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Am I Crazy ?

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#1
I'm not exactly sure what this thread is but it's just me wanting to get the opinion of like minded individuals. Suicide. The aftermath... I know it's common for individuals to think about "What happens after I kill myself?". It's gonna be difficult to explain exactly what I'm thinking but I'll try my best lol. I've been thinking about it ever since I found out that one of my friends on steam killed themselves. This was 4 years ago and I didn't really know him but my friends did and I saw the effect it had. I've been struggling with MDD for a long time now and suicidal thoughts have plagued my mind for as long as I can think. I will be honest and I've attempted twice and I've had 3 near deaths from reckless pill popping. One of those happened just 2 days ago but I started thinking, what if I actually one day ended up getting the courage to actually off myself successfully because my first 2 attempts wasn't be all and end all, I left leg room to survive if 'fate' deemed it necessary. How will my death effect those around me and connected to me? It's weird because I'm asking in the sense of a sort of fantasy. I don't know why but I used to 'enjoy' creating situations that emotionally hurt me so I would sabotage relationships creating fights etc. I don't obsessively think about the aftermath all the time but it comes around now and then. Imagining yourself dead and fantasizing how people would feel, who would miss you, who you would hurt, who would be unaffected, those who take your death as motivation to do great things, those who use your death to destroy their own lives. I'm not sure what exactly this post is but I would like your opinions if you guys have thought of the aftermath and what that looks like to you.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#2
I'm not exactly sure what this thread is but it's just me wanting to get the opinion of like minded individuals. Suicide. The aftermath... I know it's common for individuals to think about "What happens after I kill myself?". It's gonna be difficult to explain exactly what I'm thinking but I'll try my best lol. I've been thinking about it ever since I found out that one of my friends on steam killed themselves. This was 4 years ago and I didn't really know him but my friends did and I saw the effect it had. I've been struggling with MDD for a long time now and suicidal thoughts have plagued my mind for as long as I can think. I will be honest and I've attempted twice and I've had 3 near deaths from reckless pill popping. One of those happened just 2 days ago but I started thinking, what if I actually one day ended up getting the courage to actually off myself successfully because my first 2 attempts wasn't be all and end all, I left leg room to survive if 'fate' deemed it necessary. How will my death effect those around me and connected to me? It's weird because I'm asking in the sense of a sort of fantasy. I don't know why but I used to 'enjoy' creating situations that emotionally hurt me so I would sabotage relationships creating fights etc. I don't obsessively think about the aftermath all the time but it comes around now and then. Imagining yourself dead and fantasizing how people would feel, who would miss you, who you would hurt, who would be unaffected, those who take your death as motivation to do great things, those who use your death to destroy their own lives. I'm not sure what exactly this post is but I would like your opinions if you guys have thought of the aftermath and what that looks like to you.
Everyone is crazy by their own way.

I don't think death by suicide has never been considered to be a sort of motivation to do great things, even at celebrity case. Most of the times, there will be some posts on social media with a trendy hashtag, then nothing more and everything is back to nothing happened, except for first few years' annually reminders.

There are people who will very miss you after death, like family members, friends or so. Anyone else will be unaffected.

The other hand, when someone use your death to destroy their own life, will not happen, not really directly, though. Grief drives people to mental illnesses, mostly depression or PTSD (C-PTSD, as well), not straight-up suicide.

Nevertheless, the aftermath of death is a shared grief to anyone who knows of you, who will have a shared risk to mental illnesses and suicide. They will have their own ways to cope up with the grief, such as group talks or an addiction. After all, death is a major life change event, something that can be hard to process without help from others.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
death is an awful thing @Wikus but much worse if a person goes by their own hand. i almost died a few years ago by natural causes. when i came out of the coma i could see my family devestated because they thought the lost me forever. it made me so sad to see my family so distraught. it would have been much worse if it were suicide.

you won't know how deep it will hurt people until after the fact, when it's too late. i think of suicide occasionally but i know i can't do it. try to think of the positive things in your life and move forward to a better brighter life.

mike...*hug*shake
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Admin
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#4
Have I thought about it? Sure I've thought about how it would effect people. Most of the people in my life would go on without a beat. Many might not even notice missing, maybe months or years later ask "anyone know what happened to Nick?". That said there are a few people who would be devastated. The pain inflicted on those few would be immense. Turns out I care a lot about those few people, and it's worth it to me to not inflict that pain.
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#5
Have I thought about it? Sure I've thought about how it would effect people. Most of the people in my life would go on without a beat. Many might not even notice missing, maybe months or years later ask "anyone know what happened to Nick?". That said there are a few people who would be devastated. The pain inflicted on those few would be immense. Turns out I care a lot about those few people, and it's worth it to me to not inflict that pain.
I TOTALLY GET THIS! My mother is the only one I truly don't want to hurt, when I used to be SEVERLY depressed I always used to tell myself "When my mom dies then I will kill myself" but turns out my mom is rather immortal it seems LOL. She surpassed all odds stacked against her and is headed for a long healthy life which she totally deserves.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#6
I don't obsessively think about the aftermath all the time but it comes around now and then. Imagining yourself dead and fantasizing how people would feel, who would miss you, who you would hurt, who would be unaffected, those who take your death as motivation to do great things, those who use your death to destroy their own lives.
I think many, if not most, people with mental health issues (and perhaps even those without them) think about these sort of things now and again, or at least, once or twice in their lifetime. What I've noticed is that, for the most part, when people die, life goes on as it normally would for most other people. There are some who may grieve for a while, some who may not be particularly bothered by it (and some who may feel somewhat guilty for that fact). However, once in a while, someone's death may completely alter the course of another person's life if they truly cared for said person. It may screw them up completely for the rest of their life. It may even cause them to want to hurt/kill themselves as well, or act in a completely reckless manner, which also ends up getting them killed eventually. The difference between suicide and, let's say, cancer or a car accident, for example, is that suicide often leaves people feeling guilty (wondering whether there was something they should/could have done that would have prevented it from happening, or knowing that there was) or it leaves them asking "Why?". Why did they do it? Why didn't they tell me how they felt? Why this or why that about a lot of things. But with that said, those who truly love and care about you would oftentimes be just as devastated if you died, regardless of how it was that you died.

