collapses, year after year. Everyone I love betrays me, again and again. I kind of understand, they can't cope with me. I bring pain to everyone. It's always been this way. It's the pattern of life, and mathematical coincidence it is not. I get no sympathy. Anyone who HELPS me has a string attached. I end up helping THEM. And they turn on me. And I'm left worse off. When people speak I don't hear their words, but rather why they are saying them. It's the only language I know. Because everything that can be formulated into thought is corrupt, a lie. Lies upon lies. Sophisticated lies, simple lies, white lies and black lies, timeless lies and newly innovated lies. I could go on categorizing lies all day. All I see I evil. That's all there is. And everyone just ignores or justifies it. You have *nothing* to teach *me*. I am a kind man, I am polite to a fault, and I keep my words. I am aslo a sinner. I had sex with 15 women in one month. Sounds good, yes? It's a fkn nightmare. I hate myself all the more for it. I turned to lust because love betrays me. I'm so alone for so long, that's about the only human interaction I'm still capable of. A sinner of the highest order. I'm dripping with SIN, it comes out my eyes, but yet my heart is still like GOLD. I can't understand it. I've retained my essence. Somehow. And I do take some *pride* in that. I *know* God will help me if I ask Him to. But I'd rather die and burn in Hell than bow.