Sometimes I don't believe I'm depressed. Whenever I thought about telling the doctor, I would tell myself that it must all be in my head, that I'm just making it all up. For what though? Why would I be creating this for myself? For attention? But I haven't told anyone, just my doctor, and I could barely manage that. I feel so stupid, so childish when they ask about how I hurt myself and how I would kill myself. I mean, they must be thinking that I'm ridiculous. If I'm seriously thinking about suicide, there must be something legitimately messed up with me, right? That's what I told myself and that's why I eventually talked to my doctor about it. But I still don't know if I really believe I'm depressed. Maybe this is just my personality. Maybe I am just incredibly lazy and pessimistic and cynical and horrible. I always get the 'major depression' scores on those depression quizzes, but they are so easy to manipulate that I can't be sure that I'm being completely honest. Do I want to be depressed? But, again, why would I want this? My doctor and therapist think I'm very depressed. Am I manipulating the situation so that they believe I'm depressed? Or am I finally able to drop all the charades of normality when I talk to them because I know they are there to help? I have to pretend to be normal with my family and at work. I can often pull it off, but sometimes I can't. But if I'm able to pretend to be normal, then maybe it's possible that there just isn't anything actually wrong with me. I don't know. I'm just rambling here, trying to sort out all these thoughts. Any input would be appreciated.