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am i crazy...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Dec 16, 2007.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    ...am i crazy to think that good can come from my death?

    ...i've been through hell because of the health care system and all that i've been through with it in the past 20+ years and how no one listens to pain and agony i've been in....how everyone has written me off as an "acceptable loss" by ignoring all the things I've told them....

    ...the only way they will realize that i've been as damaged as I say, is if I die and then they may say, "oh i guess we should have done better...maybe we should take better steps to help people instead of just pissing on them."
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No you're not crazy for what you feel or think. But you dying isn't going to change the medical professionals. They are what they are. Unfortunately they have been taught by textbooks only. And if you aren't "in" one of those books then you tend to fall through the cracks. If most of the docs out there could understand pain instead of the almighty dollar then a lot of us would be much better off today. Please keep hanging on and keep yourself safe.
  3. wants2die

    wants2die Well-Known Member

    you know I think thats why most people commit suicide that everyone around them would be better off if you were dead that's how I think sometimes.
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    yes..as the hours pass...all evidence points to my death being necessary.

    the longer it takes for me to find any self-worth and, on top of that, each day the more i find that continues to reinforce that I have no worth that, the further and further away i move from there being any possibility of escaping the inevitable.

    i pretty much live a life of toxic isolation...where the first thing i feel when I wake is "Oh God, not another day." and the last thing I feel before I fall asleep is "My life is worthless and there is no love"...and in between i'm in either constant agony or completly numb...and even during sleep i continue to suffer night terrors. it is all anguish. and no one can do anything about it...they say it outright too. "There's nothing I can do."

    everyone just thinks I'm going "get over" everything, but...

    ...everyone is wrong.

    and the "toxic isolation" i live just isn't going to end, because isolation is necessary because (1) i seem to just parasitically drag those around me down and (2) i get hurt by others all the time. so the lesser of evils is for my isolation.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2007

    BOLIAO Guest

    gee this is exactly how i feel everyday. and also everyone thinks that I'm going to get ok. Well, they are wrong. I play along telling them in time I'll be ok but deep inside, I feel like a hypocrite. It's never going to be ok for me. it's too late.
  6. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    If your crazy, so am I. My wife tells me im like a robot. Emotionless. I hold my kids and feel nearly nothing but obligation. Im obligated to continue breathing, to continue providing. I have no emotions left. Death would be a blessing. I pray for it through out every day. Spent years as a bouncer, Fighting was my only outlet. Hold it inside, be a good citizen. Cant any longer. I think all those years I was looking for someone to kill me. Had a couple pull guns. "Pull the trigger, do me a favor" I told them. They didn't do it. Why didn't they do it. Right kind of people. Start fights with gang members. Nothing. I cant even get getting killed right.
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