Am I Crazy?losing It..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LILICHIPIE, Jan 10, 2008.

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    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    ive had suicidial tendancies for 7 years now, Im 22.
    Ive been highly suicidial for 10 months now.
    I have bipolar disorder. meds have never worked out, I started a new one EFFEXOR , and its been WORSE.

    By worse I mean, I have developped social phobia, talking to people makes me tired or I dont care at school, ive been browsing the web for methods, pictures of what my body would be possibly look like if I eventually kill myself, when I wake up I only see me dead, hanging, I wake up during the night with the same thought, browse the web to see if i should leave a note etc....does that sound crazy to you?

    Im from france but doing a year away, in spain, barcelona. I applied for it to make me feel better, to start a new life, new friends etc... NONE OF THIS!!!
    my suicidial tendancies follow me wherever I go.
    and its getting worse as well because I cant see a therapist here, due to the language. i only have a psychiatrist in france that i see once every month.

    so being away from my parents, the only few friends i have in france, a medication that doesnt work and those f++++ obsessions!!!!

    make me wanna die BADLY TRULY.

    Have you ever been to the point to see it as normal to see you dead, to dream about it, to ONLY think about it that you cant even get up and go to work?to look for how your body is going to look after you make it?

    what should i do??? im so desperate.
    the only things that make me stay are

    my parents. my dad would be devasted and knowing i would ruin his life just make me feel terrible and cry.
    and..the other things whats on the other side?
    Im truly scared to be damned or punished or of the nothingness. whatever if that makes sound.

    AM I Crazy? would love tro talk to people who have gotten to that point or who understand me thanks

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2008
  2. i understand u lilichipie, i always think of suicide, constantly, every time i close my eyes. Many of my dreams are to do with me dying, usually getting shot in the head. Suicidal thoughts tend to cloud my mind and i can't concentrate at school. Dont worry lilichipie ur not alone =] If u need someone to talk to u can message me anytime =]

    Hope this helps ^w^
  3. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Most people here will know exactly what you´re talking about.

    My parents are the only reason why I´m here.

    I believe in heaven, it´s up to you what you believe in.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't go through with it lilichipie. Your loved ones will miss you when you're gone. There are many things to keep on living for.
  5. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    If talking to people makes you tired, it could also just mean you're more of an introvert, and if you don't care at school, it could also just mean that school itself is simply not interesting (it isn't, really). Talking to people makes me tired too, and I never cared at school either. I don't have social phobia.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    iM NOT Saying im contemplating suicide right now saying im scared of my self since ive been obsessed with my own death for a few time and thats the most unbereable.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    thank you how for ur concern.
    have u experienced what ive been through lately, as said in my post? cause its driving me mad. I cant talk with anyone about it because im overseas and only see my doc once a month back in France, so when im in a panic just feeling so awful and desperate.
    I would love to talk if u can relate.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    thanks for ur concern. well ive always been kind of shy but never to the point to not go to school to avoid talking or even staring to people. School is interesting to me, ive chosen these studies, im about to graduate my master 2 in a year but i havent been to uni now for a month, i can only think that ill have to do again a year - which isnt a big deal but man thisis just tiring and tiring because i never seem to finish things well.
    my parents dont even know i cannot even get up.
  9. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    it sounds like you're not really safe away from home...if you have no support due to being away from your psychiatrist and family then you might want to consider just going home and giving yourself time to recover, suicidal obsessions are very unpleasant, i've been through months where i can't stop browsing the internet for ways to die and even now when i'm stuck in traffic or bored i frighten myself with images of myself dying

    go home if you can't get help there, don't stretch it out or you'll feel worse, don't stress yourself out feeling obligated to get this done if its not getting done or getting done at the expense of your mental health--you are young like me and re-adjusting while you're young, its healthy, please take care of yourself and don't worry about obligations except your obligation to feel happy and free of disturbing preoccupations

    vous ecrivez plus correctement en anglais que beaucoup des anglophones ici, c'est l'anglais votre specialisation??

    j'ai un croyance en les drogues psychologiques, je suis aussi bipolar avec les tendances depressives. considerez donc un medicament pour bipolar (valproate, lamictal, abilify) car les anti-depressants peuvent donner un effet negative ou instabilitisant pour les bipolar. il me semble que votre condition est assez serieux car le preoccupation vous empeche de faire votres etudes, etc....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2008
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