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Am I crazy, or is everyone else?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by VonBlown, Apr 1, 2010.

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  1. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I am sane or not anymore. Ask my mom and dad to help me kill myself everyday, till I drive them crazy, my illness and dying is all I talk about. As I don't have the courage to kill myself.

    It's so upsetting to see people outside having fun, when I'm trapped inside being sick. With little or no hope.

    Everything is so complicated, had to drive hundreds of miles everytime to see doctors that don't know whats going on. Had to request a surgeon to evaluate me. Said he would do an eliostomey for me but wanted one more test first. I couldn't, make it to the test as I have had severe trouble breathing.

    Am on govt. assitance for my medical care, have to go to hospital a 165 miles away to be treated or pay for the care myself when I have no funds.

    Prolly need to be on oxygen to breathe, tried my dads oxygen, it was hard to use expecially when I was sleeping.

    I don't want to live, being on oxygen all the time with a colostomy, and a cathater for my urine. My mom thinks that would be fine way to be, and a lot better then dying. I think thats not much of a way to live myself.
  2. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    My mom says I'll never be alone, cause I can always go to a nursing home.

    She tells me about my grandfather, that was there for 2 months after I took care of him for 4 years. She said, there was no air conditioning, and they proped him up everday, sometimes in other peoples clothes. She said he looked very uncomfortable. She went there everyday to feed him breakfast.
  3. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    I remember taking care of my grandfather picking him up to go to the tolite. Lifting him in and out of the bath tub and bed. I stayed with him constantly. My mother came over to feed him everday, and to help with his bath.

    I remember he started developing infection all over his body just before he went to the nursing home for the last 2 months of his life. he developed a big cyst the size of a 50 cent piece in his neck. It burst and drained puss all the time, until he passed away.

    I could see like infection forming in his eyes. And one of his thumbs swelled up some. I lanced it with a razor blade, and a bunch of puss came out.
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    good luck von. i wish i had some wisdom to share with you
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I said a prayer for you. Life is harder when physical problems keep a person from doing much. A friend of mine has been paralyzed from the neck down since he was 13. He is now 54. One way or another he has made it.

    I have myself on a simple schedule to help to keep me from becoming too depressed and suicidal. I also do activity that is within my physical limitations. You may want to try something new like learn how to draw. It can be hard to learn, but it is the difficulty that makes a person forget the world and feel more alive.

    I hope this helps. :hug:
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    von I'm sorry you're so sick...
    you are a very kind person to have looked after your grandfather like that...not many would do that....my own children have told me many times they will not look after me when I'm old or sick..and they've proved it...
    I hope the docs work out the problem and find a solution soon...
    your parents would want you to be here no matter what because they love you..they would be devestated if you took your life...their lives would change forever..I know this because I'm living it...
    do you have some counceling ??..this might help too...
    take care...
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    If you were taking care of your grandfather at one time, how did you become ill to this point?
  8. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    That was 15 years ago. And I was very sick then, but took care of him anyway.
    Turned on the air conditioning as it was hot. It was way worse then the furnace being on. Choked me like crazy, made me so dry gave me a headache to the center of my brain.

    The doctor told me he thinks I have sleep apnia, but doesn't know about the intense dryness.

    The intense dryness seems to be a lot of the problem. I probably have both things, just like I have some many other medical problems
  9. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    The not being able to breathe is the main problem, as I can't get any other surgeries or medical procedures when I am unable to breathe most of the time.

    Getting an apap machine which is suppose to be for the sleep apnia and help me breathe.
  10. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    but that from what I know is air that is under pressure to your lungs which will probably dry them out. At least it may stop the air conditioner air from being breathed in. Maybe I could wear that most of the time.

    My breathing is so weak most of the time but sometimes it when I'm awake it seem normal it there is no air blowing on me.

    I know there is just no hope I'm so sad.
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