I don't know why but I used to 'enjoy' creating situations that emotionally hurt me so I would sabotage relationships creating fights etc.
A fear of abandonment, perhaps? You're afraid of losing the people you care about, so you push them away because it hurts less when you expect it to happen than when you're caught off guard. Only problem is, you're never going to be happy if you're always too afraid of disappointment and pain to ever trust anyone or allow yourself to be vulnerable. Trust me, I know that quite well.

, I left leg room to survive if 'fate' deemed it necessary.
I found this rather interesting. You behaved in a reckless manner, which absolutely could have killed you. But like you say, you left yourself "leg room" to survive it because part of you wanted to. I think what this means is that you're pretty much at war with yourself (or at least, your mind is). On the one hand, there was that survival instinct kicking in. But on the other, you wanted to not be in pain. So in a way, you acted on both because you couldn't decide which one should have taken precedence. What I'm wondering, however, is whether that survival instinct was strictly biological (we all have a biological instinct to survive) or whether it was partially tied to an actual desire to stay alive (due to still having some sort of hope of happiness/contentment or some sort of meaning or purpose to life)?
 
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Wikus

Well-Known Member
#7
I found this rather interesting. You behaved in a reckless manner, which absolutely could have killed you. But like you say, you left yourself "leg room" to survive it because part of you wanted to. I think what this means is that you're pretty much at war with yourself (or at least, your mind is). On the one hand, there was that survival instinct kicking in. But on the other, you wanted to not be in pain. So in a way, you acted on both because you couldn't decide which one should have taken precedence. What I'm wondering, however, is whether that survival instinct was strictly biological (we all have a biological instinct to survive) or whether it was partially tied to an actual desire to stay alive (due to still having some sort of hope of happiness/contentment or some sort of meaning or purpose to life)?
I think it's that I'm just too damn scared if I'm honest haha. I don't know what happens after death, I hope hell isn't real, is it nothing? was there a point in living in the first place if I won't get punished for offing myself? I desire a life that means something in a situation I can't escape from so I think if I'm truly honest with myself. I want to injure myself just enough to get out of the house for a while because my parents or family for that matter are the worst. Mom is cool, rest are absolutely shitheads. If I die then so be it, but I don't want to live a life where someone else's agenda is forced upon me.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#8
I think it's that I'm just too damn scared if I'm honest haha. I don't know what happens after death, I hope hell isn't real, is it nothing? was there a point in living in the first place if I won't get punished for offing myself? I desire a life that means something in a situation I can't escape from so I think if I'm truly honest with myself. I want to injure myself just enough to get out of the house for a while because my parents or family for that matter are the worst. Mom is cool, rest are absolutely shitheads. If I die then so be it, but I don't want to live a life where someone else's agenda is forced upon me.
I can relate to this a lot. I, too, live with my family, who are also a bunch of shitheads. Yet, i don't have anywhere else to go, as I don't have the finances to do so. I'm currently pursuing a bachelor's degree, though, to try to get myself away from them eventually. Are you doing anything that will help you get out of where you are at in the future? And by the way, you don't need to hurt yourself to get a break from where you're living. Call emergency services and just tell them that you feel like hurting/killing yourself and you've attempted before. That should be plenty good enough to get a doctor recommendation for an inpatient stay without actually having done anything to yourself.
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#9
I can relate to this a lot. I, too, live with my family, who are also a bunch of shitheads. Yet, i don't have anywhere else to go, as I don't have the finances to do so. I'm currently pursuing a bachelor's degree, though, to try to get myself away from them eventually. Are you doing anything that will help you get out of where you are at in the future? And by the way, you don't need to hurt yourself to get a break from where you're living. Call emergency services and just tell them that you feel like hurting/killing yourself and you've attempted before. That should be plenty good enough to get a doctor recommendation for an inpatient stay without actually having done anything to yourself.
My will power and and little bit of motivation I had has all left me at this point unfortunately. Everything I think might be cool got instantly shut down by everyone around me so I built this habit of just not trying at all. I tried for a long while to get out of this ditch but I normally end up failing regardless of my best efforts. I don't seem to love myself at all anymore so the only times I end up getting motivated again is if a special person enters my life but unfortunately just as sudden as they appear, they leave. Leaving their unique view on life with me and I use it to better my perspectives but it's never enough for me to actually get enough power to try anything. Thank you for the tip haha, I will be sure to use it soon actually lol. Thank you for taking the time to listen and talk to me, I appreciate it a lot <3
 

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