Am I beyond repair...?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JigsawJohn, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. JigsawJohn

    JigsawJohn Well-Known Member

    My life is a mess. I started out being disapointed with the whole world and threatened to kill myself already at the age of 4. When I tell this, people never believe me. How is that even possible? How can a 4 year old even have any concepts of life and death? I don't know, but I have a strong feeling that I somehow knew things about life before anyone told me. I had memories that no one could back up and I was certain I was someone else than who I really was. Those memories where real to me. Very real.

    I was miserable through early school even though my life wasn't that bad at all. My family understanding, kind, loving and alltogether. A perfect little standard family in a pretty big house with cats, dogs and horses. All cute and fuzzy but still I was really miserable. At the ages 10 through 12 I really fell into my darkness. I decided I wanted to end my life on my 13th birthday. That never happened though, I didn't know anything about how to go through with such a thing. But I wished it. I was certain that when I die, I would come back to my real home in a different world. After that, the numer 13 became my lucky number.

    Things became better at age 13 to 15 but I still hated my life. At 15 I fell much deeper than ever before and had my first suicide attempts the summer I turned 16. Then everything had fallen apart, I had gotten a tension headache that didn't go away for months (now I've had it for almost 8 years), never had aboyfriend but had my heart broken so many times my heart was a bleeding hole. I started to cut myself after reading about it on websites. I discovered I was bisexual and transgender but stated that I'd rather die than live like that.

    After that I've just been feeling worse, gotten more diagnoses and can probably get even more. Came out as transsexual and changed my appearence very often. I still self injured, started drinking and enjoyed taking overdoses once in as while. In the last 5 years I've probably tried suicide about 10 times, each time a little more effective than the last. The last time I almost succeeded. I OD'd and spent the night after in a hospital. My boyfriend at the time woke me up from serious seizures and he said it looked really painful, but luckily I didn't remember anything. If he hadn't called an ambulance my heart would probably have stopped that night. I wasn't even angry at him for "saving" me, but I wasn't happy about it either. It was like I had given up and just let everyone do whatever they wanted. I still wanted to die, long after that night.

    Am I just doomed to live this way, will it ever get better? After all, the darkness I've lived with has always been with me, always, from birth. There is no before and after. I have no "good" state of mind to go back to. I can't remember the first time I wanted to kill myself (my parents told me about it) and none of the... houndreds of doctors I've seen have believed me, they've just given me antidepressants (I've tried about 7 different kinds, SSRI, SNRI and so on) and a pat on my shoulder basically. I don't know what I can expect from them, but they sure haven't helped me much at all.

    What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost...
  2. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I wish I could tell you what you were supposed to do and make everything better for you. But unfortunately there isn't a clear cut answer to that. If you ever need to talk PM me or we can talk in chat, theres no reason to feel lost alone.
  3. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    I don't know, I can only offer empathy. It seems that for some of us the darkness starts early and keeps on going. Me too. Just that you're not alone in this, is all I can say. :hug: