I genuinely feel like there is something wrong. I have tried to get help. I was seeing a counselor, and that helped, but I had to stop for financial reasons. I am trying to avoid medications. I was on some for a little while, but they either stopped working, or weren't strong enough, because I began to not care whether I took them or not. I just never got them refilled. I feel alright most of the time. I am happy, I feel that I have worth and value. Other times, there is such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, I can not even get out of bed. I used to think of suicide only a couple times a month, and never any concrete plan or course of action, only what it would be like. Lately fantasize about killing my self on an almost daily basis, with detailed ways in which i would do it. I have yet to do what I would call a serious attempt, but I <mod edit - methods> I stopped only because I fear the pain. I do not fear death. I fear the pain that it will take to reach it. My anxiety has been severe of late, and i have been having paranoia. My doctor says i have generalized anxiety, but i feel like i am crazy. i get paranoid about crazy things. I fear that others can hear what I am thinking, or that the pizza man will try to come in my house and rape me. The only time I feel better is when I reach a state of numbness, where I feel nothing at all. I feel no fear, no sadness, no love, no joy. These are the times when I feel I am ready to do it. I feel i could <mod edit - methods> and I am no longer afraid. In reality, I dont want to die. I just dont want to feel this way anymore.