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Am I Crazy?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by amberp13, May 3, 2016.

  1. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    I genuinely feel like there is something wrong. I have tried to get help. I was seeing a counselor, and that helped, but I had to stop for financial reasons. I am trying to avoid medications. I was on some for a little while, but they either stopped working, or weren't strong enough, because I began to not care whether I took them or not. I just never got them refilled. I feel alright most of the time. I am happy, I feel that I have worth and value. Other times, there is such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, I can not even get out of bed. I used to think of suicide only a couple times a month, and never any concrete plan or course of action, only what it would be like. Lately fantasize about killing my self on an almost daily basis, with detailed ways in which i would do it. I have yet to do what I would call a serious attempt, but I <mod edit - methods> I stopped only because I fear the pain. I do not fear death. I fear the pain that it will take to reach it. My anxiety has been severe of late, and i have been having paranoia. My doctor says i have generalized anxiety, but i feel like i am crazy. i get paranoid about crazy things. I fear that others can hear what I am thinking, or that the pizza man will try to come in my house and rape me. The only time I feel better is when I reach a state of numbness, where I feel nothing at all. I feel no fear, no sadness, no love, no joy. These are the times when I feel I am ready to do it. I feel i could <mod edit - methods> and I am no longer afraid. In reality, I dont want to die. I just dont want to feel this way anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2016
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi, and welcome to the forum @amberp13

    I am sorry to hear that you are struggling.
    Is there no way you can afford counseling or therapy again? It sounds like it did you good.
    Are you in school or college or something of the sort? If you are, perhaps there's a counselor at your school?

    When did you last see a doctor or psychiatrist about the drugs? Maybe they need some tweaking?

    One thing I know about anxiety is that it can make you feel like you're crazy, while you are just struggling with things.

    Please don't hurt yourself. Get some help instead, please go see your doctor and tell them what you are going through
    amberp13 likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* What about distracting yourself when you want to self-harm?
    How long were you on medication for? If you didn't take them for long enough, they might not have helped since it can takes weeks to feel the full effect. What about going back to your doctor?
    amberp13 likes this.
  4. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    I talked with by my fiance, and we have made arrangements for me to resume counseling. I am considering medications again, but I dislike how they make me feel. I am a nurse at a prison, and they offer counseling, but i will not accept the help and run the risk of others I work with seeing how messed up I am. I pride myself on having my life together, and I prefer for others to view me as such. I have melt downs in private, but never in view of others. I appreciate the advice, my concerns are that my problems run deeper than just anxiety. I have no urges to harm myself currently. When I get overwhlemed I sometimes pull out my hair, but I dont cut myself regularly or anything like that.
  5. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    Do you ever just feel disconnected? Like, no emotions whatsoever? This is how I begin to feel immedately following a bout of depression. I feel like I am nothing, not in a putting myself down way, in a I feel as if I am disconnected from my body way. Its like I am viewing myself at a distance. My fiance has tried to talk to me during these moments and I find it hard to have any emotion towards him. I hear his voice like its coming from somewhere far away.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Sometimes there's a reason behind the anxiety, that is something I am working on with my therapist.

    I think counseling would be good to you, maybe the counselor could help you go into those things with you?
  7. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    Maybe so. I used the same counselor before, but its hard for me to let her behind my wall. I am afraid that she will send me off somewhere. I dont want that. I just want to feel better.
  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Send you off as to another mental health provider? If that's what it takes you to get better?
  9. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    No, like to the facility here or something. I'd rather just deal with it tha be admitted to somewhere. I dont mind a referral to a doctor, but not a facility or something. My sister had to be admitted for 6 months, I'm not doing that.
  10. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    I was on the meds for about 6 months. To be honest, I'm not sure if they helped or not. I am considering trying again, I'm just nervous.
  11. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am not sure what the rules are over there, but I am fairly certain that if you should need to be admitted they wouldn't be allowed to do it without your consent; unless you are an immediate threat to others. (It's like that in my country at least)
  12. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    In Florida there is something called the Baker Act, where you are forcibly admitted for up to 72 hours if someone (it can be a family member, whoever) thinks you are actively having a mental breakdown or suicidal ideations. I get what you are saying though, its not like i cant tell her that i want i handle it in a different way than that.
  13. amberp13

    amberp13 Member

    I guess my question is, do all these things just seem like side effects of anxiety, or do you think there is an underlying issue? I just feel like I'm going out of my mind.
  14. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, I'm sorry you're feeling so low and anxious.

    I don't know if there's an underlying issue or if it's side effects of anxiety. Anxiety and depression can "just happen" or they might be due to other issues. I'm not a doctor and only a doctor can diagnose that kind of thing. However, I think that feeling anxious, stressed, and unsure of what do are actually pretty good reasons to speak with a professional counsellor or a doctor. The professional can be an objective listener - help us to sort through things. Regardless of what is "causing" things, learning to cope with our feelings, thoughts, and situations can only help.

    Can you see a counsellor outside of your own workplace? Maybe that would ease your concerns about what others are thinking of you.

    I hope you feel better soon. Keep us posted on how things go.
    amberp13 likes this.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Amber, you are not crazy. Crazy doesn't exist because either does normal in my books anyway. I am so glad you reached out for help and spoke to us here. I'm sure a lot of us here can understand your thoughts and feelings, one thing I will say though is REMEMBER they are thoughts and are not facts even if they say they are. That's something I have drilled into my head for when I get paranoid. I hope things improve for you soon. I also suffer from anxiety so I can relate to what you're going through somehow. Please keep talking here if it helps.
    amberp13 likes this.
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sometimes the PCP is comfortable prescribing a different medication. Maybe see if the doctor is willing to go that route or if you need a psycharist to write it up for you.

    Your job is a very stressful job. Counseling and Therapists all know how hard it is and we all need someone to talk to so don't be afraid to open up a bit. They wont pounce on you or do the Baker act...its only used as an exteme measure and with the mental health funding shortage no one wants to to that anymore even if the person is clearly in danger of themselves or others.

    Just reach out and get the direction you need to pass this obstacle.