Am I Crazy?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Invisible-Loner, Jul 22, 2009.

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  1. I’m not even sure if it effects me or not, if its rape/molestation/etc., or I’m just crazy. When I was 6, 7, and 8, My 18 year old cousin would come over. We would play the N64, PS1 and I really liked him. But the only play he would play with me was if I rubbed “Maxx” (he named his P*****). He would lick my feet, suck on them D:, and masturbate against my feet. My mom walked in and found out, he’s in jail for 10 years, but I feel as though nothing happened. Every time I think about, I have no emotion, and feel nothing. My mom told me to forget about so I did. I think I’m just being sensitive, am I?

    When I was little, every time I drew an animal, I named it Maxx.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey there.. first off ur not crazy..
    u have been through alot..i have been through simular things and its all abuse..
    u said u feel as though nothing happened..i did 4 a while until it really sunk in what had happened 2 me..i was able 2 block things out for a long time..mainly with the help of alcohol and drugs..
    uv obviously been thinkin about it 4 u 2 post this..mabye u need 2 get it all out so u can deal with all the emotions properly and move 4ward..have u seen a therapist?it might be good 2 go and see some1 2 try and move on from this..
    im waiting 2 see some1 myself..its a bit daunting but i feel like its the only way im going 2 get anywhere near 'well' again..
    if u ever feel like a chat u can pm me if u like..
    all the best :hug:
  3. Thanks, I feel weird because its the first tim I've thought about it in 5 years! I didn't know it really affected me. Thanks for your support.
  4. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    i think its normal for alot of ppl to have a 'delayed response' ..
    with me i was the same age - 7/8 .. and it was only till i reached about 13 that it affected me really bad..mabye its coz we arent able 2 deal with the emotions and c how bad it actually is at such a young age..although i did know it wasnt right then and felt ashamed..
    its difficult.. im 21 now and its still a huge thing 4 me..
    like i said pm me anytime .. would b good 2 hear from u :hug:
  5. Ophelia1600

    Ophelia1600 Active Member

    Something happened to me when I was 8. I didn't even think about it until a boy kissed me when I was 13. Then I remembered it that I was the instigator and therefore it was my fault. (he ws 18). It took along time to realize that I did not cause it. It was something that was done to me. To this day I have never been able to tell a counselor about it. I don't date at all becuase despite the fact that I thought it was "no big deal" my body knew different. Someday I need to get my mind to accept what happened and deal with it. That would probabaly heal my body. I wish you better luck than I've had.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    your mom told you to forget about it ?
    i think that is the wrong way to look at it.
    im not sure how old you are now but, it obviously bothers you. i dont know if it has effected your life or not. thats something you will have to ask yourself.

    it was a horrible thing he did to you. the question is, how do you feel about it now ?
  7. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Some people are more affected by trauma than others... maybe some people will get along fine without it ever really affecting them.

    For me, it was a delayed response... the abuse stopped when I was about 14, and I pretty much blocked it out of my memory until 4 or 5 years later. Then I actually realized and faced what happened.

    But I now realize that it had an effect on my life that I wasn't even aware of while itt was blocked out of my memory. I was very uncomfortable with physical/sexual relationships, and had trouble trusting people in general. Maybe for now you're ok, if you feel that way... but I would imagine somewhere down the road it would be good to talk to a therapist about this... my guess is there are things you struggle with in your life that are related to the abuse, though you might not realize it.
  8. Thx guys, I just keep having dreams abt it, it bothers me....
  9. Angelhelper

    Angelhelper New Member

    Dear Invisibleloner,

    I am new to this forum as well and I joined because I have been through a lot and now that I am almost on the other side of it all I want to try to help other people do the same. I thought I would read a lot first and then reply but your post really hit home with me because the same thing happened to me and I felt the same about it for a long time!!

    First off I want you to realise that everybody perceives the things that happen to them differently and I want to assure you that 'its okay' to feel different about things that happened to you than what you think other people feel when the same things happen to them. This insight took me about 10 years to realise and in those years I suffered more at my own hand (in guilt and shame) than what I ever did at the hand of my 'abuser'. This very insanity of beating myself up over something I had no control over when I was a tiny little girl set me up for more abuse later on! I dont want this to happen to you.

    Today I know that some children have the ability to understand that inside of every person big or small is a small innocent child who is also affected by the things in his/her environment and the things they do to others are often things that were done to them. Although this does not make the act of the transgressor less horrid it gives this special child who has insight the ability to deal with it almost on a soul level rather than a physical level and that is more than OKAY.

    This is a gift. Even some children who are hurt badly by adults have this inborn gift. It is when they grow up and start realising that some people who have been severely traumatised in a similar way acted in a different way by becoming emotionally paralysed that we (those who were not really affected by the incident) start beating ourselves up for NOT being affected!

    Sometimes children also hide the real feelings deep inside when they did not know how to deal with what happened to them and then it will surface later but this is not really a bad thing either. As we grow up we get to face all those things we hid away when we were young and they more often than not surface in our dreams because that is where we re-connect with our inner child.

    From what I can understand here I would like to offer you some advice. If this is not going to be helpful please get back to me with more information and I will try again.

    When you wake up after a dream try to remember each detail and really make an effort to 'feel' the feelings that arise inside your body. Do not push them down again. Allow them the right to exist for as long as you can. Next step (while you go through the process of getting up and getting ready for your day) try to give each 'feeling' a name. Greet the feeling with the following: "Oh okay so you are shame...hello shame/fear/doubt/guilt/etc., pleased to meet you". Smile at the feeling and then wave goodbye as you carry on walking. You do the same with every other feeling you identify. This process will happen in your mind of course but eventually you will realise that the feelings you acknowledged and given recognition to will begin to let go of the grip they had on you simply because they have been acknowledged.

    What you will be doing with this process is to find practical ways to forgive yourself, forgive the transgressor and heal the situation and in the process you will also heal yourself.

    Some deep pain, fear, dread and loss can be dealt with in the very same way but depending on the strength of their grip on you it may take much longer than a simple hello and goodbye.

    I hope you are going to try this and I wish you all the best.

    One last thing: 'you are a perfect creation, you are beautiful and you are worthy of having all the love and all the happiness that this life has to offer you and NEVER allow any feeling or person to convince you otherwise!

    Lots of love and many blessings to you.

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